Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 764

guanaco · 06-14-2021, 10:05 PM

A sales manager asks a job applicant:
- Do you have sales experience?
- Yes of course. I sold my house, my car, and almost all of my wife's jewelry.

drjd · 06-16-2021, 06:39 AM

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

drjd · 06-17-2021, 05:57 AM

Home is where you hang your @.

DNSB · 06-17-2021, 12:29 PM

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while  applying the same principles.

Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.

And it works. I already have three people following me—two  police officers and a psychiatrist.

drjd · 06-19-2021, 06:13 AM

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork."

WT Sharpe · 06-20-2021, 12:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by drjd

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

One day negative numbers will come up during the course of an otherwise normal conversation, and on that day I am stealing this!

DNSB · 06-21-2021, 01:58 PM

I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder. But it's very sad that I never knew my real ladder.

drjd · 06-23-2021, 05:43 AM

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to buzz off!!!!!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

DNSB · 06-23-2021, 03:05 PM

I told the kids I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. So they unplugged my computer and threw out my wine.

Freeshadow · 06-24-2021, 06:25 PM

Correcting

Quote:

Originally Posted by drjd

~ is where you hang your @.

drjd · 06-25-2021, 06:34 AM

Grandpa always said when one door closes, another one opens...
Great man, horrible cabinet maker.

drjd · 06-28-2021, 05:56 AM

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

DNSB · 06-28-2021, 12:19 PM

A man walks into a restaurant and says, "How do you prepare your chickens?" The cook replies, "Nothing special. We just tell 'em they're gonna die."

poohbear_nc · 06-28-2021, 08:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DNSB

A man walks into a restaurant and says, "How do you prepare your chickens?" The cook replies, "Nothing special. We just tell 'em they're gonna die."

DNSB · 06-29-2021, 12:23 AM

On his way to perform at a graveside service, the bagpiper gets lost. After many wrong turns, he finally arrives, but the minister and mourners have already gone. Only the grave diggers remain, and they're eating lunch. Not knowing what else to do, the bagpiper begins to play. The workers put down their lunches and weep as the man plays "Amazing Grace." When he finishes, he packs up his bagpipes and heads for his car. As he opens the door, he hears one of the workers say, "I've never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years."

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06-14-2021, 10:05 PM	#11446
guanaco Recovering reader Posts: 226 Karma: 8008008 Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: México Device: iPad	A sales manager asks a job applicant: - Do you have sales experience? - Yes of course. I sold my house, my car, and almost all of my wife's jewelry.

06-16-2021, 06:39 AM	#11447
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

06-17-2021, 05:57 AM	#11448
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Home is where you hang your @.

06-17-2021, 12:29 PM	#11449
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 46,997 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while  applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three people following me—two  police officers and a psychiatrist.

06-19-2021, 06:13 AM	#11450
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork."

06-21-2021, 01:58 PM	#11452
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 46,997 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder. But it's very sad that I never knew my real ladder.

06-23-2021, 05:43 AM	#11453
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to buzz off!!!!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

06-23-2021, 03:05 PM	#11454
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 46,997 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	I told the kids I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. So they unplugged my computer and threw out my wine.

06-25-2021, 06:34 AM	#11456
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Grandpa always said when one door closes, another one opens... Great man, horrible cabinet maker.

06-28-2021, 05:56 AM	#11457
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

06-28-2021, 12:19 PM	#11458
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 46,997 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	A man walks into a restaurant and says, "How do you prepare your chickens?" The cook replies, "Nothing special. We just tell 'em they're gonna die."

06-29-2021, 12:23 AM	#11460
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 46,997 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	On his way to perform at a graveside service, the bagpiper gets lost. After many wrong turns, he finally arrives, but the minister and mourners have already gone. Only the grave diggers remain, and they're eating lunch. Not knowing what else to do, the bagpiper begins to play. The workers put down their lunches and weep as the man plays "Amazing Grace." When he finishes, he packs up his bagpipes and heads for his car. As he opens the door, he hears one of the workers say, "I've never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years."