Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 747

drjd · 11-15-2020, 10:06 AM

An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.

Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, "All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!"

With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side.

From the ground again, he called out, "All right, just half of you angels this time!"

badgoodDeb · 11-15-2020, 01:37 PM

Good one!

drjd · 11-16-2020, 12:29 PM

A group of American tourists were on a guided tour through an ancient castle in Europe.

"Ladies and gentlemen," the guide said, "this castle is over 700 years old. Nothing has been altered or touched in all those years."

"Sounds like they have the same cheap landlord I have!" exclaimed one of the tourists.

drjd · 11-17-2020, 04:53 AM

December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas.
Some insist on a shirt.
Others insist on a pair of socks.
The argument always ends in a tie.

drjd · 11-18-2020, 06:11 AM

It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
She'll be happy to know I got the hint.
I got her a magazine rack!

drjd · 11-20-2020, 04:57 AM

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.

In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married."

The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!"

The woman says, "GOOD .... go get your own darn blanket!!!"

drjd · 11-21-2020, 05:29 AM

A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dogs IQ.
Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

drjd · 11-22-2020, 04:42 AM

Long ago, one day our physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the idiots out of medical school," replied the professor.

drjd · 11-23-2020, 04:44 AM

My wife won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly bear on each bicep...
She is infringing on my right to bear arms!

drjd · 11-24-2020, 05:01 AM

A mother was worried that her three-year-old son was unusually precocious, and took him to a psychiatrist.

"Right," said the shrink, "We'll just try a few simple tests."

To the boy, he said, "Say a few words - anything that comes into your mind."

The boy turned to his mother and asked, "Does he want logically constructed sentences or just a few random and purely isolated words?"

DNSB · 11-25-2020, 02:42 PM

A guy is out for a walk when he passes a house with a sign that reads “Talking German Shepherd for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

drjd · 11-26-2020, 05:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DNSB

A guy is out for a walk when he passes a house with a sign that reads “Talking German Shepherd for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

drjd · 11-26-2020, 05:09 AM

Why did the farmer run a steamroller over his potato field on Thanksgiving Day?

He wanted to raise mashed potatoes.

drjd · 11-27-2020, 05:35 AM

It was enough to startle the little old lady out of her roots. There was the fish market person tossing trout clear across his shop to a man in fisherman uniform.

The fishermen caught six fish and then said: "All right Joe. Now I can truthfully tell my wife I caught six fish today."

drjd · 11-28-2020, 05:10 AM

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."

I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

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11-15-2020, 10:06 AM	#11191
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground. Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, "All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!" With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side. From the ground again, he called out, "All right, just half of you angels this time!"

11-15-2020, 01:37 PM	#11192
badgoodDeb Grand Sorcerer Posts: 8,555 Karma: 64462893 Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Harrisburg outskirts Device: Palms, K1-4s, iPads, iPhones, KV, KO1	Good one!

11-16-2020, 12:29 PM	#11193
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A group of American tourists were on a guided tour through an ancient castle in Europe. "Ladies and gentlemen," the guide said, "this castle is over 700 years old. Nothing has been altered or touched in all those years." "Sounds like they have the same cheap landlord I have!" exclaimed one of the tourists.

11-17-2020, 04:53 AM	#11194
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt. Others insist on a pair of socks. The argument always ends in a tie.

11-18-2020, 06:11 AM	#11195
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house. She'll be happy to know I got the hint. I got her a magazine rack!

11-20-2020, 04:57 AM	#11196
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married." The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!" The woman says, "GOOD .... go get your own darn blanket!!!"

11-21-2020, 05:29 AM	#11197
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dogs IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

11-22-2020, 04:42 AM	#11198
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Long ago, one day our physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" "To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted. "It keeps the idiots out of medical school," replied the professor.

11-23-2020, 04:44 AM	#11199
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	My wife won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly bear on each bicep... She is infringing on my right to bear arms!

11-24-2020, 05:01 AM	#11200
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A mother was worried that her three-year-old son was unusually precocious, and took him to a psychiatrist. "Right," said the shrink, "We'll just try a few simple tests." To the boy, he said, "Say a few words - anything that comes into your mind." The boy turned to his mother and asked, "Does he want logically constructed sentences or just a few random and purely isolated words?"

11-25-2020, 02:42 PM	#11201
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 47,053 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	A guy is out for a walk when he passes a house with a sign that reads “Talking German Shepherd for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

11-26-2020, 05:09 AM	#11203
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Why did the farmer run a steamroller over his potato field on Thanksgiving Day? He wanted to raise mashed potatoes.

11-27-2020, 05:35 AM	#11204
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	It was enough to startle the little old lady out of her roots. There was the fish market person tossing trout clear across his shop to a man in fisherman uniform. The fishermen caught six fish and then said: "All right Joe. Now I can truthfully tell my wife I caught six fish today."

11-28-2020, 05:10 AM	#11205
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER." I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"