Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[Fbone]

Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe, but if you remove it, you get gravy.

[DNSB]

What do you call a book on Voyeurism? a Peeping Tome.

[Fbone]

Here's one I read today-

“I” before “E,” except when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from weird feisty caffeinated weightlifters.

[DNSB]

Nice one!

Straws are for suckers.

[DNSB]

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke but...

...you guys didn't like it.

[Fbone]

Nothing tops a plain pizza.

[Fbone]

My wife has a weird habit of starting conversations by saying “Are you even listening to me?”

[DNSB]

A lot of women complain that their husbands never listen to them. I'm proud to say l have never heard my wife say that.

[Fbone]

If I had 50¢ for every math test I’ve failed, I’d have $8.30

[DNSB]

The platypus went into a bar and he ordered two sodas.
"That'll be $2.50, please" said the bartender.
"Just put it on my bill" said the platypus.

[DNSB]

I don't know why Americans are so against the metric system. They've been using 9mm in schools for years.

[Fbone]

Starbucks isn't that expensive, when you think of how much Victoria Secret charges per cup.

[PeterT]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?

To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said ...

'Mixin-me-toasties'

[DNSB]

Attorney: Doctor <name redacted>, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

[DNSB]

Daycares, pre-schools and schools should have biohazard warning signs at the front entrance.