Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 80

Lycoming · 05-11-2010, 12:33 PM

Sorry Ivan, it's this damn ...... what's the word......forgetfulness.

Now all I need is a young blond to spend this fortune I just won on the lottery. The cheque is in the post.

Now...... why did I come in here???????

SneakySnake · 05-11-2010, 07:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Sorry Ivan, it's this damn ...... what's the word......forgetfulness.

Now all I need is a young blond to spend this fortune I just won on the lottery. The cheque is in the post.

Now...... why did I come in here???????

Did someone say fortune?

How young?

Lycoming · 05-12-2010, 10:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SneakySnake

Did someone say fortune?

How young?

A pulse would be a good starting point.

poohbear_nc · 05-13-2010, 10:41 AM

"Big People Words"

A group of kindergartners were trying to become
accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle
they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby
talk.

"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always
remind them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big
people words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took
a ride on a choo-choo."

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big
people words."

She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a
book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book
did you read?"

Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest
with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."

Over · 05-13-2010, 04:20 PM

On their way to getting married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'

yvanleterrible · 05-13-2010, 04:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Over

'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'

Lycoming · 05-14-2010, 06:57 AM

Tourist hospitalised by venomous spider bite on penis
A tourist who fell asleep on a beach in New Zealand following a naked swim has been admitted to hospital after a venomous native spider bit him on his penis.

The 22-year-old Canadian, who had earlier left his clothes in the sand dunes while he went for a "skinny dip", then spent 16 days in hospital suffering from potentially fatal heart inflammation.
"He woke to find his penis swollen and painful, with a red mark on the shaft suggestive of a bite," Dr Nigel Harrison, who treated the man, writes in the latest New Zealand Medical Journal.

"He rapidly developed generalised muscle pains, fever, headache, photophobia [light sensitivity] and vomiting.
"It was a rather nasty, ill-placed bite," Dr Harrison said.
By the time the tourist reached the nearest hospital, in the northern town of Dargaville, his penis was severely swollen, his blood pressure was up and his heartbeat racing.
The following morning, chest pain and other symptoms developed and doctors diagnosed he had been bitten by a katipo, a rare native spider related to the Australian redback and North American black widow spiders.
The man was treated with anti-venom medicine sent from the regional hospital in Whangarei.
Although his condition rapidly improved the heart problems persisted.
As a result, he was treated at Whangarei Hospital then transferred to the much larger Auckland Hospital before returning home to Canada.
"He was discharged after a total of 16 days in hospital. On review he was generally well," the medical journal report says.
It is the first known case of myocarditis, or heart inflammation, occurring after a katipo spider bite.
The katipo, a Maori name meaning "night-stinger", is on New Zealand's endangered species list.
The spiders usually bite only in self defence.
The female has a black body with a white bordered red stripe on its back, while the male is white with black stripes and red diamond-shaped markings.
Only two deaths from katipo bites have been recorded, both in the 19th century.

All of which reminds me of that ancient joke about the Australian man who was bitten in exactly this fashion; his friend phoned the flying doctor service and was advised that the only way to save the man's life was to suck out the poison. When the patient enquired why his friend looked so downcast the friend replied, "He says you're gonna die mate."

poohbear_nc · 05-14-2010, 08:32 AM

You should have put a warning on this post - opening it could cause heart failure amongst the phobic!

ShortNCuddlyAm · 05-14-2010, 08:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poohbear_nc

You should have put a warning on this post - opening it could cause heart failure amongst the phobic!

My chest still hurts from seeing it!

Over · 05-17-2010, 07:05 AM

WT Sharpe · 05-17-2010, 07:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Over

My sentiments exactly!

Over · 05-25-2010, 11:47 AM

happy_terd · 05-26-2010, 01:52 PM

Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters? He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins -- great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer. To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and escorted him safely to shore.

When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat. The lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy."
------------

A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.

The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly -- after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.

After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed anything.

The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, "Are they close to reaching a verdict?" The bailiff shook his head, and replied, "You're honor, they're still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman."
----------
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven.

St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.

To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"

The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.

Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"

Over · 05-27-2010, 05:31 PM

Warning: extremely lame

<<Moderated... violates posting guidelines>>

columbus · 05-28-2010, 11:22 AM

(Don't think this has been posted before)

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...

* * * What's worse I bet you are now singing it to yourself!!!!!!

05-14-2010, 06:57 AM	#1192
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Tourist hospitalised by venomous spider bite on penis A tourist who fell asleep on a beach in New Zealand following a naked swim has been admitted to hospital after a venomous native spider bit him on his penis. The 22-year-old Canadian, who had earlier left his clothes in the sand dunes while he went for a "skinny dip", then spent 16 days in hospital suffering from potentially fatal heart inflammation. "He woke to find his penis swollen and painful, with a red mark on the shaft suggestive of a bite," Dr Nigel Harrison, who treated the man, writes in the latest New Zealand Medical Journal. "He rapidly developed generalised muscle pains, fever, headache, photophobia [light sensitivity] and vomiting. "It was a rather nasty, ill-placed bite," Dr Harrison said. By the time the tourist reached the nearest hospital, in the northern town of Dargaville, his penis was severely swollen, his blood pressure was up and his heartbeat racing. The following morning, chest pain and other symptoms developed and doctors diagnosed he had been bitten by a katipo, a rare native spider related to the Australian redback and North American black widow spiders. The man was treated with anti-venom medicine sent from the regional hospital in Whangarei. Although his condition rapidly improved the heart problems persisted. As a result, he was treated at Whangarei Hospital then transferred to the much larger Auckland Hospital before returning home to Canada. "He was discharged after a total of 16 days in hospital. On review he was generally well," the medical journal report says. It is the first known case of myocarditis, or heart inflammation, occurring after a katipo spider bite. The katipo, a Maori name meaning "night-stinger", is on New Zealand's endangered species list. The spiders usually bite only in self defence. The female has a black body with a white bordered red stripe on its back, while the male is white with black stripes and red diamond-shaped markings. Only two deaths from katipo bites have been recorded, both in the 19th century. All of which reminds me of that ancient joke about the Australian man who was bitten in exactly this fashion; his friend phoned the flying doctor service and was advised that the only way to save the man's life was to suck out the poison. When the patient enquired why his friend looked so downcast the friend replied, "He says you're gonna die mate." Last edited by Lycoming; 05-14-2010 at 10:14 AM.

05-27-2010, 05:31 PM	#1199
Over Wizard Posts: 1,462 Karma: 6061516 Join Date: May 2008 Location: Cascais, Portugal Device: Kindle PW, Samsung Galaxy Note Pro 12.2", OnePlus 6	Warning: extremely lame <<Moderated... violates posting guidelines>> Last edited by pilotbob; 05-28-2010 at 10:49 AM.

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05-11-2010, 12:33 PM	#1186
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Sorry Ivan, it's this damn ...... what's the word......forgetfulness. Now all I need is a young blond to spend this fortune I just won on the lottery. The cheque is in the post. Now...... why did I come in here???????

05-13-2010, 10:41 AM	#1189
poohbear_nc Bah! Humbug! Posts: 63,594 Karma: 135239851 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Durham, NC Device: Every Kindle Ever Made & To Be Made!	"Big People Words" A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."

05-13-2010, 04:20 PM	#1190
Over Wizard Posts: 1,462 Karma: 6061516 Join Date: May 2008 Location: Cascais, Portugal Device: Kindle PW, Samsung Galaxy Note Pro 12.2", OnePlus 6	On their way to getting married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out,' and he leaves. The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?' After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.' 'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?' St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple. 'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'

05-14-2010, 08:32 AM	#1193
poohbear_nc Bah! Humbug! Posts: 63,594 Karma: 135239851 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Durham, NC Device: Every Kindle Ever Made & To Be Made!	You should have put a warning on this post - opening it could cause heart failure amongst the phobic!

05-17-2010, 07:05 AM	#1195
Over Wizard Posts: 1,462 Karma: 6061516 Join Date: May 2008 Location: Cascais, Portugal Device: Kindle PW, Samsung Galaxy Note Pro 12.2", OnePlus 6

05-25-2010, 11:47 AM	#1197
Over Wizard Posts: 1,462 Karma: 6061516 Join Date: May 2008 Location: Cascais, Portugal Device: Kindle PW, Samsung Galaxy Note Pro 12.2", OnePlus 6

05-26-2010, 01:52 PM	#1198
happy_terd Banned Posts: 13,045 Karma: 10105011 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Finally made it to Walmart. Device: PRS 420	Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters? He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help. As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins -- great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer. To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and escorted him safely to shore. When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat. The lawyer answered, "Professional courtesy." ------------ A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers. The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly -- after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate. After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed anything. The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, "Are they close to reaching a verdict?" The bailiff shook his head, and replied, "You're honor, they're still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman." ---------- One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven. St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question. To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?" The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate. Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?" The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"

05-28-2010, 11:22 AM	#1200
columbus Wizard Posts: 999 Karma: 5487540 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: In my own imagination. Device: Sony Prs 650, 505	(Don't think this has been posted before) A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.' 'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?' 'Just three questions' said St Peter. 'Which are?' asked the blonde. 'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' 'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.' So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same). The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.' 'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?' The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.' St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. 'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?' The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!' 'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?' 'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.' St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?' 'It's Andy.' 'Andy??' 'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde. This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?' 'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.' And the blonde entered Heaven... * * * What's worse I bet you are now singing it to yourself!!!!!!