Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[GrumpyGumpy]

Wife: Do you drink beer?
Husband: Yes

Wife: How many beers a day?
Husband: Usually about three

Wife: How much do you pay per beer?
Husband: $5.00 which includes a tip

Wife: And how long have you been drinking?
Husband: About 20 years, I suppose

Wife: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Husband: Correct

Wife: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Husband: Correct

Wife: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?


Husband: Do you drink beer?
Wife: No.

Husband: Where is your airplane?

[GrumpyGumpy]

A man and his wife were playing golf. The man tees off and his
ball veers way off to the right, breaking the window of a house.
The wife says you must go and apologize and pay for the window.
Both the man and his wife walk up to the house, ring the door but
no one answers. He opens the door and inside, next to the window
he sees a broken vase with his golf ball laying on the floor.
Suddenly a man comes out of a nearby room, the golfer starts to
apologize for breaking his window and the vase.
The man inside the house says, “No, don’t apologize, I am a genie
and have been stuck in that vase for 10,000 years, you have
rescued me and I owe you deeply. For helping me I will grant three
wishes. I will give you one, your lovely wife one and I would
like to keep one for myself.”
He asks the man what he wishes for. The man thought awhile and
said, “I wish for a million dollars.”
The genie waves his hand and said, “A million dollars, it’s yours,
it has been deposited into your bank account.”
He asks the wife what is her wish. She says, “I wish for a
condominium in Hawaii.”
The genie waves his hand and says, “A condominium in Hawaii, it’s
yours.” The genie continues, “Now it is my turn.” He thinks for
awhile and says, “You know its been 10,000 years since I have had
a woman, could I make love to your wife?”
The man thinks for a while and says, “Honey, he gave us a million
dollars and a condominium in Hawaii, the least you could do is
make love to him.”
She agrees and they both go to the back bedroom.
After making passionate love, the woman says, “I can’t believe
that my husband let you do this to me.”



The genie says, “And I can’t believe that your husband still
believes in genies.”

[GrumpyGumpy]

A balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in California , walked into a jewelery store in

a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There was only $25 in your account.'

'I know, said the old man,

'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

[drjd]

Welcome, GrumpyGrumpy!

[drjd]

Oozing with mystery, the Ancient Greeks were Minoan for their seCrete societies.

[drjd]

The time for submitted puns starting with the letter 'N' just expired. It's now 'O' pun season.

[Adoby]

Big brother educates younger brother:

Never hit another guy wearing glasses. Take the glasses off, then hit the other guy.

[Adoby]

Big brother educates younger brother:

Never hit another guy with glasses. Use a bat instead.

[drjd]

A wizard joke

What kinds of wizards can jump higher than a bus?

All of them, busses don't jump!

[Adoby]

Most buses don't jump. Some do...

[PoP]

^^
Proof by the absurd.

And, why in my time the joke was

"I'll bet you that I can jump higher than a house" and jumping six inches after taking the money.

[drjd]

On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.

[drjd]

The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it is between 1:00 pm and 4:00 pm.

[piperclassique]

Just for the sake of clarification, here are those UK lockdown rules, one more time:

1. You MUST NOT leave the house for any reason, but if you have a reason, you can leave the house.

2. Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus, but you may have to wear one because it can save lives, but they may not work, but they may be mandatory, but maybe not.

3. Shops are closed, except those shops that are open.

4. You must not go to work but you can get another job and go to work.

5. You should not go to the Doctor's or to the hospital unless you have to go there, unless you are too poorly to go there.

6. This virus can kill people, but don’t be scared of it. It can only kill those people who are vulnerable or those people who are not vulnerable. It’s possible to contain and control it, sometimes, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster.

7. Gloves won't help, but they can still help so wear them sometimes, or not.

8. STAY HOME, but it's important to go out.

9. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarkets, but there are many things missing. Sometimes you won’t need loo rolls but you should buy some just in case you need some.

10. The virus has no effect on children except those children it affects.

11. Animals are not affected, but there was a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…

12. Stay 2 metres away from tigers (see point 11).

13. You will have many symptoms if you get the virus, but you can also get symptoms without getting the virus, get the virus without having any symptoms or be contagious without having symptoms, or be non contagious with symptoms...it's a sort of lucky/unlucky dip.

14. To help protect yourself you should eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand as it's better not to go to the shops, unless you need toilet roll or a fence panel.

15. It's important to get fresh air but don't go to parks but go for a walk. But don’t sit down, except if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant or if you’re not old or pregnant but need to sit down. If you do sit down don’t eat your picnic, unless you've had a long walk, which you are/aren't allowed to do if you're old or pregnant.

16. Don’t visit old people but you have to take care of the old people and bring them food and medication.

17. If you are sick, you can go out when you are better but anyone else in your household can’t go out when you are better unless they need to go out.

18. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house. These deliveries are safe. But groceries you bring back to your house have to be decontaminated outside for 3 hours including frozen pizza.

19. You can't see your older mother or grandmother, but they can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver.

20. You are safe if you maintain the safe social distance when out but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance.

21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours ... or four hours...or six hours... I mean days, not hours. But it needs a damp environment. Or a cold environment that is warm and dry... in the air, as long as the air is not plastic.

22. Schools are closed so you need to home educate your children, unless you can send them to school because you’re not at home. If you are at home you can home educate your children using various portals and virtual class rooms, unless you have poor internet, or more than one child and only one computer, or you are working from home. Baking cakes can be considered maths, science or art. If you are home educating you can include household chores within their education. If you are home educating you can start drinking at 10am.

23. If you are not home educating children you can also start drinking at 10am.

24. The number of corona related deaths will be announced daily but we don't know how many people are infected as they are only testing those who are almost dead to find out if that's what they will die of. The people who die of corona who aren’t counted, won’t or will be counted but maybe not.

25. We should stay in locked down until the virus stops infecting people but it will only stop infecting people if we all get infected so it’s important we get infected and some don’t get infected.

26. You can join your neighbours for a street party and turn your music up for an outside disco and your neighbours won’t call the police. People in another street are allowed to call the police about your music whilst also having a party which you are allowed to call the police about.

27. No business will go down due to Coronavirus except those businesses that will go down due to Coronavirus.

Hope that makes things clearer for you.

[drjd]

'nuff is 'nuff!