Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[drjd]

A women is getting lunch ready when the phone rings.

"This is the middle school calling about your son Johnny. He's been caught telling unbelievable lies."

"I'll say he has," the woman replies, "I don't have a son."

[drjd]

I invented some new cookware but the critics panned it.

[drjd]

The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy...So I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable WiFi!

[drjd]

I'm kind of tired of being an amateur crastinater... I'm thinking of turning pro, but I'm going to put that decision off for awhile.

[drjd]

Q :How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

A: Walking...… Jk, Rowling

[drjd]

"We have two test tubes here," said the professor of IVF studies from Monash University. "They contain two carefully synthesized ingredients that we can now use to create human life. Solution A is a genetically engineered copy of all the ingredients in the female ovum, while Solution B replicates the active ingredients in male spermatozoa. If I mix them in this aseptic glass container a new human life will be conceived. Now any questions?"

"Could you possibly give us a demonstration?" asked an awed member of the audience.

"I'm sorry, not tonight," said the professor, "Solution A has a headache."

[drjd]

What do cannibal secretaries do with leftover fingernails?

They file them!

[drjd]

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

[DMcCunney]

And along that line:

An old Irish guy walks into a bar. He raps on the bartop to get the bartender's attention, and says "Barkeep! Three pints of Guinness, please!"

The bartender pulls his pints, he pays for them and drinks them one after the other, and leaves.

The next days he's back at the same hour. "Barkeep! Three pints of Guinness, please!"

This goes on for several weeks, and the bartender gets curious. The next time the old guy is in, while he's pulling the pints, he asks the old guy "What's your name, laddy?"

"Me name's Sean."

"Good to meet, you Sean!", says the bartender. "I'm Paddy!"

"Sean, lad, I'm curious." says Paddy. " Every days for weeks you've been coming into me bar at the same hour every day and having three pints. There's a story there, I bet.", says Paddy. "What's going on, laddy?"

"Well, Paddy", says Sean, "I used to have two close friends. Every day we'd go to the local at this hour and hoist a pint together. They're gone now, the good lord rest their souls, so I honors their memory by having their pints for them!"

"Ah, it's a good thing you do, Sean!" replies Paddy.

A couple of weeks later, Sean walks in, raps on the bar, and says "Paddy! two pints of Guinness, please!"

Paddy turns in shock. "Sean, lad! Every day for weeks you've been coming into me bar at this hour and having three pints of Guinness. Today you only want two! What happened, laddy?"

"Oh, Paddy", replies Sean. "I quit drinking!"
______
Dennis

[drjd]

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life there.

[drjd]

What do vampires have at eleven o'clock every day?

A coffin break!

[drjd]

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.

Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical.

All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.

All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.

[drjd]

- Mummy, can I wear a bra now that I'm sixteen?


- No, David.

[drjd]

[yvanleterrible]

Originally Posted by drjd

Like it.

It gets better when you say it out loud in a «*Strain*» accent...