Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 753

DNSB · 01-22-2021, 12:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by drjd

People are usually shocked when they find out I am not a good electrician.

Was your cousin the optician who fell into the lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of herself?

drjd · 01-23-2021, 04:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DNSB

Was your cousin the optician who fell into the lens grinding machine and made a spectacle of herself?

She was just trying to help a musician to C-sharp!

drjd · 01-23-2021, 04:47 AM

A famous visitor to an asylum tries to make a phone call, but it doesn't go through. After trying to get help from the operator, without luck, the exasperated visitor shouts, "Listen, do you know who I am?!"

Calmly, the operator answers, "No, but I know WHERE you are."

drjd · 01-24-2021, 05:41 AM

Mother: Now, Little Johnny, eat your spinach. It’s good for growing children.

Little Johnny: Who wants to grow children?

Adoby · 01-25-2021, 02:22 PM

I like travelling abroad on holiday.

But I don't like that there are so many foreigners there.

(Inspired by a post in the UK and EU Trade Deal thread)

Elektron · 01-25-2021, 10:14 PM

DNSB · 01-26-2021, 03:06 PM

Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

drjd · 01-27-2021, 04:49 AM

One day, two guys Frank and Bob were out fishing.

A funeral service passes over the bridge they’re fishing by, and Bob takes off his hat and puts it over his heart. He does this until the funeral service passes by.

Frank then said, “Gee Bob, I didn’t know you had it in you!”

Bob then replies, “It’s the least I could do. After all, I was married to her for 30 years.”

DNSB · 01-27-2021, 05:00 PM

Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.

drjd · 01-28-2021, 05:39 AM

Chuck Norris can make a fire with two ice cubes!

drjd · 01-30-2021, 04:25 AM

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

DNSB · 01-30-2021, 03:38 PM

A traveller passes a field and sees a pig with 3 legs. Intrigued, he pulls up to the farm house and asks the farmer, "What's up with that 3-legged pig?"

The farmer gets all misty-eyed and says, "Let me tell you 'bout that pig. A few years ago, we were all asleep when a fire broke out in the house. That pig jumped out of the pen, broke down the front door and woke the family up. He even dragged old Nan to safety, on account a she can't walk on her own anymore.'

The traveller is amazed. "And he lost his leg helping in the fire?"

"What? No," the farmer responds, "but a few months later, we were out feeding the cows and a big grizzly bear charged in. That brave pig came charging out and fought off the beast until we could all get to safety!"

"Oh, so the bear got it's leg?"

"No, no, miraculously he came out of it completely unscathed! And then just last May, I was working under my tractor when the jack stand started to fail. And wouldn't you know it, that pig pulled me to safety right as the rig came crashing down where I had been laying!"

"And the pig's leg got caught under the tractor?"

"Nope! He was too fast!"

"Well, then how'd he lose his leg?!" The traveller cried.

Spoiler:

drjd · 01-31-2021, 04:36 AM

drjd · 01-31-2021, 04:36 AM

"Don't swallow these pills," the doctor said, handing the overweight patient a bottle of pills. "Instead, spill them on the floor three times a day and pick them up one by one."

DNSB · 01-31-2021, 01:59 PM

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "I sent you two boats! What more could you want?"

01-30-2021, 03:38 PM	#11292
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 47,009 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	A traveller passes a field and sees a pig with 3 legs. Intrigued, he pulls up to the farm house and asks the farmer, "What's up with that 3-legged pig?" The farmer gets all misty-eyed and says, "Let me tell you 'bout that pig. A few years ago, we were all asleep when a fire broke out in the house. That pig jumped out of the pen, broke down the front door and woke the family up. He even dragged old Nan to safety, on account a she can't walk on her own anymore.' The traveller is amazed. "And he lost his leg helping in the fire?" "What? No," the farmer responds, "but a few months later, we were out feeding the cows and a big grizzly bear charged in. That brave pig came charging out and fought off the beast until we could all get to safety!" "Oh, so the bear got it's leg?" "No, no, miraculously he came out of it completely unscathed! And then just last May, I was working under my tractor when the jack stand started to fail. And wouldn't you know it, that pig pulled me to safety right as the rig came crashing down where I had been laying!" "And the pig's leg got caught under the tractor?" "Nope! He was too fast!" "Well, then how'd he lose his leg?!" The traveller cried. Spoiler: "Son," the farmer said, "a pig that good you don't eat all at once!"

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01-23-2021, 04:47 AM	#11283
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A famous visitor to an asylum tries to make a phone call, but it doesn't go through. After trying to get help from the operator, without luck, the exasperated visitor shouts, "Listen, do you know who I am?!" Calmly, the operator answers, "No, but I know WHERE you are."

01-24-2021, 05:41 AM	#11284
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Mother: Now, Little Johnny, eat your spinach. It’s good for growing children. Little Johnny: Who wants to grow children?

01-25-2021, 02:22 PM	#11285
Adoby Handy Elephant Posts: 1,737 Karma: 26785684 Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Southern Sweden, far out in the quiet woods Device: Samsung Galaxy Tab S8 Ultra	I like travelling abroad on holiday. But I don't like that there are so many foreigners there. (Inspired by a post in the UK and EU Trade Deal thread)

01-25-2021, 10:14 PM	#11286
Elektron Banned Posts: 2,296 Karma: 5300240 Join Date: Jun 2020 Location: Edmonton, AB Device: Kobo Aura H2O Edition 2 (mark 7), Kobo Mini

01-26-2021, 03:06 PM	#11287
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 47,009 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

01-27-2021, 04:49 AM	#11288
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	One day, two guys Frank and Bob were out fishing. A funeral service passes over the bridge they’re fishing by, and Bob takes off his hat and puts it over his heart. He does this until the funeral service passes by. Frank then said, “Gee Bob, I didn’t know you had it in you!” Bob then replies, “It’s the least I could do. After all, I was married to her for 30 years.”

01-27-2021, 05:00 PM	#11289
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 47,009 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.

01-28-2021, 05:39 AM	#11290
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Chuck Norris can make a fire with two ice cubes!

01-30-2021, 04:25 AM	#11291
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

01-31-2021, 04:36 AM	#11293
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta

01-31-2021, 04:36 AM	#11294
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	"Don't swallow these pills," the doctor said, handing the overweight patient a bottle of pills. "Instead, spill them on the floor three times a day and pick them up one by one."

01-31-2021, 01:59 PM	#11295
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 47,009 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "I sent you two boats! What more could you want?"