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Old 09-13-2010, 05:48 AM   #1
M. R. Mathias
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Oathbreaker by M. R. Mathias (A fantasy novella) Now for just a buck!

The extra promo stuff has been removed and the story scoured and reuploaded.
Go get it now! Go on! I said go get it!


Oathbreaker(A Faery Tale Novella)

A pixie who is tired of defending the honor of his Oathbreaking father befriends a wizard and his eagle familiar. The trio are forced into dramatic action when a human fairy hunter nabs a local pixie girl and some fairies from across the river with the intent of grinding them into fairy dust to sell for profit.

Smash link: http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/24138

Heres a snippet:

The next morning, as they prepared to go wasp hunting, Oonzil wondered how the eagle had managed to get the doily out from under the teapot. He never had the chance to ask about it because no sooner had the curiosity came on him, the eagle leapt from the ground and went flapping lustily after a wasp.

It was all Oonzil could do to keep from tumbling off of Igor’s back as the eagle chased down the unsuspecting bug. Just as Oonzil had instructed him, Igor got as close as he could to the wasp before he swept past.

Oonzil was thrilled. The feel of the wind in his hair and the forces generated by Igor’s sharp swooping turns caused his heart to soar. Using the rigged up doily like it was a throw net, Oonzil timed his toss and let it loose. He yanked on the makeshift draw string he had attached. The net pulled closed. Excitedly, Oonzil had Igor sit them down near the fire bug cage that Oonzil had borrowed from the village bug man.

Both of them were disappointed to find the doily net empty, but they weren’t discouraged. The setup would have worked perfectly if only Oonzil would have timed his throw better.

“You’ll have to slow up a bit when we come upon the buzzers,” he told the eagle with a grin.

“Aye, Ooonzy,” Igor exclaimed gleefully. “It worked just like you said it would. We just need to get closer I think.”

It took a few more attempts to get the timing of the approach and the throw down, but they did it. By evening the cage was buzzing with angry wasps. With much pride and satisfaction, Oonzil and Igor delivered the prize to the wizard at his supper table.

“What’s this?” The old man asked. He rose from his soup bowl to see the pixie boy sliding off of Igor’s back. The cage the eagle sat at the end of the table buzzed and vibrated in angry response. “Oh ho!” Master Zarvin chuckled with a big smile showing in the corners of his eyes. “Wasps!”

“Wasps for a bargain good wizard,” Oonzil clarified. “A full Baker’s dozen of them, all alive and whole.”

“A bargain?” Master Zarvin’s brows wiggled with curious delight. “Well Oonzil Windlestraw, let’s strike a deal then.”

Smash link: http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/24138

Last edited by M. R. Mathias; 09-19-2010 at 03:40 AM.
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Old 09-13-2010, 10:42 AM   #2
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What is it with the asterisks?
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Old 09-13-2010, 02:47 PM   #3
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What is it with the asterisks?
They are for my target market. I'm not trying to sell to just anybody. There are 20 million people out there that just hate asterisks. Those are not the people I am trying to sell to...lol I wan't the asterisk crowd to spend a dollar.
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Old 09-13-2010, 02:58 PM   #4
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There are 20 million people out there that just hate asterisks. Those are not the people I am trying to sell to...
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Old 09-13-2010, 09:17 PM   #5
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Old 09-17-2010, 11:02 AM   #6
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30 previews and not one sale? I guess I'll shorten the preview even though it was just starting to get good where it was cutting off....lol
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Old 09-17-2010, 01:47 PM   #7
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30 previews and not one sale? I guess I'll shorten the preview even though it was just starting to get good where it was cutting off....lol
Isn't that where you want it to cut off, so it entices people to buy because they just have to see what happens next?

I suppose no sales could be for a variety of reasons, some serious and some not. Maybe the grammar/writing isn't up to standards. Or maybe it's as benign as "eh, this isn't really for me".
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Old 09-17-2010, 01:58 PM   #8
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The first paragraph:
Quote:
“I only busted Dannyo’s lips and swelled his eyes shut Master Zarvin!” the excited young pixie named Oonzil said from his seat atop the human wizard’s upside down teacup. His frog skin jerkin was ruffled, as was the shock of lavender colored hair atop his head. “I could have, and should have, done him more harm than that.”
As a reader, not any sort of professional editor, this sounds… clunky.

Quote:
“My father may have broken his oath once, but he did it ‘cause Ma and me needed him!"
He calls his dad "father" but calls his mom "ma"? Seems inconsistent.

EDIT:
Upon further reading, did you have anyone (aside from yourself) edit this before publishing it? There's a lot of infodump, commas aren't placed correctly, and there are some weird time elements where it switches from current time to many hours later in the span of a paragraph. And a host of other issues I won't get into since you weren't asking for editing help. But this could easily explain why people view the sample and then don't buy.

Last edited by queentess; 09-17-2010 at 06:33 PM.
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Old 09-17-2010, 11:22 PM   #9
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It's not Hemingway its a one dollar short story...lol besides a few commas gives you guys something to talk about. If readers even notice then they need to be writers not readers. Authors always notice. And yes it was read by two people other than myself. Both highly educated educators. I can only think that the story had them so enthralled that they missed the few grammar mistakes.

And FYI if you uploaded it yesterday You would be getting a better edit than you would if you uploaded it last week.... Such is the digital world we live in! Thanks for the info though. It is selling at Amazon. Everything does. It just doesnt sell at Smashwords because everyone wants free books there.

As for the inconsistencies, well he's a pixie in a fairy tale. He is supposed to be strange. I call/refer to my dad as 'my dad' and 'my father' both. Don't you? That's normal not abnormal. It would be abnormal for him not to have variances and slang in his speech and action. He isn't a robot.

Last edited by M. R. Mathias; 09-17-2010 at 11:25 PM.
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Old 09-18-2010, 03:24 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by M. R. Mathias View Post
It's not Hemingway its a one dollar short story...lol besides a few commas gives you guys something to talk about. If readers even notice then they need to be writers not readers. Authors always notice. And yes it was read by two people other than myself. Both highly educated educators. I can only think that the story had them so enthralled that they missed the few grammar mistakes.

And FYI if you uploaded it yesterday You would be getting a better edit than you would if you uploaded it last week.... Such is the digital world we live in! Thanks for the info though. It is selling at Amazon. Everything does. It just doesnt sell at Smashwords because everyone wants free books there.

As for the inconsistencies, well he's a pixie in a fairy tale. He is supposed to be strange. I call/refer to my dad as 'my dad' and 'my father' both. Don't you? That's normal not abnormal. It would be abnormal for him not to have variances and slang in his speech and action. He isn't a robot.
English is my second language, and I haven't got a creative bone in my body, but I do spot mistakes/spelling errors... Writing would be no good for me, but maybe I could be an editor...

Maybe your 'highly educated educators' just read the story and commented on that more so than the writing itself.

Everyone doesn't want free books at Smashwords. I pay for more books at Smashwords than I do at Amazon. Amazon charges an extra $2 for some countries outside USA, so a book advertised as costing $8, costs me $10. At Smashwords I pay the price advertised...

Calling your dad 'father' and your mum 'ma' I see no problem with. In the earlier days kids never had a lot to do with their father, and had a huge respect for him (often addressing him as 'Sir')
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Old 09-18-2010, 08:56 AM   #11
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Queentess & Lene, I will fix all of the issues eventually, but they are minor and inconsequential to the sales of the story. If it doesn't sell, I'll pull it. I have sevral 400-800page novels that I have to scour for errors and those are far more important to me than these short stories. If I charge you 4 or 5 bucks or more for something rest assured I had it pro-editted. The 1$ short stories are for a quick entertaining read, not a Literature contest.

Any of you......FEEL FREE TO EDIT ANY OF MY SHORT STORIES.... lol I would greatly appreciate it!
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Old 09-19-2010, 03:41 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by queentess View Post
The first paragraph:


As a reader, not any sort of professional editor, this sounds… clunky.


He calls his dad "father" but calls his mom "ma"? Seems inconsistent.

EDIT:
Upon further reading, did you have anyone (aside from yourself) edit this before publishing it? There's a lot of infodump, commas aren't placed correctly, and there are some weird time elements where it switches from current time to many hours later in the span of a paragraph. And a host of other issues I won't get into since you weren't asking for editing help. But this could easily explain why people view the sample and then don't buy.
The extra promo stuff has been removed and the story scoured and reuploaded.
Go get it now! Go on! I said go get it!
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Old 09-19-2010, 12:12 PM   #13
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If I charge you 4 or 5 bucks or more for something rest assured I had it pro-editted.
Then you had The Sword and the Dragon professionally edited? Did that include proofing, which as has been said elsewhere, is a totally different process? The reason I ask is that as I read the free sample, I find many homonym errors and one case that sticks in my mind of two words run together that created another legitimate word (an ally/anally). However, the editing does seem OK. Since this book costs well over your stated $4-$5 pro-editing level, I was just wondering. Don't get defensive; I know you are getting beaten bloody here about your proofing or the lack thereof. The story is good, and it's too bad you feel the need to charge so much for it when you can't afford to have it professionally gone over with more than spell check (which of course doesn't catch homonym errors or run-together typos that create legitimate words). While I am no author (unless you count numerous master's-level research papers), as a mere reader I find these small errors to be disturbing "speed bumps" that interfere with my enjoyment of the story. And no, I do not claim to be perfect in terms of my own writing/posting. But then, I'm not promoting myself as an author, either.

You might consider including in the blurb on Smashwords and maybe even on Amazon something to the effect that readers are purchasing the story, not editing or proofing, and that anyone who doesn't want to pay this much for a "rough" book is free to move along. That way, any of us who are disturbed by such inconsequentials as missing/too many commas, homonym errors, run-together words, etc. will know that you do not see them as problems and we are purchasing your work at our own risk. You can even call it full disclosure and use it here to silence your critics!

Again, the story is very good as far as I've gotten in the sample; it's just the dratted "speed bumps" that I don't like.
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Old 09-19-2010, 04:55 PM   #14
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In linguistics, a homonym is, in the strict sense, one of a group of words that share the same spelling and the same pronunciation but have different meanings.

So how do you know what intended meaning I have if they are spelled the same and have the same pronunciation? That is impossible.

You might be refering to a homograph, or a homophone, but a homonym is just a word with duplicate meanings. Homonyms are everywhere, in every docoument, and no proofreading can single them out.

The Sword and the Dragon was edited completely by Cliff Ball and his editing service. If you have a problem with it then contact him. It was a complete edit not a proofread. I just never changed the first paragraph.

It has minor speed bumps because I am not a schooled author. I am a person who wrote a 700,000 word trilogy in long hand in a prison cell without the luxury of a word processor or spell check.

I never claimed to be great. And trust me, as a person who has read at least 500 books I know how good it is. And though it has its problems it is better than most offerings on the market tday. Read the reviews at Goodreads and Amazon. You'll see its no fluke.

Last edited by M. R. Mathias; 09-19-2010 at 10:52 PM.
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Old 09-19-2010, 06:52 PM   #15
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Quote:
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It was edited completely by Cliff Ball and his editing service. If you have a problem with it then contact him. It was a complete edit not a proofread. I just never changed the first paragraph.
This explains a lot; the book has been edited but not proofed. However, the issues I mentioned are far past the first paragraph so I'm not sure what relevance any changes to it have. And contacting your editor is not for me to do.

Quote:
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It has speed bumps because I am not a schooled author. I am a person who wrote a 700,000 word trilogy in long hand in a prison cell without the luxury of a word processor or spell check.
While an admirable accomplishment, the fact remains that you are no longer in a prison cell, or if you are, you now have Internet access and therefore access to spell and grammar check. But as I said, spell check would not catch homonym errors or run-together words that create new words. Only a thorough proofing by someone other than the writer can catch those, and even then some will slip through.

Quote:
Originally Posted by M. R. Mathias View Post
I never claimed to be great. And trust me, as a person who has read at least 500 books I know how good it is. And though it has its problems it is better than most offerings on the market.
Not great, but modest, I see. Since you know how good it is, there is no need to say any more about that. And since you don't see problems with your work as problems, but as things to be explained or excused away, there is nothing more to say about them, either. That doesn't leave much if anything to say about your work.
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