Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 766

drjd · 07-18-2021, 05:50 AM

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing.

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.

"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."

drjd · 07-22-2021, 04:45 AM

"Madam, your husband must have absolute rest."

"Well, Doctor, he won't listen to me."

"A very good beginning, madam, a very good beginning."

drjd · 07-23-2021, 06:08 AM

Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card?
The thief was spending less than his wife.

drjd · 08-01-2021, 05:30 AM

Waiter: I just wanted to let you know kids eat free.

Dad: Good, I'll have water and my daughter will have the steak and a kid's light beer.

drjd · 08-07-2021, 06:33 AM

"Who likes music?" asks a commander.
Two soldiers step forward.
"OK you two. I bought a piano. Take it to my apartment on the fourth floor."

drjd · 08-09-2021, 06:20 AM

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

drjd · 08-10-2021, 06:36 AM

I’ve just reset my password to DelicateLuggageHandler...
I was told it had to be case-sensitive.

drjd · 08-12-2021, 06:20 AM

A girl walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts.

The guy says, "No, ma'am."

She says, "Well, do you have any dates?"

And he says, "Ma'am, if I don't have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?"

cromag · 08-12-2021, 06:57 PM

Massive crow deaths

The Massachusetts Department of Transportation (MassDOT) found over 200 dead crows on Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.

MassDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!

poohbear_nc · 08-12-2021, 07:32 PM

DNSB · 08-13-2021, 12:58 AM

On releasing the animals from the ark, Noah bid them to go forth and multiply. Suddenly two little snakes spoke up, "But we can't multiply — we are adders." Thereupon Noah constructed a table from rough-hewn lumber and said, "Here is a log table. Now you adders can multiply."

guanaco · 08-14-2021, 03:25 PM

Grandpa: When I was a kid, I'd go to the store with a few dollars and came out with a lot of things.
Grandson: Yeah, grandpa. But now there are many surveillance cameras.

DNSB · 08-14-2021, 08:35 PM

Two women are sitting in a bar...

The women are scoping out the men looking for their next find when a man walks up to the bar next to then and takes out a diamond-covered wallet.

"Hello there, you seem like a kind and interesting person! I'm Jennifer", one of the women says as she goes in for a handshake.

The man replies "Listen, I know how you women are and you just like me because of my diamond wallet!"

She leans over to him, "No darling! It's what's on the inside that counts!"

DNSB · 08-18-2021, 03:24 PM

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, “If I show you the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?”
The bartender says, “Let me see and I’ll consider it.”

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out “Chopsticks”, the hamster plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock and roll.

After a few minutes the bartender says, “Okay, I am impressed. You can drink for free tonight.”

As the bartender is pouring the guy a drink, the guy says, “Hey, if I show you something even more amazing, will you let me drink for free for a month?”

The bartender says, “Okay, but this had better be pretty spectacular.”

So the guy reaches into his bag again and pulls out a microphone and a frog. The frog sits in front of the microphone and begins singing along with the hamster playing the piano.

The bartender says, “Okay, I’m impressed. You can drink here for free for a month.”

As all of this has been going on, another customer at the end of the bar has been watching. He walks over and says, “I’m a theater producer, and I’d like to buy that frog and put him in a show. Will you sell it to me for $500?”

The guy says no.

“$1,000?”

The guy still refuses.

“Okay, will you sell me the frog for $5,000?”

So the guy agrees, and gives the producer the frog for $5,000.

As the producer is leaving, the bartender says to the guy, “I can’t believe you sold the frog! Surely it was worth more than $5,000!”

“Not really.” The guy says. “The hamster’s a ventriloquist.”

Bookpossum · 08-18-2021, 07:08 PM

Lovely!

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07-18-2021, 05:50 AM	#11476
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing. "Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend. "Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."

07-22-2021, 04:45 AM	#11477
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	"Madam, your husband must have absolute rest." "Well, Doctor, he won't listen to me." "A very good beginning, madam, a very good beginning."

07-23-2021, 06:08 AM	#11478
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card? The thief was spending less than his wife.

08-01-2021, 05:30 AM	#11479
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Waiter: I just wanted to let you know kids eat free. Dad: Good, I'll have water and my daughter will have the steak and a kid's light beer.

08-07-2021, 06:33 AM	#11480
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	"Who likes music?" asks a commander. Two soldiers step forward. "OK you two. I bought a piano. Take it to my apartment on the fourth floor."

08-09-2021, 06:20 AM	#11481
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

08-10-2021, 06:36 AM	#11482
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	I’ve just reset my password to DelicateLuggageHandler... I was told it had to be case-sensitive.

08-12-2021, 06:20 AM	#11483
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A girl walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts. The guy says, "No, ma'am." She says, "Well, do you have any dates?" And he says, "Ma'am, if I don't have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?"

08-12-2021, 06:57 PM	#11484
cromag Surfin the alpha waves ~~ Posts: 26,467 Karma: 459765791 Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: New Jersey Device: Jetbook Lite & Mini, Nook STR, Kobo, Hanvon N516, Kindle 2, Androids	Massive crow deaths The Massachusetts Department of Transportation (MassDOT) found over 200 dead crows on Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus. A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19). The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars. MassDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!

08-12-2021, 07:32 PM	#11485
poohbear_nc Bah! Humbug! Posts: 63,717 Karma: 135239851 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Durham, NC Device: Every Kindle Ever Made & To Be Made!

08-13-2021, 12:58 AM	#11486
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 46,978 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	On releasing the animals from the ark, Noah bid them to go forth and multiply. Suddenly two little snakes spoke up, "But we can't multiply — we are adders." Thereupon Noah constructed a table from rough-hewn lumber and said, "Here is a log table. Now you adders can multiply."

08-14-2021, 03:25 PM	#11487
guanaco Recovering reader Posts: 226 Karma: 8008008 Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: México Device: iPad	Grandpa: When I was a kid, I'd go to the store with a few dollars and came out with a lot of things. Grandson: Yeah, grandpa. But now there are many surveillance cameras.

08-14-2021, 08:35 PM	#11488
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 46,978 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	Two women are sitting in a bar... The women are scoping out the men looking for their next find when a man walks up to the bar next to then and takes out a diamond-covered wallet. "Hello there, you seem like a kind and interesting person! I'm Jennifer", one of the women says as she goes in for a handshake. The man replies "Listen, I know how you women are and you just like me because of my diamond wallet!" She leans over to him, "No darling! It's what's on the inside that counts!"

08-18-2021, 03:24 PM	#11489
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 46,978 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, “If I show you the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?” The bartender says, “Let me see and I’ll consider it.” So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out “Chopsticks”, the hamster plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock and roll. After a few minutes the bartender says, “Okay, I am impressed. You can drink for free tonight.” As the bartender is pouring the guy a drink, the guy says, “Hey, if I show you something even more amazing, will you let me drink for free for a month?” The bartender says, “Okay, but this had better be pretty spectacular.” So the guy reaches into his bag again and pulls out a microphone and a frog. The frog sits in front of the microphone and begins singing along with the hamster playing the piano. The bartender says, “Okay, I’m impressed. You can drink here for free for a month.” As all of this has been going on, another customer at the end of the bar has been watching. He walks over and says, “I’m a theater producer, and I’d like to buy that frog and put him in a show. Will you sell it to me for $500?” The guy says no. “$1,000?” The guy still refuses. “Okay, will you sell me the frog for $5,000?” So the guy agrees, and gives the producer the frog for $5,000. As the producer is leaving, the bartender says to the guy, “I can’t believe you sold the frog! Surely it was worth more than $5,000!” “Not really.” The guy says. “The hamster’s a ventriloquist.”

08-18-2021, 07:08 PM	#11490
Bookpossum Snoozing in the sun Posts: 10,146 Karma: 115423645 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Melbourne, Australia Device: iPad Mini, Kobo Touch	Lovely!