Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 762

badgoodDeb · 05-16-2021, 07:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by drjd

Two men walk into a bar. The first guy says he wants some H2O.
The second guy says he wants some H2O too.
The second guy died.

I should say so!

DNSB · 05-16-2021, 09:17 PM

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

drjd · 05-18-2021, 06:16 AM

The father is telling his son stories to help him sleep. The only sound is the murmur of dad's voice.

Two hours pass, and there's silence in the room. The mother creeps to the door and whispers, "Is he asleep, dear?"

"Yes, Mommy," says her son.

cromag · 05-19-2021, 01:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by drjd

The father is telling his son stories to help him sleep. The only sound is the murmur of dad's voice.

Two hours pass, and there's silence in the room. The mother creeps to the door and whispers, "Is he asleep, dear?"

"Yes, Mommy," says her son.

Yep. That happened a lot in our house!

drjd · 05-20-2021, 06:03 AM

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her father asked, "Does this fellow have any money?"

The daughter shook her head sadly...

"Oh Daddy! You men are all alike," sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."

DNSB · 05-20-2021, 12:00 PM

You might be an accountant if:

you deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses".

you have no idea that GAP is also a clothing store.

while watching the movie Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation.

getting to sleep is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long.

your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

you decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline "======".

drjd · 05-21-2021, 05:56 AM

I'm a multi-tasker...
I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

DNSB · 05-21-2021, 12:44 PM

Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did I do on my research paper?

Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the sentences you apparently kidnapped in the dead of night and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place.

You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation.

drjd · 05-23-2021, 06:43 AM

I’m working on a new typeface to be used for church bulletins...

I call it 'Baptismal Font.'

PeterT · 05-23-2021, 08:37 PM

An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
A question mark walks into a bar?
A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
A synonym strolls into a tavern.
At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

badgoodDeb · 05-24-2021, 06:30 PM

Nice collection, PeterT!

PoP · 05-25-2021, 09:51 AM

@PeterT, my prosaic attempt at completing your collection.

Click image for larger version

Name: bar.jpg
Views: 161
Size: 89.1 KB
ID: 187329

DNSB · 05-25-2021, 04:13 PM

Russian Ivan died and came to the gates of heaven. Saint Peter stated: Unfortunately you will go to hell, but you can choose, whether you go to the capitalist or communist hell.

I want to go to the communist hell, Ivan answered without hesitation.

Why on earth? Saint Peter asked.

Well, because I know the system. I know that it is good to be in inferno, when there is no coal. If there is coal, the boiler is being repaired. If the boiler is intact, the boilerman is drunk. And if the boilerman is sober, there is no coal...

drjd · 05-26-2021, 05:57 AM

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

DNSB · 05-26-2021, 01:07 PM

A wife asks her software engineer husband "Hey, could you go to the shop for me and get a litre of milk? And if they have eggs, get six."
The husband returns with six litres of milk. "Why on earth did you buy six litres of milk??" asks the bewildered wife.
"They had eggs."

05-23-2021, 08:37 PM	#11425
PeterT Grand Sorcerer Posts: 13,576 Karma: 79436804 Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Toronto Device: Libra H2O, Libra Colour	An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars. A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly. A bar was walked into by the passive voice. An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening. Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.” A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite. Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything. A question mark walks into a bar? A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly. Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type." A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud. A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves. Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart. A synonym strolls into a tavern. At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack. A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment. Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor. A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered. An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel. The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known. A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph. The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense. A dyslexic walks into a bra. A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines. A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert. A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget. A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

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05-16-2021, 09:17 PM	#11417
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 46,978 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

05-18-2021, 06:16 AM	#11418
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	The father is telling his son stories to help him sleep. The only sound is the murmur of dad's voice. Two hours pass, and there's silence in the room. The mother creeps to the door and whispers, "Is he asleep, dear?" "Yes, Mommy," says her son.

05-20-2021, 06:03 AM	#11420
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her father asked, "Does this fellow have any money?" The daughter shook her head sadly... "Oh Daddy! You men are all alike," sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."

05-20-2021, 12:00 PM	#11421
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 46,978 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	You might be an accountant if: you deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses". you have no idea that GAP is also a clothing store. while watching the movie Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation. getting to sleep is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long. your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card. you decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline "======".

05-21-2021, 05:56 AM	#11422
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	I'm a multi-tasker... I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

05-21-2021, 12:44 PM	#11423
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 46,978 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did I do on my research paper? Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the sentences you apparently kidnapped in the dead of night and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation.

05-23-2021, 06:43 AM	#11424
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	I’m working on a new typeface to be used for church bulletins... I call it 'Baptismal Font.'

05-24-2021, 06:30 PM	#11426
badgoodDeb Grand Sorcerer Posts: 8,555 Karma: 64462893 Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Harrisburg outskirts Device: Palms, K1-4s, iPads, iPhones, KV, KO1	Nice collection, PeterT!

05-25-2021, 09:51 AM	#11427
PoP curly᷂͓̫̙᷊̥̮̾ͯͤͭͬͦͨ ʎʌɹnɔ Posts: 3,018 Karma: 50506927 Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: ♁ ᴺ₄₅°₃₀' ᵂ₇₃°₃₇' ±₆₀" Device: K3₃.₄.₃ PW3&4₅.₁₃.₃	@PeterT, my prosaic attempt at completing your collection.

05-25-2021, 04:13 PM	#11428
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 46,978 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	Russian Ivan died and came to the gates of heaven. Saint Peter stated: Unfortunately you will go to hell, but you can choose, whether you go to the capitalist or communist hell. I want to go to the communist hell, Ivan answered without hesitation. Why on earth? Saint Peter asked. Well, because I know the system. I know that it is good to be in inferno, when there is no coal. If there is coal, the boiler is being repaired. If the boiler is intact, the boilerman is drunk. And if the boilerman is sober, there is no coal...

05-26-2021, 05:57 AM	#11429
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

05-26-2021, 01:07 PM	#11430
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 46,978 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	A wife asks her software engineer husband "Hey, could you go to the shop for me and get a litre of milk? And if they have eggs, get six." The husband returns with six litres of milk. "Why on earth did you buy six litres of milk??" asks the bewildered wife. "They had eggs."