blurb help please?

BeccaPrice · 01-29-2014, 09:34 AM

for an illustrated story aimed at 6-10year olds

Two kingdoms in crisis. Two opposing heroes. One magical amulet.

Once upon a time, wizards carved hideous gargoyles and brought them to life with the amulet men called the Heart of Rock, to drive away their enemies, the Nightmares. Years pass and the time comes when a brave cobbler must seek out the Heart of Rock to save his kingdom, but by doing so he puts the gargoyle kingdom into crisis, for the gargoyles cannot live without their talisman.

It needs a good punchy end sentence, and the first sentence after the tag line is awfully convoluted. Can someone help me simplify?

HarryT · 01-29-2014, 09:38 AM

The vocabulary seems rather advanced for a 6-10yo. Is such a young child likely to understand what words like "gargoyle", "amulet", and "talisman" mean?

BeccaPrice · 01-29-2014, 10:54 AM

well, there will be pictures of the gargoyles, but you may be right about the others. Unfortunately, I don't know less advanced vocabulary for those terms. Too advanced a vocabulary has always been a major criticism of my work... we never talked down to our children, so I don't know how to do it for others.

Penforhire · 01-29-2014, 11:42 AM

To me it flows better if you knock out some identifying information such as, all just IMO and very subjective --
"...the amulet men called the Heart of Rock..." to just "the Heart of Rock"
"...their enemies..." knock out to just say "...the Nightmares."
"...to save his kingdom." knock out entirely
"...for the gargoyles cannot..." knock out "the"

Dngrsone · 01-29-2014, 12:41 PM

How about something like this?

Quote:

In the distant past, some wizards carved hideous gargoyles out of stone, bringing them to life using the magical Heart of Rock.

Now the Heart of Rock is needed to save another kingdom, and a one brave cobbler must find it.

But the gargoyles cannot live without their talisman; will the cobbler's quest to save his kingdom doom theirs?

Kids of that age are likely familiar with those terms. They are reading Harry Potter and Hunger Games by this point...

BookCat · 01-30-2014, 07:36 AM

Not only is the vocab too advanced, but so is the grammar. Try to stick to short, simple sentences. I think even words like "hideous" are too difficult for the age-group. Try to use monosyllabic words where possible. I have a degree in Lit and found the grammar a bit convoluted.
The following is a very basic version of your blurb and may be a little too young in word usage, but you get the idea. By the way, what will happen to the kingdom if the gargoyles perish? Seems a bit of "so what?" at the moment. You need something more gripping imho.

Long ago wizards carved statues of ugly creatures. They brought them to life with a jewel called Heart of Rock. The wizards hoped that these ugly creatures would drive away the Nightmares.
Years later, a brave cobbler must look for the special jewel called Heart of Rock so that he can save his world. The ugly creatures will die if he takes away their magic jewel. If they die something bad will happen. (The Nightmares will take over?)

BeccaPrice · 01-30-2014, 09:16 AM

doesn't anybody like the tag line:

Two kingdoms in crisis. Two heroes. One magical amulet.

I rather like it.

so far I'm leaning toward Dngrsone's version, maybe with another line added about the Nightmares.

My problem is that I've been not well for quite awhile, and when I'm over-tired, my sentences get so convoluted that even I get lost in them. That's why I'm concentrating on putting out illustrated versions of existing stories for the next 6 months or so - I don't dare do any creative writing.

Penforhire · 01-30-2014, 05:47 PM

I liked your tag line. In the spirit of my earlier edits, I would say "magic" in place of "magical."

On the other hand, your tag line promises two heroes but so far the blurb only mentions one.

HarryT · 01-30-2014, 06:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Penforhire

I liked your tag line. In the spirit of my earlier edits, I would say "magic" in place of "magical."

I agree. When used as an adjective, "magic" describes an inherent property of a object (eg "a magic wand"), whereas "magical" is generally used to describe the feelings invoked in someone (eg "a magical sunset"). If the amulet has the ability to perform magic, it is a magic amulet, not a magical amulet.

speakingtohe · 01-30-2014, 11:11 PM

You don't mention the opposing hero?

"Can these two great heroes manage to somehow save both of their worlds?"

Helen

Lima Bean · 01-31-2014, 08:01 AM

Here's my shot at it:

Once upon a time, a kingdom had a frightful enemy called The Nightmares. A group of wizards invoked the Heart of Rock to bring an army of stone gargoyles to life. After the battle, the brave gargoyles continue to live on via the power of the Heart of Rock and go on to form their own kingdom. For hundreds of years the two kingdoms lived in peace, but when the human kingdom comes under threat again, a war for the Heart of Rock begins.

Two kingdoms on the verge of destruction. One magic stone. A gargoyle hero ordered to guard it. A human hero ordered to take it. What could possibly go wrong?

BeccaPrice · 01-31-2014, 09:37 AM

other than it's a different kingdom that wants the HoR, not a successor to the first kingdom, I really like that.

you know, of all the stories I've ever written, this one has given me the most problems.

Lima Bean · 01-31-2014, 10:00 AM

I'm glad you like it. If you decide to use any of it, you might want to fix the tenses. When I went into the history of the kingdoms, I used past. When it got into the meat of the story, I changed it to present tense as that's the norm for blurbs. In hindsight, I think it would sound better in the same tense throughout.

ApK · 01-31-2014, 04:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HarryT

I agree. When used as an adjective, "magic" describes an inherent property of a object (eg "a magic wand"), whereas "magical" is generally used to describe the feelings invoked in someone (eg "a magical sunset"). If the amulet has the ability to perform magic, it is a magic amulet, not a magical amulet.

A thing can be both. I think if "magical amulet" sounds better, calling it that doesn't mean that it might not ALSO be a magic amulet.*

It think it actually is both in this case.

*To rationalize explain the fact that I never thought of such a distinction, I might argue that being magic implicitly makes something magical.

HarryT · 01-31-2014, 04:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ApK

A thing can be both. I think if "magical amulet" sounds better, calling it that doesn't mean that it might not ALSO be a magic amulet.*

It think it actually is both in this case.

*To rationalize explain the fact that I never thought of such a distinction, I might argue that being magic implicitly makes something magical.

Would you say "a magic wand" or "a magical wand"? To me, the latter just sounds wrong. An amulet is no different.

01-29-2014, 09:34 AM	#1
BeccaPrice Wizard Posts: 2,145 Karma: 11174187 Join Date: Jan 2011 Device: Sony 350, K3-3G, K4SO, KPW	blurb help please? for an illustrated story aimed at 6-10year olds Two kingdoms in crisis. Two opposing heroes. One magical amulet. Once upon a time, wizards carved hideous gargoyles and brought them to life with the amulet men called the Heart of Rock, to drive away their enemies, the Nightmares. Years pass and the time comes when a brave cobbler must seek out the Heart of Rock to save his kingdom, but by doing so he puts the gargoyle kingdom into crisis, for the gargoyles cannot live without their talisman. It needs a good punchy end sentence, and the first sentence after the tag line is awfully convoluted. Can someone help me simplify?

01-30-2014, 07:36 AM	#6
BookCat C L J Posts: 2,912 Karma: 21115458 Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Birmingham UK Device: Sony e-reader 505, Kindle PW2, Kindle PW3, Kobo Libra2	Not only is the vocab too advanced, but so is the grammar. Try to stick to short, simple sentences. I think even words like "hideous" are too difficult for the age-group. Try to use monosyllabic words where possible. I have a degree in Lit and found the grammar a bit convoluted. The following is a very basic version of your blurb and may be a little too young in word usage, but you get the idea. By the way, what will happen to the kingdom if the gargoyles perish? Seems a bit of "so what?" at the moment. You need something more gripping imho. Long ago wizards carved statues of ugly creatures. They brought them to life with a jewel called Heart of Rock. The wizards hoped that these ugly creatures would drive away the Nightmares. Years later, a brave cobbler must look for the special jewel called Heart of Rock so that he can save his world. The ugly creatures will die if he takes away their magic jewel. If they die something bad will happen. (The Nightmares will take over?) Last edited by BookCat; 01-30-2014 at 07:38 AM.

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01-29-2014, 09:38 AM	#2
HarryT eBook Enthusiast Posts: 85,544 Karma: 93383043 Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis 2, iPad Pro 10.5", iPhone 6	The vocabulary seems rather advanced for a 6-10yo. Is such a young child likely to understand what words like "gargoyle", "amulet", and "talisman" mean?

01-29-2014, 10:54 AM	#3
BeccaPrice Wizard Posts: 2,145 Karma: 11174187 Join Date: Jan 2011 Device: Sony 350, K3-3G, K4SO, KPW	well, there will be pictures of the gargoyles, but you may be right about the others. Unfortunately, I don't know less advanced vocabulary for those terms. Too advanced a vocabulary has always been a major criticism of my work... we never talked down to our children, so I don't know how to do it for others.

01-29-2014, 11:42 AM	#4
Penforhire Wizard Posts: 2,230 Karma: 7145404 Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Southern California Device: Kindle Voyage & iPhone 7+	To me it flows better if you knock out some identifying information such as, all just IMO and very subjective -- "...the amulet men called the Heart of Rock..." to just "the Heart of Rock" "...their enemies..." knock out to just say "...the Nightmares." "...to save his kingdom." knock out entirely "...for the gargoyles cannot..." knock out "the"

01-30-2014, 09:16 AM	#7
BeccaPrice Wizard Posts: 2,145 Karma: 11174187 Join Date: Jan 2011 Device: Sony 350, K3-3G, K4SO, KPW	doesn't anybody like the tag line: Two kingdoms in crisis. Two heroes. One magical amulet. I rather like it. so far I'm leaning toward Dngrsone's version, maybe with another line added about the Nightmares. My problem is that I've been not well for quite awhile, and when I'm over-tired, my sentences get so convoluted that even I get lost in them. That's why I'm concentrating on putting out illustrated versions of existing stories for the next 6 months or so - I don't dare do any creative writing.

01-30-2014, 05:47 PM	#8
Penforhire Wizard Posts: 2,230 Karma: 7145404 Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Southern California Device: Kindle Voyage & iPhone 7+	I liked your tag line. In the spirit of my earlier edits, I would say "magic" in place of "magical." On the other hand, your tag line promises two heroes but so far the blurb only mentions one.

01-30-2014, 11:11 PM	#10
speakingtohe Wizard Posts: 4,812 Karma: 26912940 Join Date: Apr 2010 Device: sony PRS-T1 and T3, Kobo Mini and Aura HD, Tablet	You don't mention the opposing hero? "Can these two great heroes manage to somehow save both of their worlds?" Helen

01-31-2014, 08:01 AM	#11
Lima Bean Groupie Posts: 170 Karma: 527094 Join Date: Nov 2012 Location: USA (near Lima, Ohio) Device: Kindle	Here's my shot at it: Once upon a time, a kingdom had a frightful enemy called The Nightmares. A group of wizards invoked the Heart of Rock to bring an army of stone gargoyles to life. After the battle, the brave gargoyles continue to live on via the power of the Heart of Rock and go on to form their own kingdom. For hundreds of years the two kingdoms lived in peace, but when the human kingdom comes under threat again, a war for the Heart of Rock begins. Two kingdoms on the verge of destruction. One magic stone. A gargoyle hero ordered to guard it. A human hero ordered to take it. What could possibly go wrong?

01-31-2014, 09:37 AM	#12
BeccaPrice Wizard Posts: 2,145 Karma: 11174187 Join Date: Jan 2011 Device: Sony 350, K3-3G, K4SO, KPW	other than it's a different kingdom that wants the HoR, not a successor to the first kingdom, I really like that. you know, of all the stories I've ever written, this one has given me the most problems.

01-31-2014, 10:00 AM	#13
Lima Bean Groupie Posts: 170 Karma: 527094 Join Date: Nov 2012 Location: USA (near Lima, Ohio) Device: Kindle	I'm glad you like it. If you decide to use any of it, you might want to fix the tenses. When I went into the history of the kingdoms, I used past. When it got into the meat of the story, I changed it to present tense as that's the norm for blurbs. In hindsight, I think it would sound better in the same tense throughout.

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