User Poetry - Page 76

kennyc · 10-28-2011, 06:53 AM

Thanks for the inspiration guys. Here's one from me - hot off the presses.

Lives

My mortal face
I see in the mirror
contemplating me

Mirror lives it seems
are cleaner behind
unbroken glass

Might-have-beens
and alternate endings
there at the edge of the light

Kenny A. Chaffin – 6/28/2011

GeoffC · 10-28-2011, 06:54 AM

Good One Kenny ... !

kennyc · 10-28-2011, 07:21 AM

Thanks Geoff!

Graham Coulson · 10-28-2011, 08:57 AM

I like it Kenny -- deep and introspective.

Thanks for posting; we'll breathe new vigour into this baby yet !!

kennyc · 10-28-2011, 09:29 AM

Thanks Graham.

GeoffC · 10-28-2011, 10:47 AM

new vigour

kennyc · 10-28-2011, 10:53 AM

maybe vinegar?

GeoffC · 10-28-2011, 10:55 AM

an acid comment from you Kenny !

GeoffC · 10-31-2011, 07:26 AM

Rebellion

Part I

The Rising

the boys - their fathers, Lairds - their men,
they came from glens across the land
they left behind their lands, their farms,
their kine, their bairns, their wives, to join
their Prince; he sailed from distant lands,
a stranger - he - unknown to most,
in summer came, to western shores,
his grandpa’s crown he sought, and brought
such hope to highland clans they flocked
to him and marched in hope that he
would guide them on, to victory;
he came with pledge of arms, of gold,
of men to swell the ranks; of plans
so bold they thought it could ring true;
the Chiefs recalled the olden days
when Stuarts tried before, and failed;
they gathered round, to hear his plea,
he asked they join with him to win
a crown by rights was his alone;
the Prince cajoled and won them round;
a banner raised of red and white,
their symbol blessed, a cause they hoped
was true by word of God and Right
of Kings to rule the Chiefs of Clans.

as summer aged they marched and claimed
the land for him, (or most of it);
they crowned him regent for his pa,
whilst aid and arms and gold arrived
from France as pledged; to east and south
they marched and sought and fought and won
against the flow, they beat the reds
who could not cope and broke their line
against the highland charge of clans
who fought to boost their rights to own
their land; they sallied forth beyond
the wall the Romans' built to keep
the ancient tribes at bay; he thought
his grandpa’s crown was his by Right
of Kings Divine; beyond the wall
they fought and won against the odds;
and marched on South; until the lords
lost hope; the place they reached was close
to London town where panic thrived
in face of hordes of men, they thought.

kennyc · 10-31-2011, 07:56 AM

Goeff I love this!!

I do have a couple of suggestions. Two words stopped me in my tracks as I read.

"grandpa" and "pa"

now maybe it's just me, but those two words don't seem to fit with the tone/style/wording of the poem to me. Perhaps "forefathers" and "father" ??

In any case, this poem tells a tale and spins a mood! Very well done!

GeoffC · 10-31-2011, 08:20 AM

Problem, Kenny, is that using forefathers and father changes the metre ...

kennyc · 10-31-2011, 08:32 AM

Well, yeah, I never notice/pay attention to that myself.

which is also why I never write "form" poetry....

GeoffC · 10-31-2011, 09:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

Well, yeah, I never notice/pay attention to that myself.

which is also why I never write "form" poetry....

Do you want part II ?

kennyc · 10-31-2011, 10:35 AM

Love to see it! As I said I really like it....

I'll try to ignore the pa's and grandpa's

GeoffC · 10-31-2011, 10:59 AM

Rebellion

Part II

The Turning

support I have, said he, we wait
until they rally round, my friends
will come, I have no doubt they will;

but no more came to aid his cause
his friends, they failed to come, they let
him down, deserted him in hour of need;

he was advised, against his will,
no further men nor gold nor arms
had come; he had to turn and 'scape
back home, they said; the reds were on
the march, these men from fights across
the sea were hard and led by men
with zeal who yearned to take them on;
a Prince was one, they called a Duke.

no more did come, the promised aid,
support of men and gold and arms,
in pain he had to lead his men
back home; but still they fought and won
though black their mood as winter came
and some did flee as if they knew
the end was nigh, the chase was on,
for battle hardened reds were in
pursuit of them and woe betide
the stragglers lagging on behind,
who melted as they could, away.

10-28-2011, 08:57 AM	#1129
Graham Coulson Magic mushroom tester Posts: 91 Karma: 1794762 Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Burgundy, France Device: iPad 2	Your "Mirror" poem I like it Kenny -- deep and introspective. Thanks for posting; we'll breathe new vigour into this baby yet !!

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10-28-2011, 06:53 AM	#1126
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,903 Karma: 119230421 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	Thanks for the inspiration guys. Here's one from me - hot off the presses. Lives My mortal face I see in the mirror contemplating me Mirror lives it seems are cleaner behind unbroken glass Might-have-beens and alternate endings there at the edge of the light Kenny A. Chaffin – 6/28/2011

10-28-2011, 06:54 AM	#1127
GeoffC Chocolate Grasshopper ... Posts: 27,599 Karma: 20821184 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Scotland Device: Muse HD , Cybook Gen3 , Pocketbook 302 (Black) , Nexus 10: wife has PW	Good One Kenny ... !

10-28-2011, 07:21 AM	#1128
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,903 Karma: 119230421 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	Thanks Geoff!

10-28-2011, 09:29 AM	#1130
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,903 Karma: 119230421 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	Thanks Graham.

10-28-2011, 10:47 AM	#1131
GeoffC Chocolate Grasshopper ... Posts: 27,599 Karma: 20821184 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Scotland Device: Muse HD , Cybook Gen3 , Pocketbook 302 (Black) , Nexus 10: wife has PW	new vigour

10-28-2011, 10:53 AM	#1132
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,903 Karma: 119230421 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	maybe vinegar?

10-28-2011, 10:55 AM	#1133
GeoffC Chocolate Grasshopper ... Posts: 27,599 Karma: 20821184 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Scotland Device: Muse HD , Cybook Gen3 , Pocketbook 302 (Black) , Nexus 10: wife has PW	an acid comment from you Kenny !

10-31-2011, 07:26 AM	#1134
GeoffC Chocolate Grasshopper ... Posts: 27,599 Karma: 20821184 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Scotland Device: Muse HD , Cybook Gen3 , Pocketbook 302 (Black) , Nexus 10: wife has PW	Rebellion Part I The Rising the boys - their fathers, Lairds - their men, they came from glens across the land they left behind their lands, their farms, their kine, their bairns, their wives, to join their Prince; he sailed from distant lands, a stranger - he - unknown to most, in summer came, to western shores, his grandpa’s crown he sought, and brought such hope to highland clans they flocked to him and marched in hope that he would guide them on, to victory; he came with pledge of arms, of gold, of men to swell the ranks; of plans so bold they thought it could ring true; the Chiefs recalled the olden days when Stuarts tried before, and failed; they gathered round, to hear his plea, he asked they join with him to win a crown by rights was his alone; the Prince cajoled and won them round; a banner raised of red and white, their symbol blessed, a cause they hoped was true by word of God and Right of Kings to rule the Chiefs of Clans. as summer aged they marched and claimed the land for him, (or most of it); they crowned him regent for his pa, whilst aid and arms and gold arrived from France as pledged; to east and south they marched and sought and fought and won against the flow, they beat the reds who could not cope and broke their line against the highland charge of clans who fought to boost their rights to own their land; they sallied forth beyond the wall the Romans' built to keep the ancient tribes at bay; he thought his grandpa’s crown was his by Right of Kings Divine; beyond the wall they fought and won against the odds; and marched on South; until the lords lost hope; the place they reached was close to London town where panic thrived in face of hordes of men, they thought.

10-31-2011, 07:56 AM	#1135
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,903 Karma: 119230421 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	Goeff I love this!! I do have a couple of suggestions. Two words stopped me in my tracks as I read. "grandpa" and "pa" now maybe it's just me, but those two words don't seem to fit with the tone/style/wording of the poem to me. Perhaps "forefathers" and "father" ?? In any case, this poem tells a tale and spins a mood! Very well done!

10-31-2011, 08:20 AM	#1136
GeoffC Chocolate Grasshopper ... Posts: 27,599 Karma: 20821184 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Scotland Device: Muse HD , Cybook Gen3 , Pocketbook 302 (Black) , Nexus 10: wife has PW	Problem, Kenny, is that using forefathers and father changes the metre ...

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10-31-2011, 08:32 AM	#1137
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,903 Karma: 119230421 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	Well, yeah, I never notice/pay attention to that myself. which is also why I never write "form" poetry....

10-31-2011, 10:35 AM	#1139
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,903 Karma: 119230421 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	Love to see it! As I said I really like it.... I'll try to ignore the pa's and grandpa's

10-31-2011, 10:59 AM	#1140
GeoffC Chocolate Grasshopper ... Posts: 27,599 Karma: 20821184 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Scotland Device: Muse HD , Cybook Gen3 , Pocketbook 302 (Black) , Nexus 10: wife has PW	Rebellion Part II The Turning support I have, said he, we wait until they rally round, my friends will come, I have no doubt they will; but no more came to aid his cause his friends, they failed to come, they let him down, deserted him in hour of need; he was advised, against his will, no further men nor gold nor arms had come; he had to turn and 'scape back home, they said; the reds were on the march, these men from fights across the sea were hard and led by men with zeal who yearned to take them on; a Prince was one, they called a Duke. no more did come, the promised aid, support of men and gold and arms, in pain he had to lead his men back home; but still they fought and won though black their mood as winter came and some did flee as if they knew the end was nigh, the chase was on, for battle hardened reds were in pursuit of them and woe betide the stragglers lagging on behind, who melted as they could, away.