Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 769

drjd · 10-13-2021, 05:12 AM

Linda was with her mother while her older sister was being examined by a dentist. Linda kept herself busy playing with toys in the waiting room until she noticed that her mom was resting, her eyes closed.

With about six other patients waiting, Linda marched up to her mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her shoulder.

"Mommy," she yelled, "wake up! This is not church!"

drjd · 10-14-2021, 05:51 AM

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, magnificent house, big car, the love of beautiful woman, then, POW! It was all gone!"

"What happened?," asked the friend.

"My wife found out..."

drjd · 10-15-2021, 05:17 AM

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in ‘Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims,
“What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests,
“I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?”

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking Maybe she’d won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.

The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”

The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”

drjd · 10-17-2021, 05:32 AM

A German walks into a bar and asks for a Martini.
The bartender asks - "dry?"
The German replies - "nein, just one."

drjd · 10-20-2021, 05:19 AM

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.

"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."

"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"

drjd · 10-25-2021, 06:13 AM

Q: What would be the national holiday for a nation of vampires?

A: Fangs-giving!

guanaco · 10-31-2021, 09:07 PM

This guy told his friends in a sad voice: "I met a very pretty lady. She told me: 'Go to my house at 9 at night. There will be no one.' And she gave me her address. I went to her house. And indeed, there was no one”.

timebug · 11-01-2021, 05:54 AM

I have new neighbours.I think they are Italian,because when the mother called and asked where one of the chidren was he replied 'Mamma Mia' (Mam I'm here)

drjd · 11-02-2021, 05:48 AM

As I walked into work my boss greeted me with, "Have a nice day."
I did. I turned around and went home.

drjd · 11-03-2021, 05:26 AM

The Cajun menu offered a vast fish selection: Blackened redfish, orange roughy, pink salmon, browned yellowtail...
Yet with a carefree, colorblind cook, we all ended up with Rainbow trout.

drjd · 11-04-2021, 05:35 AM

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

badgoodDeb · 11-04-2021, 03:30 PM

Ooooo ... good come back!

drjd · 11-05-2021, 05:33 AM

A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he came back home, went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.

The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man.

Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor:
"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"

The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

drjd · 11-10-2021, 04:46 AM

What branch of the military accepts newborns?
The infantry.

drjd · 11-12-2021, 04:38 AM

I was driving home from work when I was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, I got the same ticket, at the same stop, from the same cop.

“So, have you learned anything?” asked the cop.

“Yes, I have,” I began. “I’ve learned it's time to find a new way home from work.”

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10-13-2021, 05:12 AM	#11521
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Linda was with her mother while her older sister was being examined by a dentist. Linda kept herself busy playing with toys in the waiting room until she noticed that her mom was resting, her eyes closed. With about six other patients waiting, Linda marched up to her mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her shoulder. "Mommy," she yelled, "wake up! This is not church!"

10-14-2021, 05:51 AM	#11522
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, magnificent house, big car, the love of beautiful woman, then, POW! It was all gone!" "What happened?," asked the friend. "My wife found out..."

10-15-2021, 05:17 AM	#11523
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in ‘Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, “What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?” A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, “I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?” He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking Maybe she’d won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?” The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”

10-17-2021, 05:32 AM	#11524
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A German walks into a bar and asks for a Martini. The bartender asks - "dry?" The German replies - "nein, just one."

10-20-2021, 05:19 AM	#11525
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress." "Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is down to 140!"

10-25-2021, 06:13 AM	#11526
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Q: What would be the national holiday for a nation of vampires? A: Fangs-giving!

10-31-2021, 09:07 PM	#11527
guanaco Recovering reader Posts: 226 Karma: 8008008 Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: México Device: iPad	This guy told his friends in a sad voice: "I met a very pretty lady. She told me: 'Go to my house at 9 at night. There will be no one.' And she gave me her address. I went to her house. And indeed, there was no one”.

11-01-2021, 05:54 AM	#11528
timebug Ancient Sage Posts: 14,585 Karma: 15493448 Join Date: Oct 2015 Location: Derby U.K. Device: Kobo Reader	I have new neighbours.I think they are Italian,because when the mother called and asked where one of the chidren was he replied 'Mamma Mia' (Mam I'm here)

11-02-2021, 05:48 AM	#11529
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	As I walked into work my boss greeted me with, "Have a nice day." I did. I turned around and went home.

11-03-2021, 05:26 AM	#11530
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	The Cajun menu offered a vast fish selection: Blackened redfish, orange roughy, pink salmon, browned yellowtail... Yet with a carefree, colorblind cook, we all ended up with Rainbow trout.

11-04-2021, 03:30 PM	#11532
badgoodDeb Grand Sorcerer Posts: 8,555 Karma: 64462893 Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Harrisburg outskirts Device: Palms, K1-4s, iPads, iPhones, KV, KO1	Ooooo ... good come back!

11-04-2021, 05:35 AM	#11531
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child." "Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

11-05-2021, 05:33 AM	#11533
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he came back home, went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor: "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!" The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree." The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

11-10-2021, 04:46 AM	#11534
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	What branch of the military accepts newborns? The infantry.

11-12-2021, 04:38 AM	#11535
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	I was driving home from work when I was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, I got the same ticket, at the same stop, from the same cop. “So, have you learned anything?” asked the cop. “Yes, I have,” I began. “I’ve learned it's time to find a new way home from work.”