Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[drjd]

Chuck Norris once leaned against a tower in Pisa, Italy.

[orlok]

[drjd]

It was the first day of school and the teacher was asking the little boy about his family.

"And what does your Daddy do?"

"He's a magician."

"That must be exciting, what tricks can he do?"

"He can saw people in half."

"That is clever, and tell me do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"Yes, one half brother, and two half sisters."

[PeterT]

What did jay-z call his girlfriend before they were married?

Spoiler:

Fèyonce

[Adoby]

Little Tommy had problems with numbers and adding. But when he was allowed to count on his fingers, and not just in the head, it usually went fine.

But the teacher had started telling Tommy to put his hands in his pockets before giving Tommy a problem to solve. Tommy was smart, so after the first time he took some scissors and cut away the insides of the pockets on his trousers.

Teacher: "Tommy, put your hands in your pockets! Now, what is five plus five?"

(pause)

Tommy: "Eleven!"

[drjd]

Did you hear about the doctor who was going from full time to part time? He was either losing his patients or getting a bit out of practice.

[Adoby]

At the butchers:

- How can you sell meat this cheap?

- We cut down the staff.

[drjd]

Never take a nail to a bar. They tend to get hammered.

[yvanleterrible]

Originally Posted by drjd

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

...It chewed itself to bits...

[drjd]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

[Bilbo1967]

I just read the best jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival (as voted for by the public).

The number one was;

Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day. - Adam Rowe

The rest of the top ten were;

"I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring" - Leo Kearse

"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel

"In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt

"What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?" - Flo and Joan

"I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh

"Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse

"I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it" - Adele Cliff

"Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman

"I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" - Laura Lexx

[drjd]

He got arrested at the Farmers Market for disturbing the peas.

[drjd]

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog doo, 20 feet back."

[drjd]

In 1945, Adolf Hitler was really kicked to death by a five year old Chuck Norris.

[BetterRed]

What's the difference between a mayfly and an Australian prime minister, the former survives for longer