Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 674

drjd · 05-11-2018, 03:15 PM

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. 'Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?'

drjd · 05-14-2018, 06:33 AM

"When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."

"You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."

wodin · 05-14-2018, 09:04 PM

Got into a taxi the other day, and the cabbie promptly introduced himself as “Cadillac Jack.”
“I’ve owned 29 Cadillacs, all of them new,” he said, and proceeded to tell me about each and every one of them as we drove across town.
Finally I had to ask.
“How old are you?”
“Sixty,” he said.
“How did you manage to go through 29 Cadillacs?”
“Well, you know, if you don’t pay for them, they take ’em back.”

cromag · 05-21-2018, 08:58 PM

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral.

A man leans in to her and says "I'm so sorry.... do you mind if I say a word?"

"No, go right ahead," she replies.

He stands up, clears his throat, and says, "Plethora", then sits back down.

"Thank you," she says to him, "that means a lot."

drjd · 05-22-2018, 02:10 PM

I was on the subway the other day, and the guy next to me was crying over a book. He was actually crying.

So, I leaned over -- I go, You dont know how to read, either?

drjd · 05-25-2018, 07:18 AM

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

Adoby · 05-25-2018, 12:54 PM

When Chuck Norris needs help he calls his own number and leaves a message for himself.

GlennD · 05-25-2018, 07:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Adoby

When Chuck Norris needs help he calls his own number and leaves a message for himself.

This one is totally unrealistic. As if Chuck Norris would ever need help.

drjd · 05-27-2018, 07:24 AM

As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?"

"Just snow," replied the stewardess.

"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."

drjd · 05-29-2018, 06:44 AM

What was written on the hypochondriac's tombstone?

"I told you I was ill"!

pdurrant · 05-29-2018, 06:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by drjd

What was written on the hypochondriac's tombstone?

"I told you I was ill"!

This is, genuinely, on Spike Milligan's tombstone, in Irish.

drjd · 05-31-2018, 11:05 AM

A senior citizen was clearing out his attic when he came upon an old painting and a violin. Thinking they might be valuable, he took them to the auction house to be valued.
After studying them, the appraiser said, "Mr Cooper, I have good news and I have bad news."
"What's the good news?" the senior asked.
"The good news is that you have a Stradivarius and a Picasso," replied the appraiser.
"Fantastic! What's the bad news?"
"Well sir, the bad news is that Stradivarius was a very bad painter and Picasso was no good with violins."

drjd · 06-02-2018, 03:51 PM

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness.

He says to the waitress: "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream."

The waitress replies: "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

drjd · 06-07-2018, 06:12 AM

English is weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

Adoby · 06-09-2018, 01:53 PM

My favorite vegetable is bacon. I eat a lot of vegetables.

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05-11-2018, 03:15 PM	#10096
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. 'Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?'

05-14-2018, 06:33 AM	#10097
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	"When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least." "You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."

05-14-2018, 09:04 PM	#10098
wodin Illiterate Posts: 10,279 Karma: 37848716 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: The Sandwich Isles Device: Samsung Galaxy S10+, Microsoft Surface Pro	Got into a taxi the other day, and the cabbie promptly introduced himself as “Cadillac Jack.” “I’ve owned 29 Cadillacs, all of them new,” he said, and proceeded to tell me about each and every one of them as we drove across town. Finally I had to ask. “How old are you?” “Sixty,” he said. “How did you manage to go through 29 Cadillacs?” “Well, you know, if you don’t pay for them, they take ’em back.”

05-21-2018, 08:58 PM	#10099
cromag Surfin the alpha waves ~~ Posts: 27,339 Karma: 459765791 Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: New Jersey Device: Jetbook Lite & Mini, Nook STR, Kobo, Hanvon N516, Kindle 2, Androids	A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and says "I'm so sorry.... do you mind if I say a word?" "No, go right ahead," she replies. He stands up, clears his throat, and says, "Plethora", then sits back down. "Thank you," she says to him, "that means a lot."

05-22-2018, 02:10 PM	#10100
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	I was on the subway the other day, and the guy next to me was crying over a book. He was actually crying. So, I leaned over -- I go, You dont know how to read, either?

05-25-2018, 07:18 AM	#10101
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

05-25-2018, 12:54 PM	#10102
Adoby Handy Elephant Posts: 1,737 Karma: 26785684 Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Southern Sweden, far out in the quiet woods Device: Samsung Galaxy Tab S8 Ultra	When Chuck Norris needs help he calls his own number and leaves a message for himself.

05-27-2018, 07:24 AM	#10104
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?" "Just snow," replied the stewardess. "That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."

05-29-2018, 06:44 AM	#10105
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	What was written on the hypochondriac's tombstone? "I told you I was ill"!

05-31-2018, 11:05 AM	#10107
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A senior citizen was clearing out his attic when he came upon an old painting and a violin. Thinking they might be valuable, he took them to the auction house to be valued. After studying them, the appraiser said, "Mr Cooper, I have good news and I have bad news." "What's the good news?" the senior asked. "The good news is that you have a Stradivarius and a Picasso," replied the appraiser. "Fantastic! What's the bad news?" "Well sir, the bad news is that Stradivarius was a very bad painter and Picasso was no good with violins."

06-02-2018, 03:51 PM	#10108
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies: "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

06-07-2018, 06:12 AM	#10109
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	English is weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

06-09-2018, 01:53 PM	#10110
Adoby Handy Elephant Posts: 1,737 Karma: 26785684 Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Southern Sweden, far out in the quiet woods Device: Samsung Galaxy Tab S8 Ultra	My favorite vegetable is bacon. I eat a lot of vegetables.