Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 89

lene1949 · 06-23-2010, 04:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poohbear_nc

Here ya go - way too funny - love these socks!

He sounds like he's got mouth enough for 10 rows of teeth...

lene1949 · 06-23-2010, 05:03 AM

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing........
You're just like Frank.
Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that
to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like
an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have
heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer.
He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine,
which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.
He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the
whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then..'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.
But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat
a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back
even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate,
shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a
mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, ............he died and I married his f***ing wife'

lene1949 · 06-23-2010, 05:04 AM

-----Irish farmer

A man owned a small farm in Ireland . The Irish
Internal Revenue determined he was not paying proper wages
to his staff and sent an investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay
them!", demanded the investigator.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand
who's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a
week plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her
$150 per week plus free room and board."

"Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18
hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around
here. He makes about $10 a week. He pays his own
room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every
Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife
occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to...the halfwit!" said
the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

pdurrant · 06-23-2010, 05:40 AM

A woman walks into a bar, and asks the barman for a double entendre.
.
.
.
.
.
So he gives her one.

I understand that this might not work for anyone who doesn't speak English English, so I have hyperlinked the relevant phrases. Explained jokes are rarely funny, but at least all you foreigners won't be scratching your heads all day, trying to work out just what's supposed to be funny.

pdurrant · 06-23-2010, 05:54 AM

In early 1946 Winston Churchill met President Truman. The discussion turned to the new UK Prime Minister, Clement Attlee.

Truman defended Attlee: "He seems a modest sort of fellow."
Churchill replied: "He’s got a lot to be modest about."

Lycoming · 06-23-2010, 06:31 AM

When children come in to the doctor’s office where I work, it’s my job to weigh and measure them. After several unsuccessful attempts to get one frightened three-year-old on the scale, her mother said, "Honey, Mommy has a scale at home. Do like I do and stand on it."

Recognition dawned on the child’s face and she confidently stepped on the scale, looked down and exclaimed, "Oh, sh*t!"

kennyc · 06-23-2010, 06:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poohbear_nc

Here ya go - way too funny - love these socks!

OMG!!!! "Make me one with everything."

They are all sick, sick, sick! and I love them!

(I also love how the "other" puppet just stands there doing nothing...

)

vivaldirules · 06-23-2010, 07:08 AM

Two guys walk into a bar, see, and one guy says to the other "What iPad?"

yvanleterrible · 06-23-2010, 07:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vivaldirules

Two guys walk into a bar, see, and one guy says to the other "What iPad?"

Keep it up, you're on a troll!...

kennyc · 06-23-2010, 07:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

Keep it up, you're on a troll!...

Certainly moreso than someone objecting to the use of a silly word to reference an ebook reader.

yvanleterrible · 06-23-2010, 07:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

Certainly moreso than someone objecting to the use of a silly word to reference an ebook reader.

I have no idea what you mean...

.
.
.
.
.

kennyc · 06-23-2010, 07:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

I have no idea what you mean...

.
.
.
.
.

I Know but it has nothing to do with Apple or iPads.

This is the vent and rant thread, right?

yvanleterrible · 06-23-2010, 08:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

I Know but it has nothing to do with Apple or iPads.

This is the vent and rant thread, right?

Actually I do know but I don't want to get involved. Anything that involves personal preferences is sacred and protected by law. Why fight about it?
I prefer to observe...

vivaldirules · 06-23-2010, 08:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

Actually I do know but I don't want to get involved. Anything that involves personal preferences is sacred and protected by law. Why fight about it?
I prefer to observe...

Me, too. But to make it more fun, I also like to incite. I sure do like DRM, by the way.

Javed · 06-23-2010, 08:38 AM

What would Hugo and Lefty do?

06-23-2010, 05:40 AM	#1324
pdurrant The Grand Mouse 高貴的老鼠 Posts: 74,056 Karma: 315160596 Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Norfolk, England Device: Kindle Oasis	A woman walks into a bar, and asks the barman for a double entendre. . . . . . So he gives her one. I understand that this might not work for anyone who doesn't speak English English, so I have hyperlinked the relevant phrases. Explained jokes are rarely funny, but at least all you foreigners won't be scratching your heads all day, trying to work out just what's supposed to be funny. Last edited by pdurrant; 06-23-2010 at 05:43 AM. Reason: Added a smiley, just in case anyone thought the comment and link at the end are intended to be serious.

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06-23-2010, 05:03 AM	#1322
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing........ You're just like Frank. Passenger: 'Who?' Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.' Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.' Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.' Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special. Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right. Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then..' Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.' Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?' Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, ............he died and I married his f***ing wife'

06-23-2010, 05:04 AM	#1323
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	-----Irish farmer A man owned a small farm in Ireland . The Irish Internal Revenue determined he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an investigator out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them!", demanded the investigator. "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. "The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board." "Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week. He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to...the halfwit!" said the agent. "That would be me," replied the farmer.

06-23-2010, 05:54 AM	#1325
pdurrant The Grand Mouse 高貴的老鼠 Posts: 74,056 Karma: 315160596 Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Norfolk, England Device: Kindle Oasis	In early 1946 Winston Churchill met President Truman. The discussion turned to the new UK Prime Minister, Clement Attlee. Truman defended Attlee: "He seems a modest sort of fellow." Churchill replied: "He’s got a lot to be modest about."

06-23-2010, 06:31 AM	#1326
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	When children come in to the doctor’s office where I work, it’s my job to weigh and measure them. After several unsuccessful attempts to get one frightened three-year-old on the scale, her mother said, "Honey, Mommy has a scale at home. Do like I do and stand on it." Recognition dawned on the child’s face and she confidently stepped on the scale, looked down and exclaimed, "Oh, sh*t!"

06-23-2010, 07:08 AM	#1328
vivaldirules When's Doughnut Day? Posts: 10,059 Karma: 13675475 Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Houston, TX, US Device: Sony PRS-505, iPad	Two guys walk into a bar, see, and one guy says to the other "What iPad?"

06-23-2010, 08:38 AM	#1335
Javed Grand Sorcerer Posts: 10,270 Karma: 1126878541 Join Date: Oct 2009 Device: Astak Pocket PRO, iPod Touch, PRS-650	What would Hugo and Lefty do?