Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 94

pdurrant · 07-11-2010, 01:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wetdogeared

I'm not going to admit I know what that hand gesture means.

I believe it might be related to the size of his rooster. (Or have I got my avian terminology mixed up?)

WT Sharpe · 07-11-2010, 02:47 PM

@ Over:

That's dirty! You Rick-Rolled us! You beast!

yvanleterrible · 07-11-2010, 06:05 PM

This was the moment a stand up fears the most. When you hear a fly buzzing until a gentle soul ends the suspense.

LCF · 07-11-2010, 06:30 PM

Attention, the following joke might not be appropriate for minors!

Spoiler:

ShortNCuddlyAm · 07-11-2010, 06:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Over

I hope it's not too soon

:groan:

montsnmags · 07-11-2010, 08:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Which reminds me........

Which reminds me...

LCF · 07-11-2010, 08:51 PM

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse downs a shot of Jack Daniel's, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot.

When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of Bombay Sapphire, downs them both, slams each glass into the bar.

Turns to the first mouse, and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.

"The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and f**k the cat."

LCF · 07-11-2010, 09:01 PM

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest was asked to say a few words in the meanwhile. Not being prepared to speak then, he wondered for a minute and then decided to share his experience on the first day in the parish to highlight how one should not rush to conclusions.

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs. I was appalled.

But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'....

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: 'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late.

Over · 07-13-2010, 12:33 PM

Lycoming · 07-14-2010, 07:17 AM

It takes just £1 / $1 on a boring Sunday afternoon to

really piss somebody off on Monday morning.

yvanleterrible · 07-14-2010, 07:36 AM

I don't know where you live but here all those carts would have disappeared or lost their wheels...

Javed · 07-14-2010, 07:41 AM

Great picture, Lycoming! It looks kind of mysterious like crop circles.

Over · 07-14-2010, 07:45 AM

kennyc · 07-14-2010, 07:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

I don't know where you live but here all those carts would have disappeared or lost their wheels...

What would/do people do with shopping cart wheels?

Lycoming · 07-14-2010, 10:36 AM

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and open the trunk..

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it!

They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.

He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here?'

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him

'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'

Yeah, I know. I'm still groaning at that one.

07-11-2010, 06:30 PM	#1399
LCF Wizard Posts: 1,472 Karma: 9795311 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Germany Device: Hanlin V3 (LBook), GS3	Attention, the following joke might not be appropriate for minors! Spoiler: Night. Field. A man walking. No, not drunk. Just high. Cause he is an old school hippie. Suddenly one of the cannabis side effects surprises him: he receives an erection. Looking around and wondering what to do he gets the brilliant idea: This is a field full of pumpkins. The pumpkins, they are soft and wet from the inside. Perfect." Hi digs a hole in one pumpkin and gets to work. Unfortunately in the moment of sublime joy a police patrol stops near him: "Sir, do you understand what you are doing with this pumpkin?" The hippie is so scared, he says the first thing that comes to his mind: "Oh, is it midnight yet?"

07-11-2010, 08:51 PM	#1402
LCF Wizard Posts: 1,472 Karma: 9795311 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Germany Device: Hanlin V3 (LBook), GS3	Three mice are sitting at a bar in a rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse downs a shot of Jack Daniel's, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The second mouse orders up two shots of Bombay Sapphire, downs them both, slams each glass into the bar. Turns to the first mouse, and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day. "The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and f*k the cat." Last edited by Alexander Turcic; 11-19-2010 at 02:55 PM.*

07-13-2010, 12:33 PM	#1404
Over Wizard Posts: 1,462 Karma: 6061516 Join Date: May 2008 Location: Cascais, Portugal Device: Kindle PW, Samsung Galaxy Note Pro 12.2", OnePlus 6	Last edited by Over; 07-13-2010 at 12:38 PM.

07-14-2010, 07:17 AM	#1405
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	It takes just £1 / $1 on a boring Sunday afternoon to really piss somebody off on Monday morning. Last edited by Lycoming; 07-14-2010 at 07:32 AM.

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07-11-2010, 02:47 PM	#1397
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,072 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.	@ Over: That's dirty! You Rick-Rolled us! You beast!

07-11-2010, 06:05 PM	#1398
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	This was the moment a stand up fears the most. When you hear a fly buzzing until a gentle soul ends the suspense.

07-11-2010, 09:01 PM	#1403
LCF Wizard Posts: 1,472 Karma: 9795311 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Germany Device: Hanlin V3 (LBook), GS3	A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest was asked to say a few words in the meanwhile. Not being prepared to speak then, he wondered for a minute and then decided to share his experience on the first day in the parish to highlight how one should not rush to conclusions. 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'.... Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: 'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.' Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late.

07-14-2010, 07:36 AM	#1406
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	I don't know where you live but here all those carts would have disappeared or lost their wheels...

07-14-2010, 07:41 AM	#1407
Javed Grand Sorcerer Posts: 10,270 Karma: 1126878541 Join Date: Oct 2009 Device: Astak Pocket PRO, iPod Touch, PRS-650	Great picture, Lycoming! It looks kind of mysterious like crop circles.

07-14-2010, 07:45 AM	#1408
Over Wizard Posts: 1,462 Karma: 6061516 Join Date: May 2008 Location: Cascais, Portugal Device: Kindle PW, Samsung Galaxy Note Pro 12.2", OnePlus 6

07-14-2010, 10:36 AM	#1410
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and open the trunk.. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers. To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! 'What's going on here?' 'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly. 'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?' I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!' Yeah, I know. I'm still groaning at that one.