Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 705

drjd · 08-04-2019, 07:24 AM

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account!"

"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

drjd · 08-05-2019, 06:47 AM

How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?

Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!

drjd · 08-06-2019, 03:17 PM

I tied all of my spaghetti together whilst I was drunk last night.

I ended up skipping dinner.

drjd · 08-07-2019, 06:29 AM

Me: and this is my house.

Friend: what’s upstairs?

Me: stairs don’t talk.

drjd · 08-08-2019, 05:53 AM

Turkeys cannot speak, so they usually take their secrets to the gravy.

drjd · 08-09-2019, 03:25 PM

At a family gathering, Fred's father, grandfather, and great-grandfather bragged that they had all been able to walk on water to the bar across the lake for their first legal drinks.

So when Fred's 21st birthday came around, he rowed out to the center of the lake, stepped out of the boat, and nearly drowned.

Fred climbed back in and went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he said, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked kindly into Fred's eyes and said, "Because they were all born in January, and you were born in August."

drjd · 08-11-2019, 05:58 AM

A girl is doing a crossword puzzle..."What's a 7-letter word for 'easily perceived or understood' that starts with 'O'?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"It should be, but I can't figure it out. That's why I'm asking."

drjd · 08-12-2019, 07:34 AM

A girl walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts.

The guy says, "No, ma'am."

She says, "Well, do you have any dates?"

And he says, "Ma'am, if I don't have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?"

drjd · 08-13-2019, 06:18 AM

Chuck Norris got shot. We are now in the hospital, where the bullet is in critical condition.

drjd · 08-16-2019, 06:42 AM

We were at a red light when a car pulled up, its music blasting.

“He’ll be deaf before he’s 25,” I said.

“That won’t help us,” my wife replied. “He’ll only turn it up.”

drjd · 08-17-2019, 06:44 AM

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

- Anna one, Anna two...

timebug · 08-18-2019, 04:13 AM

The Spanish fireman with two sons: Jose, and Hose 'B'.......

drjd · 08-18-2019, 07:31 AM

A completed jigsaw puzzle is a pieceful solution.

drjd · 08-19-2019, 02:47 PM

People’s parents actually give them sage advice, like “Do what you love, and the money will follow” or “The early bird gets the worm.”

All I remember is, “Don’t fill up on bread.”

PoP · 08-19-2019, 04:09 PM

A guy proposed to marry a beautiful Italian catholic girl. She accepted on the one condition that he would have to be heard in confession before getting married.

"Come on" says the guy, "I'm not a practicing catholic, I can't do that, it would be meaningless."

"Well, no confession, no wedding" said the girl as her last word.

So, a saturday morning, they go to church and the guy enters the confesional.

"I have sinned, father" he announced.

"In which way son?" answers the priest.

"I have gone to bed with many married women."

"And who would that be?" asked the priest.

"This is private and I can't betray them, even to you!" replies the guy.

"No name, no absolution" says the priest "but let me help you, I'll give you names and you only show me a yes or no sign."

How do YOU want him to answer?

NO:

Spoiler:

YES:

Spoiler:

08-19-2019, 04:09 PM	#10575
PoP curly᷂͓̫̙᷊̥̮̾ͯͤͭͬͦͨ ʎʌɹnɔ Posts: 3,018 Karma: 50506927 Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: ♁ ᴺ₄₅°₃₀' ᵂ₇₃°₃₇' ±₆₀" Device: K3₃.₄.₃ PW3&4₅.₁₃.₃	The joke where YOU are the hero. A guy proposed to marry a beautiful Italian catholic girl. She accepted on the one condition that he would have to be heard in confession before getting married. "Come on" says the guy, "I'm not a practicing catholic, I can't do that, it would be meaningless." "Well, no confession, no wedding" said the girl as her last word. So, a saturday morning, they go to church and the guy enters the confesional. "I have sinned, father" he announced. "In which way son?" answers the priest. "I have gone to bed with many married women." "And who would that be?" asked the priest. "This is private and I can't betray them, even to you!" replies the guy. "No name, no absolution" says the priest "but let me help you, I'll give you names and you only show me a yes or no sign." How do YOU want him to answer? NO: Spoiler: "Maria?" - "No", "Camela?" - "No", "...?"- "No", "Pietrina?"- "No". "Ah go away, you are not repentent" says the exceeded priest. The guy exit the confessional and his girlfriend ask him if he finally got the the absolution? "No I'm sorry, but I got good names" says he. YES: Spoiler: "Maria?" - "Yes", "Camela?" - "Yes", "...?"- "Yes", "Pietrina?"- "Yes". To which the priest says "Ah go away, you slept with all these women and now you want to marry my daugther!"

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08-04-2019, 07:24 AM	#10561
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account!" "I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

08-05-2019, 06:47 AM	#10562
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden? Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!

08-06-2019, 03:17 PM	#10563
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	I tied all of my spaghetti together whilst I was drunk last night. I ended up skipping dinner.

08-07-2019, 06:29 AM	#10564
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Me: and this is my house. Friend: what’s upstairs? Me: stairs don’t talk.

08-08-2019, 05:53 AM	#10565
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Turkeys cannot speak, so they usually take their secrets to the gravy.

08-09-2019, 03:25 PM	#10566
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	At a family gathering, Fred's father, grandfather, and great-grandfather bragged that they had all been able to walk on water to the bar across the lake for their first legal drinks. So when Fred's 21st birthday came around, he rowed out to the center of the lake, stepped out of the boat, and nearly drowned. Fred climbed back in and went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he said, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked kindly into Fred's eyes and said, "Because they were all born in January, and you were born in August."

08-11-2019, 05:58 AM	#10567
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A girl is doing a crossword puzzle..."What's a 7-letter word for 'easily perceived or understood' that starts with 'O'?" "Isn't it obvious?" "It should be, but I can't figure it out. That's why I'm asking."

08-12-2019, 07:34 AM	#10568
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A girl walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts. The guy says, "No, ma'am." She says, "Well, do you have any dates?" And he says, "Ma'am, if I don't have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?"

08-13-2019, 06:18 AM	#10569
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Chuck Norris got shot. We are now in the hospital, where the bullet is in critical condition.

08-16-2019, 06:42 AM	#10570
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	We were at a red light when a car pulled up, its music blasting. “He’ll be deaf before he’s 25,” I said. “That won’t help us,” my wife replied. “He’ll only turn it up.”

08-17-2019, 06:44 AM	#10571
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	What did the drummer call his twin daughters? - Anna one, Anna two...

08-18-2019, 04:13 AM	#10572
timebug Ancient Sage Posts: 14,585 Karma: 15493448 Join Date: Oct 2015 Location: Derby U.K. Device: Kobo Reader	The Spanish fireman with two sons: Jose, and Hose 'B'.......

08-18-2019, 07:31 AM	#10573
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A completed jigsaw puzzle is a pieceful solution.

08-19-2019, 02:47 PM	#10574
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	People’s parents actually give them sage advice, like “Do what you love, and the money will follow” or “The early bird gets the worm.” All I remember is, “Don’t fill up on bread.”