Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 751

drjd · 12-31-2020, 04:58 AM

Mother: "When I was your age, my mother used to hide money around the house for me that I would find only if I performed my chores particularly well. One time when I was cleaning out the cupboards for her, I found $20 under the old shelf paper."

Daughter: "Wow! What a cool idea! Why didn't you ever do that with me?"

Mother: "But my dear... I have been."

DNSB · 12-31-2020, 08:43 PM

I'm going to stay up late this New Year's Eve—not to ring in the New Year, but to make sure this one leaves.

drjd · 01-01-2021, 05:00 AM

I live an outstandingly happy and successful marriage.

It's simple. Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on.

I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on.

drjd · 01-02-2021, 05:51 AM

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”

The husband said, “In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.”

The wife said, “No, Seven weeks.”

drjd · 01-03-2021, 04:41 AM

WOMEN
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.

Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.

Sirtel · 01-04-2021, 01:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by drjd

MEN

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.

Why would one want to kill spiders?

binaryhermit · 01-04-2021, 01:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sirtel

Why would one want to kill spiders?

"OK Google, what is archnophobia?"

Sirtel · 01-04-2021, 01:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by binaryhermit

"OK Google, what is archnophobia?"

You don't have to kill them. You can easily catch them without touching them (I've used a sieve for this purpose) and carry them out of your house.

drjd · 01-05-2021, 05:59 AM

The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.

"I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the drinking."

"Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?"

DNSB · 01-05-2021, 12:35 PM

If 2020 was a person, I'd sue them for pain and suffering and lost wages

drjd · 01-06-2021, 04:06 AM

"Last Sunday I found a wallet packed with money down by the church."
"Did you give it back?"
"Not yet. I'm still trying to decide if it's a temptation from the devil or the answer to a prayer."

DNSB · 01-07-2021, 03:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by drjd

"Last Sunday I found a wallet packed with money down by the church."
"Did you give it back?"
"Not yet. I'm still trying to decide if it's a temptation from the devil or the answer to a prayer."

On a serious note, I would find a spot to drop the wallet after making sure my fingerprints were carefully removed. I still have memories of finding a wallet in the stacks at the university library. I turned it in to the staff who took my name and where I found the wallet. Two days later, the university RCMP paid me a call since the owner of the wallet claimed he had ~$500 Cdn in the wallet when he lost it. Since the time between his losing it and my turning it in was about 45 minutes, I was considered a suspect. I suggested to the two police officers that if I had stolen the wallet and taken the cash, I would have dropped the wallet into the nearest trash bin instead of turning it in and giving my name.

It wasn't so much the suggestion that I was a thief, it was the suggestion that I was a stupid thief that hurt more.

drjd · 01-08-2021, 05:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DNSB

On a serious note, I would find a spot to drop the wallet after making sure my fingerprints were carefully removed. I still have memories of finding a wallet in the stacks at the university library. I turned it in to the staff who took my name and where I found the wallet. Two days later, the university RCMP paid me a call since the owner of the wallet claimed he had ~$500 Cdn in the wallet when he lost it. Since the time between his losing it and my turning it in was about 45 minutes, I was considered a suspect. I suggested to the two police officers that if I had stolen the wallet and taken the cash, I would have dropped the wallet into the nearest trash bin instead of turning it in and giving my name.

It wasn't so much the suggestion that I was a thief, it was the suggestion that I was a stupid thief that hurt more.

True dat!

drjd · 01-08-2021, 05:07 AM

Doctor: "Have you been drinking fluids?"

Patient: "Jeez, Doc, that's literally all I drink."

DNSB · 01-08-2021, 01:24 PM

Patient: Doctor will I be able to play piano after the procedure?

Doctor: Yes, I don't see why not.

Patient: That's wonderful! I could never play piano before!

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12-31-2020, 04:58 AM	#11251
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Mother: "When I was your age, my mother used to hide money around the house for me that I would find only if I performed my chores particularly well. One time when I was cleaning out the cupboards for her, I found $20 under the old shelf paper." Daughter: "Wow! What a cool idea! Why didn't you ever do that with me?" Mother: "But my dear... I have been."

12-31-2020, 08:43 PM	#11252
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 47,053 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	I'm going to stay up late this New Year's Eve—not to ring in the New Year, but to make sure this one leaves.

01-01-2021, 05:00 AM	#11253
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	I live an outstandingly happy and successful marriage. It's simple. Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on. I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on.

01-02-2021, 05:51 AM	#11254
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up. The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?” The husband said, “In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.” The wife said, “No, Seven weeks.”

01-03-2021, 04:41 AM	#11255
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	WOMEN Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with. MEN Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.

01-05-2021, 05:59 AM	#11259
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum. "I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the drinking." "Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?"

01-05-2021, 12:35 PM	#11260
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 47,053 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	If 2020 was a person, I'd sue them for pain and suffering and lost wages

01-06-2021, 04:06 AM	#11261
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	"Last Sunday I found a wallet packed with money down by the church." "Did you give it back?" "Not yet. I'm still trying to decide if it's a temptation from the devil or the answer to a prayer."

01-08-2021, 05:07 AM	#11264
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Doctor: "Have you been drinking fluids?" Patient: "Jeez, Doc, that's literally all I drink."

01-08-2021, 01:24 PM	#11265
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 47,053 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	Patient: Doctor will I be able to play piano after the procedure? Doctor: Yes, I don't see why not. Patient: That's wonderful! I could never play piano before!