Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 750

DNSB · 12-15-2020, 12:40 PM

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem - the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick.

Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship struck a rock and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

drjd · 12-16-2020, 04:39 AM

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said

"Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that".

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

DNSB · 12-18-2020, 12:24 PM

A font walked into the bar. The bartender says "Hey, we don't serve your type here" and called the Serif.

Freeshadow · 12-20-2020, 12:21 PM

Two cats meeting. - "How's the going?" the first asks.
"I'm practicing fetching tricks now." - says the second.
"How utterly distastefully doggish!."
"Ah, dunno - It's funny in a sort of way." - says the first.
"Fine. Got me curious now. Explain." - the 2nd demands.
"See, every time I do that - the 1st cat demonstrates - my can opener runs to fetch his smartphone."

drjd · 12-24-2020, 05:35 AM

One spelling mistake can destroy your life!
I wrote a message to my wife on my camping trip and mistyped a word...

"I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her..."

fabricalado · 12-25-2020, 03:07 PM

Here's a good cliffhanger joke:

drjd · 12-26-2020, 05:07 AM

Q: Why is the government like ancient Bethlehem?

A: It takes a miracle to find three wise men there.

drjd · 12-27-2020, 03:58 AM

The Chinese translation of a word is its sinonym.

drjd · 12-28-2020, 07:08 AM

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

DNSB · 12-28-2020, 04:33 PM

So Jesus and Moses go to play golf...

...and its the very first tee. Jesus says to Moses, "Hey, I think I can make this first shot in one, right over the lake."

"Only Tiger Woods could make that shot." says Moses. So Jesus tries anyway, and his golf ball lands him right in the lake. So Moses parts the water, gives Jesus back his ball, and Jesus tries again.

"I can really do it this time" says Jesus, at which point Moses rolls his eyes..."only Tiger Woods has made that shot. Jesus, I'm not parting the water for you again."

Jesus goes for it, and this time, the golf ball indeed lands straight in the lake. Jesus rolls his eyes, and just decides to walk on the water to retrieve his golf ball.

As he is gliding over the water, some golfers come over the hill and shout "Hey! Look at that guy walking on water! Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ???"

"No," says Moses, "he thinks he's Tiger Woods."

drjd · 12-29-2020, 05:20 AM

At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child.

"Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.'

"But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'?"

One of the women spoke up right away, "Does she cook?"

Bookpossum · 12-29-2020, 04:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by drjd

At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child.

"Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.'

"But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'?"

One of the women spoke up right away, "Does she cook?"

DNSB · 12-29-2020, 10:23 PM

The little-known rare earth element nauseum (atomic weight 172) has the interesting property of being completely insoluble in everything but 12-year-old bourbon.

This curious fact was discovered in the laboratory of Professor Ludwig von Schlimazel, the eminent German chemist whose invention of the bathtub ring won him the Nobel Prize. Having unsuccessfully tried to dissolve nauseum in 7642 different solvents over a 10-year period, Schlimazel finally came to the 30 mL of Old Aardvark Bottled-in-Bond that was the only remaining liquid in his laboratory.

Always willing to suffer personal loss in the name of science, Schlimazel calculated the amount of nauseum needed to make up a 0.03 molar solution, put the Aardvark bottle on the desk of his faithful technician Edgar P. Settera, weighed out the calculated amount of nauseum and put it next to the bottle, and then wrote the message that has become part of history:

“Ed Settera. Add nauseum!”

drjd · 12-30-2020, 05:04 AM

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

DNSB · 12-30-2020, 01:04 PM

Marcy is taking Sherry to a new restaurant they haven't tried before.

Sherry: So why did you want to take me here?

Marcy: I wanted you to try something new. You said you’re bored of all the food you normally eat.

Sherry: Okay. What’s good here?

Marcy: I already ordered you the live octopus.

Sherry: Sorry. I thought I heard you say live octopus. What did you really say?

Marcy: I did say live octopus. You told me you were open to eating anything. Look, here it is. Come on. Try it! Or were you exaggerating when you said you’d eat anything?

Sherry: Um, no. No, I wasn’t exaggerating. I can do it. Easy. Just give me a minute. Okay. Okay. Here I go. One for the money…two for the show…three to get ready…and four to go!

(Sherry picks up the octopus, puts it near her mouth, then puts it back down.)

Sherry: Nope! Sorry. I can’t do it. I was exaggerating. Get me some salt water. I’m going to keep this little guy as a pet.

12-20-2020, 12:21 PM	#11239
Freeshadow temp. out of service Posts: 2,815 Karma: 24285242 Join Date: May 2010 Location: Duisburg (DE) Device: PB 623	It's a NEW one so please share actively. Two cats meeting. - "How's the going?" the first asks. "I'm practicing fetching tricks now." - says the second. "How utterly distastefully doggish!." "Ah, dunno - It's funny in a sort of way." - says the first. "Fine. Got me curious now. Explain." - the 2nd demands. "See, every time I do that - the 1st cat demonstrates - my can opener runs to fetch his smartphone."

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12-15-2020, 12:40 PM	#11236
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 47,022 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem - the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship struck a rock and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

12-16-2020, 04:39 AM	#11237
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that". Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

12-18-2020, 12:24 PM	#11238
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 47,022 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	A font walked into the bar. The bartender says "Hey, we don't serve your type here" and called the Serif.

12-24-2020, 05:35 AM	#11240
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	One spelling mistake can destroy your life! I wrote a message to my wife on my camping trip and mistyped a word... "I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her..."

12-25-2020, 03:07 PM	#11241
fabricalado Connoisseur Posts: 54 Karma: 11535964 Join Date: Oct 2016 Device: Kindle Paperwhite, iRiver Story, Kobo Forma, Pocketbook Inkpad X	Here's a good cliffhanger joke:

12-26-2020, 05:07 AM	#11242
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Q: Why is the government like ancient Bethlehem? A: It takes a miracle to find three wise men there.

12-27-2020, 03:58 AM	#11243
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	The Chinese translation of a word is its sinonym.

12-28-2020, 07:08 AM	#11244
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

12-28-2020, 04:33 PM	#11245
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 47,022 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	So Jesus and Moses go to play golf... ...and its the very first tee. Jesus says to Moses, "Hey, I think I can make this first shot in one, right over the lake." "Only Tiger Woods could make that shot." says Moses. So Jesus tries anyway, and his golf ball lands him right in the lake. So Moses parts the water, gives Jesus back his ball, and Jesus tries again. "I can really do it this time" says Jesus, at which point Moses rolls his eyes..."only Tiger Woods has made that shot. Jesus, I'm not parting the water for you again." Jesus goes for it, and this time, the golf ball indeed lands straight in the lake. Jesus rolls his eyes, and just decides to walk on the water to retrieve his golf ball. As he is gliding over the water, some golfers come over the hill and shout "Hey! Look at that guy walking on water! Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ???" "No," says Moses, "he thinks he's Tiger Woods."

12-29-2020, 05:20 AM	#11246
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child. "Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.' "But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'?" One of the women spoke up right away, "Does she cook?"

12-29-2020, 10:23 PM	#11248
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 47,022 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	The little-known rare earth element nauseum (atomic weight 172) has the interesting property of being completely insoluble in everything but 12-year-old bourbon. This curious fact was discovered in the laboratory of Professor Ludwig von Schlimazel, the eminent German chemist whose invention of the bathtub ring won him the Nobel Prize. Having unsuccessfully tried to dissolve nauseum in 7642 different solvents over a 10-year period, Schlimazel finally came to the 30 mL of Old Aardvark Bottled-in-Bond that was the only remaining liquid in his laboratory. Always willing to suffer personal loss in the name of science, Schlimazel calculated the amount of nauseum needed to make up a 0.03 molar solution, put the Aardvark bottle on the desk of his faithful technician Edgar P. Settera, weighed out the calculated amount of nauseum and put it next to the bottle, and then wrote the message that has become part of history: “Ed Settera. Add nauseum!”

12-30-2020, 05:04 AM	#11249
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

12-30-2020, 01:04 PM	#11250
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 47,022 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	Marcy is taking Sherry to a new restaurant they haven't tried before. Sherry: So why did you want to take me here? Marcy: I wanted you to try something new. You said you’re bored of all the food you normally eat. Sherry: Okay. What’s good here? Marcy: I already ordered you the live octopus. Sherry: Sorry. I thought I heard you say live octopus. What did you really say? Marcy: I did say live octopus. You told me you were open to eating anything. Look, here it is. Come on. Try it! Or were you exaggerating when you said you’d eat anything? Sherry: Um, no. No, I wasn’t exaggerating. I can do it. Easy. Just give me a minute. Okay. Okay. Here I go. One for the money…two for the show…three to get ready…and four to go! (Sherry picks up the octopus, puts it near her mouth, then puts it back down.) Sherry: Nope! Sorry. I can’t do it. I was exaggerating. Get me some salt water. I’m going to keep this little guy as a pet.