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Old 11-15-2017, 03:54 AM   #9931
drjd
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Long ago in Russia, all they had was iPhone 3. They called it iPhone the Terrible.
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Old 11-15-2017, 06:20 AM   #9932
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Long ago in Russia, all they had was iPhone 3. They called it iPhone the Terrible.
My favorite.
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Old 11-16-2017, 06:50 AM   #9933
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Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seems to go hand and hand these days.

I wasn’t surprised when one of my daughter’s friends showed me a delicate little Japanese symbol on her hip.

“Please don’t tell my parents,” she begged.

“I won’t,” I promised. “You’re 18 now, so I guess it’s your choice. By the way, what does that stand for?”

“Honesty,” she said.
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Old 11-16-2017, 09:54 PM   #9934
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When my kids were growing up I always told them they could get whatever tattoos or piercings they wanted. There was just one condition -- they had to let me do it.
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Old 11-17-2017, 06:01 AM   #9935
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Originally Posted by cromag View Post
When my kids were growing up I always told them they could get whatever tattoos or piercings they wanted. There was just one condition -- they had to let me do it.


We have just had our first brush with tattoos in our family. My 18 daughter, my wife and myself all had the alt-j triangle tattooed on our wrists in the same sitting .

Now for my joke:

Just walked down a street where the house numbers were 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K & 1MB. Well, that was a trip down memory lane.
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Old 11-18-2017, 12:17 PM   #9936
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A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car. One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"
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Old 11-29-2017, 12:11 PM   #9937
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On arriving home, Phil was met at the door by his sobbing wife, Linda' who tearfully explained, "It was the chemist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Phil immediately drove to the shop to confront the chemist and demand an apology.
Before Phil could say no more than a few words, the chemist hollered, "Now, just a minute, you hold on! Please just listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I got up late. I had no breakfast and hurried half dressed, out to the car, only to realize that I had just locked the house with both house and car keys inside.
I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket, and then three streets from the shop, I had a flat tyre. When I got to the shop there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up, and I started waiting on them, and all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook."
The chemist continued, "Then opening a bag of loose change, I spilled them all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins; the damn phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a shelf full of expensive perfume bottles causing all of them to fall to the floor and break.
Meanwhile, the damn phone is has not stopped ringing for a second and when I finally got to answer it. It was your bloody wife wanting to know how to use a digital rectal thermometer... and honest Phil, all I did was really tell her!"
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Old 11-29-2017, 07:39 PM   #9938
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Our local pet store is offering a free canary to anyone who comes in -- no perch is necessary!
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Old 11-30-2017, 05:02 AM   #9939
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There are two rules for success in life:

Rule 1 - Don't tell people everything you know.
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Old 12-03-2017, 05:00 AM   #9940
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A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: "Prophet, tell me when you will die!"

The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him, immediately, no matter what answer he gave. So he said, finally, "I do not know when I will die. I only know that whenever I die, you will die three days later."
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Old 12-05-2017, 08:06 AM   #9941
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I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
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Old 12-06-2017, 04:57 AM   #9942
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Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money."
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Old 12-06-2017, 04:10 PM   #9943
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True one, from a bio of the Roosevelts (heard on a radio interview of authors):

Eleanor Roosevelt had just come back from a checkup at her doctor's.
Franklin: Eleanor, what did the doctor have to say about that big ass of yours?
Eleanor: Oh Franklin, he didn't have anything to say about you!
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Old 12-08-2017, 06:15 AM   #9944
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I think it is pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
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Old 12-10-2017, 05:28 AM   #9945
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