Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 744

cromag · 10-01-2020, 08:45 PM

Actually, isn't it possible that the Stones heard the Who, then traveled back in time a bit to steal the song and beat the Who to the release? (And maybe just got some of the lyrics wrong. I blame Keith.)

drjd · 10-02-2020, 06:08 AM

Just helped my neighbor throw a rolled up carpet in the dumpster...

Her boyfriend would have helped but he is out of town.

drjd · 10-03-2020, 06:15 AM

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

yvanleterrible · 10-03-2020, 08:01 PM

I’ve been away from MR for a while. Do we have sanitary rules over here?

yvanleterrible · 10-03-2020, 08:09 PM

There’s no more water in my house. I have to come up with solutions.

poohbear_nc · 10-03-2020, 08:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

I’ve been away for a while. Do we have sanitary rules over here?

Welcome back!

drjd · 10-04-2020, 06:12 AM

Howdy, yvanleterrible!

drjd · 10-04-2020, 06:19 AM

I always wanted to spend money lavishly.
Never thought it'd be on toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

drjd · 10-06-2020, 06:50 AM

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

drjd · 10-07-2020, 05:28 AM

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't," he replied.

drjd · 10-08-2020, 06:56 AM

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should learn a foreign language...."

"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

PoP · 10-08-2020, 07:41 AM

^

Logical! The real question is to learn *the* right language.

drjd · 10-10-2020, 05:38 AM

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."

His friend replies, "How's that?"

"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."

drjd · 10-11-2020, 07:08 AM

Bubba decided it was time to purchase a new saw to help clear his heavily timbered property. A salesman showed him the latest model chain saw and assured him that he could easily cut three or four cords of wood per day with it. But the first day, Bubba barely cut one cord of wood. The second morning he arose an hour earlier and managed to cut a little over one cord. The third day he got up even earlier but only managed to achieve a total of 1 ½ cords of wood.

Bubba returned the saw to the store the next day and explained the situation.

"Well", said the salesman, "let’s see what’s the matter." He then pulled the cable and the chain saw sprang into action.

Leaping back, Bubba shouted, "What the heck is that noise?"

drjd · 10-12-2020, 05:50 AM

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

10-03-2020, 08:01 PM	#11149
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	I’ve been away from MR for a while. Do we have sanitary rules over here? Last edited by yvanleterrible; 10-04-2020 at 01:42 PM.

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10-01-2020, 08:45 PM	#11146
cromag Surfin the alpha waves ~~ Posts: 26,475 Karma: 459765791 Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: New Jersey Device: Jetbook Lite & Mini, Nook STR, Kobo, Hanvon N516, Kindle 2, Androids	Actually, isn't it possible that the Stones heard the Who, then traveled back in time a bit to steal the song and beat the Who to the release? (And maybe just got some of the lyrics wrong. I blame Keith.)

10-02-2020, 06:08 AM	#11147
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Just helped my neighbor throw a rolled up carpet in the dumpster... Her boyfriend would have helped but he is out of town.

10-03-2020, 06:15 AM	#11148
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!" When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

10-03-2020, 08:09 PM	#11150
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	There’s no more water in my house. I have to come up with solutions.

10-04-2020, 06:12 AM	#11152
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Howdy, yvanleterrible!

10-04-2020, 06:19 AM	#11153
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	I always wanted to spend money lavishly. Never thought it'd be on toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

10-06-2020, 06:50 AM	#11154
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

10-07-2020, 05:28 AM	#11155
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs." Tim gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" "For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife." "Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!" "I wasn't," he replied.

10-08-2020, 06:56 AM	#11156
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should learn a foreign language...." "Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

10-08-2020, 07:41 AM	#11157
PoP curly᷂͓̫̙᷊̥̮̾ͯͤͭͬͦͨ ʎʌɹnɔ Posts: 3,018 Karma: 50506927 Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: ♁ ᴺ₄₅°₃₀' ᵂ₇₃°₃₇' ±₆₀" Device: K3₃.₄.₃ PW3&4₅.₁₃.₃	^ Logical! The real question is to learn the right language.

10-10-2020, 05:38 AM	#11158
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy." His friend replies, "How's that?" "It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."

10-11-2020, 07:08 AM	#11159
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Bubba decided it was time to purchase a new saw to help clear his heavily timbered property. A salesman showed him the latest model chain saw and assured him that he could easily cut three or four cords of wood per day with it. But the first day, Bubba barely cut one cord of wood. The second morning he arose an hour earlier and managed to cut a little over one cord. The third day he got up even earlier but only managed to achieve a total of 1 ½ cords of wood. Bubba returned the saw to the store the next day and explained the situation. "Well", said the salesman, "let’s see what’s the matter." He then pulled the cable and the chain saw sprang into action. Leaping back, Bubba shouted, "What the heck is that noise?"

10-12-2020, 05:50 AM	#11160
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"