Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 96

yvanleterrible · 07-15-2010, 12:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LCF

PEBKAC and PICNIC are new for me.

I also like the joke: Bil Gates travels on a transcontinental cruise, when a big wave hits the ship and throws him over board. Staying calm in the cold waters, sure of his rescue Mr. Gates starts shouting:
"F1! F1! F1!"

Wouldn't Format C: be a better choice?...

Obvously I wasn't obvious: Format sea was the joke... :groan:

Over · 07-15-2010, 02:21 PM

Bill Gates would have thought that he was in the middle of a blue screen, so there's no point shouting F1

LCF · 07-15-2010, 02:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Over

Bill Gates would have thought that he was in the middle of a blue screen, so there's no point shouting F1

Lycoming · 07-16-2010, 09:58 AM

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....

A blond was driving when she saw the flash of a traffic camera.

She figured that her picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though she knew that she was not speeding.

Just to be sure, she went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now she began to think that this was quite funny, so she drove even slower as she passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

She tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while she rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, she got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You can't fix stupid.

yvanleterrible · 07-16-2010, 10:57 AM

... septic tank...

.. oh!.

... my sides are hurting...

!

That's your best one Lycoming.... thank you!...

WT Sharpe · 07-16-2010, 03:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

... septic tank...

.. oh!.

... my sides are hurting...

!

That's your best one Lycoming.... thank you!...

"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." Hilarious!

Lycoming · 07-18-2010, 02:10 PM

Two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles' club and talking about another guy at the other end of the bar.

"I don't get it," complained the first guy: "He's not good-looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes and he drives a beat-up wreck of a car yet always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!"

"Yeah," replies his buddy: "He's not even very good conversationally. All he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows."

LCF · 07-18-2010, 03:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles' club and talking about another guy at the other end of the bar.

"I don't get it," complained the first guy: "He's not good-looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes and he drives a beat-up wreck of a car yet always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!"

"Yeah," replies his buddy: "He's not even very good conversationally. All he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows."

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.

Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No-think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally,he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

yvanleterrible · 07-18-2010, 04:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles' club and talking about another guy at the other end of the bar.

"I don't get it," complained the first guy: "He's not good-looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes and he drives a beat-up wreck of a car yet always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!"

"Yeah," replies his buddy: "He's not even very good conversationally. All he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows."

This guy?

Lycoming · 07-18-2010, 04:30 PM

Honest this happened for real, cross my wotsit and hope it falls off.

I was standing beside the father of the groom at a wedding. The bride was quite attractive, the groom was decidedly unattractive. The groom's father enquired, "What does she see in him? I know he's my son, but what is it?"

To which I replied. "He has a ten inch tongue and can breathe through his ears."

The father nearly wet himself, the whole congregation looked at us, of course I remained impassive, with a concerned look on my face.

WT Sharpe · 07-18-2010, 05:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Honest this happened for real, cross my wotsit and hope it falls off.

I was standing beside the father of the groom at a wedding. The bride was quite attractive, the groom was decidedly unattractive. The groom's father enquired, "What does she see in him? I know he's my son, but what is it?"

To which I replied. "He has a ten inch tongue and can breathe through his ears."

The father nearly wet himself, the whole congregation looked at us, of course I remained impassive, with a concerned look on my face.

I was in the bosses' office one day with a friend and co-worker, when my friend started talking about his wife's sexual prowess. Our boss at the time—a very religious fundamentalist type of fellow—was obviously uncomfortable when the man said, "One thing I have to say about my wife: She's gooooood in bed!"; but I thought his jaw was going to drop slam off when I responded, "I'll second that!"

My friend just laughed, but the shocked look on the bosses' face was priceless!

kennyc · 07-18-2010, 05:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

I was in the bosses' office one day with a friend and co-worker, when my friend started talking about his wife's sexual prowess. Our boss at the time—a very religious fundamentalist type of fellow—was obviously uncomfortable when the man said, "One thing I have to say about my wife: She's gooooood in bed!"; but I thought his jaw was going to drop slam off when I responded, "I'll second that!"

My friend just laughed, but the shocked look of the bosses' face was priceless!

yvanleterrible · 07-18-2010, 06:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

I was in the bosses' office one day with a friend and co-worker, when my friend started talking about his wife's sexual prowess. Our boss at the time—a very religious fundamentalist type of fellow—was obviously uncomfortable when the man said, "One thing I have to say about my wife: She's gooooood in bed!"; but I thought his jaw was going to drop slam off when I responded, "I'll second that!"

My friend just laughed, but the shocked look of the bosses' face was priceless!

My kind of joke!

Verencat · 07-18-2010, 11:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

This guy?

Hey! It's mom's Prince Charming! YAY!

happy_terd · 07-19-2010, 12:39 AM

Strange. I always pictured Yvan with more warts than that.

07-16-2010, 10:57 AM	#1430
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	... septic tank..... oh!.... my sides are hurting...! That's your best one Lycoming.... thank you!...

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07-15-2010, 02:21 PM	#1427
Over Wizard Posts: 1,462 Karma: 6061516 Join Date: May 2008 Location: Cascais, Portugal Device: Kindle PW, Samsung Galaxy Note Pro 12.2", OnePlus 6	Bill Gates would have thought that he was in the middle of a blue screen, so there's no point shouting F1

07-16-2010, 09:58 AM	#1429
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." Apparently I'm still lost.... A blond was driving when she saw the flash of a traffic camera. She figured that her picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though she knew that she was not speeding. Just to be sure, she went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now she began to think that this was quite funny, so she drove even slower as she passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. She tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while she rolled past at a snail's pace. Two weeks later, she got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt. You can't fix stupid.

07-18-2010, 02:10 PM	#1432
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles' club and talking about another guy at the other end of the bar. "I don't get it," complained the first guy: "He's not good-looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes and he drives a beat-up wreck of a car yet always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!" "Yeah," replies his buddy: "He's not even very good conversationally. All he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows."

07-18-2010, 04:30 PM	#1435
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Honest this happened for real, cross my wotsit and hope it falls off. I was standing beside the father of the groom at a wedding. The bride was quite attractive, the groom was decidedly unattractive. The groom's father enquired, "What does she see in him? I know he's my son, but what is it?" To which I replied. "He has a ten inch tongue and can breathe through his ears." The father nearly wet himself, the whole congregation looked at us, of course I remained impassive, with a concerned look on my face.

07-19-2010, 12:39 AM	#1440
happy_terd Banned Posts: 13,045 Karma: 10105011 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Finally made it to Walmart. Device: PRS 420	Strange. I always pictured Yvan with more warts than that.