Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 693

drjd · 12-20-2018, 08:16 AM

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shalt not kill.”

pdurrant · 12-23-2018, 02:00 PM

There was a young mouse from Japan
Whose limericks never would scan
When asked why this was
He said "It's because
I always like to try to fit in as many words on the last line as I possibly can."

drjd · 12-24-2018, 08:36 AM

Groan...!

drjd · 12-24-2018, 08:43 AM

Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history. He left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.

Fbone · 12-29-2018, 01:29 AM

Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?

drjd · 12-30-2018, 05:22 AM

Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they've no pockets to put things in!

Adoby · 12-30-2018, 05:59 AM

Trunks sure are handy things!

cromag · 12-30-2018, 05:07 PM

Why do elephants have trunks?

Who nose?

drjd · 01-01-2019, 05:39 AM

What do you call it when a dog eats your Birkenstocks?

Sandalism!!

Adoby · 01-04-2019, 01:47 AM

It doesn't matter how nice your children are, German children are Kinder.

drjd · 01-04-2019, 04:51 AM

Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

drjd · 01-11-2019, 05:54 AM

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

"Will I be acquitted?"

PieMan597 · 01-11-2019, 04:02 PM

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.

Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.

As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.

As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?"

My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

drjd · 01-13-2019, 05:34 AM

Impatience can be attributed to loss of wait!

be4morgan · 01-13-2019, 10:54 PM

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text and I can't live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you're not around I've been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently and I know that that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt and hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.

Regards, Richard

NEIGHBOR'S RESPONSE:

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard --killing him.
He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second
Text message from Richard.

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:

Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the @!*+ed Auto-Correct had changed "wi-fi" to "wife."Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.

regards, Richard

Autocorrect disabled, LOL

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12-20-2018, 08:16 AM	#10381
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shalt not kill.”

12-23-2018, 02:00 PM	#10382
pdurrant The Grand Mouse 高貴的老鼠 Posts: 71,510 Karma: 306214458 Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Norfolk, England Device: Kindle Voyage	There was a young mouse from Japan Whose limericks never would scan When asked why this was He said "It's because I always like to try to fit in as many words on the last line as I possibly can."

12-24-2018, 08:36 AM	#10383
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Groan...!

12-24-2018, 08:43 AM	#10384
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history. He left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.

12-29-2018, 01:29 AM	#10385
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?

12-30-2018, 05:22 AM	#10386
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Why do elephants have trunks? Because they've no pockets to put things in!

12-30-2018, 05:59 AM	#10387
Adoby Handy Elephant Posts: 1,736 Karma: 26785668 Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Southern Sweden, far out in the quiet woods Device: Thinkpad E595, Ubuntu Mate, Huawei Mediapad 5, Bouye Likebook Plus	Trunks sure are handy things!

12-30-2018, 05:07 PM	#10388
cromag Surfin the alpha waves ~~ Posts: 24,303 Karma: 459220161 Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: New Jersey Device: Jetbook Lite & Mini, Nook STR, Kobo, Hanvon N516, Kindle 2, Androids	Why do elephants have trunks? Who nose?

01-01-2019, 05:39 AM	#10389
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	What do you call it when a dog eats your Birkenstocks? Sandalism!!

01-04-2019, 01:47 AM	#10390
Adoby Handy Elephant Posts: 1,736 Karma: 26785668 Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Southern Sweden, far out in the quiet woods Device: Thinkpad E595, Ubuntu Mate, Huawei Mediapad 5, Bouye Likebook Plus	It doesn't matter how nice your children are, German children are Kinder.

01-04-2019, 04:51 AM	#10391
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

01-11-2019, 05:54 AM	#10392
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I be acquitted?"

01-11-2019, 04:02 PM	#10393
PieMan597 Still a pie Posts: 6,285 Karma: 37018654 Join Date: Jan 2014 Location: PieTown USA Device: Kindle Touch, OnePlus 7 Pro	I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes! For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

01-13-2019, 05:34 AM	#10394
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Impatience can be attributed to loss of wait!

01-13-2019, 10:54 PM	#10395
be4morgan Enthusiast Posts: 31 Karma: 337204 Join Date: Jan 2019 Location: USA Device: iPhone	Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text and I can't live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you're not around I've been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently and I know that that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt and hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you. Regards, Richard NEIGHBOR'S RESPONSE: Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard --killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second Text message from Richard. SECOND TEXT MESSAGE: Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the @!+ed Auto-Correct had changed "wi-fi" to "wife."Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all. regards, Richard Autocorrect disabled, LOL*