Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 768

drjd · 09-12-2021, 06:38 AM

Two English butchers, who hated each other, were doing business across the street from each other for ten years. For the full ten years they always competed for the other's business.

One butcher would put up a sign reading, "Sirloin: £2.50 a pound" and the other would put up a sign "Sirloin: £2 a pound."

The first would put up a sign reading, "Whole pork loin: £1.85 a pound" and the second would, again, under-price him.

This went on for the full ten years; back and forth, back and forth.

One day the first butcher got a bright idea. Instead of advertising his prices he placed a professionally painted sign reading, "The Queen buys all her meats here."

The next day another professionally painted sign appeared in the window of the butcher shop across the street which read, "God save the Queen."

drjd · 09-18-2021, 06:01 AM

I’m writing a book in fifth person...
So every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody…”

drjd · 09-20-2021, 06:09 AM

I may not be around in 2084...
But at least I know there's the possibility I may still be voting!

cromag · 09-21-2021, 04:41 AM

Q: Dear Abby, my child will not eat fish. What can I replace it with?

A. A cat. Cats love fish.

Bookpossum · 09-21-2021, 08:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cromag

Q: Dear Abby, my child will not eat fish. What can I replace it with?

A. A cat. Cats love fish.

So much less trouble than a child too!

guanaco · 09-25-2021, 03:06 PM

In Egypt, the waters of the Siwa oasis are universally famous for their male-empowering ability. By way of experimentation, a centiliter of these waters was administered to the mummy of a pharaoh in the Abu Rimpel Museum, and immediately it came to life. The guards of the museum fled in terror, and the one who confronted the pharaoh was the director of the museum, Sir Highrump Lowprick, who now immediately changes the conversation when the subject is raised in his London club.

drjd · 10-02-2021, 05:25 AM

This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

WT Sharpe · 10-04-2021, 04:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by drjd

This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

I am stealing that. Very much so I am.

drjd · 10-06-2021, 04:19 AM

Occasionally you hear about a really dry spell in Texas.

I always thought the stories were exaggerated, until we received a birthday card for my wife's birthday last week.

They attached the stamp with a staple.

LazyScot · 10-08-2021, 01:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

I am stealing that. Very much so I am.

Why do you want a picture of DrJD with his Secretary?

drjd · 10-08-2021, 05:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LazyScot

Why do you want a picture of DrJD with his Secretary?

Another load worth half million, maybe.

drjd · 10-08-2021, 05:22 AM

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

DNSB · 10-10-2021, 01:52 AM

A pirate walks into a pub.
Pubkeeper: “What happened to you? Last time I saw you, you looked great. Now you’ve got a wooden leg, a glass eye and a hook.”
Pirate: “First we were in battle, and a cannonball blew my leg off. Then we were in another battle, and a sword cut my hand off. Then a bird flew over the ship, I looked up, and it pooped in my eye.”
Pubkeeper: “You lost your eye to some bird poop?”
Pirate: “I wasn’t used to the hook…”

drjd · 10-10-2021, 06:02 AM

What did the dentist call the x-ray he took of your mouth?

A tooth pic.

drjd · 10-12-2021, 04:43 AM

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

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09-12-2021, 06:38 AM	#11506
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Two English butchers, who hated each other, were doing business across the street from each other for ten years. For the full ten years they always competed for the other's business. One butcher would put up a sign reading, "Sirloin: £2.50 a pound" and the other would put up a sign "Sirloin: £2 a pound." The first would put up a sign reading, "Whole pork loin: £1.85 a pound" and the second would, again, under-price him. This went on for the full ten years; back and forth, back and forth. One day the first butcher got a bright idea. Instead of advertising his prices he placed a professionally painted sign reading, "The Queen buys all her meats here." The next day another professionally painted sign appeared in the window of the butcher shop across the street which read, "God save the Queen."

09-18-2021, 06:01 AM	#11507
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	I’m writing a book in fifth person... So every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody…”

09-20-2021, 06:09 AM	#11508
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	I may not be around in 2084... But at least I know there's the possibility I may still be voting!

09-21-2021, 04:41 AM	#11509
cromag Surfin the alpha waves ~~ Posts: 24,293 Karma: 459220161 Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: New Jersey Device: Jetbook Lite & Mini, Nook STR, Kobo, Hanvon N516, Kindle 2, Androids	Q: Dear Abby, my child will not eat fish. What can I replace it with? A. A cat. Cats love fish.

09-25-2021, 03:06 PM	#11511
guanaco Recovering reader Posts: 222 Karma: 8008008 Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: México Device: iPad	In Egypt, the waters of the Siwa oasis are universally famous for their male-empowering ability. By way of experimentation, a centiliter of these waters was administered to the mummy of a pharaoh in the Abu Rimpel Museum, and immediately it came to life. The guards of the museum fled in terror, and the one who confronted the pharaoh was the director of the museum, Sir Highrump Lowprick, who now immediately changes the conversation when the subject is raised in his London club.

10-02-2021, 05:25 AM	#11512
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said. "Give me the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news." "The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

10-06-2021, 04:19 AM	#11514
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Occasionally you hear about a really dry spell in Texas. I always thought the stories were exaggerated, until we received a birthday card for my wife's birthday last week. They attached the stamp with a staple.

10-08-2021, 05:22 AM	#11517
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

10-10-2021, 01:52 AM	#11518
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 35,380 Karma: 145435140 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Forma, Clara HD, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	A pirate walks into a pub. Pubkeeper: “What happened to you? Last time I saw you, you looked great. Now you’ve got a wooden leg, a glass eye and a hook.” Pirate: “First we were in battle, and a cannonball blew my leg off. Then we were in another battle, and a sword cut my hand off. Then a bird flew over the ship, I looked up, and it pooped in my eye.” Pubkeeper: “You lost your eye to some bird poop?” Pirate: “I wasn’t used to the hook…”

10-10-2021, 06:02 AM	#11519
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	What did the dentist call the x-ray he took of your mouth? A tooth pic.

10-12-2021, 04:43 AM	#11520
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"