Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[drjd]

Prison is just one word to you...
But for some people, it's a whole sentence.

[guanaco]

- Mom, the stove has teeth?
- Of course not.
- Then grandma set herself on fire.

[drjd]

A new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone.

When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving. This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed.

"In that case," she said, "please add Until We Meet Again."

[guanaco]

During the Prohibition era a person arrives to the house of a moonshiner

- Please give a gallon of liquor
- Do you bring a container?
- You are talking to it

[DNSB]

A man is holding his wife's hand as she lays on her death bed.

"Jerry, I, . . ., I have something to tell you before I pass on."

"No, no, dear. Everything is forgiven now. All is well."

"No, Jerry. I've been carrying this load for years now, and I must tell you. I, ..., I've been unfaithful to you. I slept with your best friend, Phil. I'm so terribly sorry."

"Yes, dear, I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

[guanaco]

At the Shaolin monastery:

- Master Po, what is the secret to get along with everyone?
- Listen grasshopper, the secret is never to argue with an idiot
- I don't think it's just that
- You're right grasshopper

[DNSB]

A Toyota mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a FJ Cruiser when he spotted a well-known cardiac surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiac surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work.”

The cardiac surgeon paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....

“Try doing it with the engine running."

[guanaco]

An old joke from college.

Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are in a car driving fast in the autobahn. They get pulled over by the police. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him:

- "Do you know how fast you were going?"
- "No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says:

- "You were doing 100 km/h in a 70 km/h zone."

Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts:

- "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says:

- "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
- "We do now, <beep>!" shouts Schrödinger.

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

[drjd]

A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.

To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people and goes down the line, asking each person to smile.

Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no.
"Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no.
"Twice a week?"
"No."
"Twice a month?"
"No."
The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year."

The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What are you so happy about?"

The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"

[DNSB]

Since we seem to be into oldies...

A mechanic is working late one night when a man walks into his shop.
Man: “Can you help me? I think I’m a moth.”
Mechanic: “I’m a mechanic. You need a psychiatrist.”
Man: “Yeah, I know.”
Mechanic: “Well, why did you come here then?”
Man: “Your light was on.”

[drjd]

Trying to control her frizzy and dry hair, Kay treated her scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor than that her hair obviously needed it, she washed her hair several times with strong soap.

That night when Kay went to bed, she leaned over to her husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

"Why ?" he asked, pulling back. "Do I smell like Popeye?"

[drjd]

A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm in the Hawaiian Islands.

He sent an e-mail to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions.

The reply came back shortly: "Begin vacation as of yesterday."

[DNSB]

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.

“What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.

“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

[guanaco]

At the grocery aisle:
Me: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
Clerk: Of course not. Why do you ask?
Carrot: Yeah, why do you ask?


Introducing my girlfriend to my family:
Me: This is Jenny, my girlfriend.
Jenny: Hi.
My wife: WTF?

[drjd]

What's round and bad tempered? A vicious circle.