Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[drjd]

The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

[drjd]

I before e... except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor.

[WT Sharpe]

Originally Posted by PoP

Judge: Where were you on march 11 at 2:30 AM?

Accused: In my bed.

Judge: Impossible: Guilty!!

Heh!

[DMcCunney]

Originally Posted by drjd

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give a surprising twist at the end.

https://writerswrite.co.za/light-bul...hing-industry/
______
Dennis

[drjd]

Originally Posted by DMcCunney

https://writerswrite.co.za/light-bul...hing-industry/
______
Dennis

All brilliant! Especially the 'forum users' one!

[DMcCunney]

Originally Posted by drjd

All brilliant! Especially the 'forum users' one!

There are also Babylon 5 light bulb jokes:

Q: How many Centauri does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. But in the great days of the Republic, hundreds of servants would change thousands of light bulbs at our merest whim!

Q: How many Narn does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The Centauri don't permit Narn access to that level of technology!

Q: How many Minbari does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sixteen. One from the worker caste to do it, five from the religious caste to determine that light needs to be brought to the area, and ten from the warrior caste to hold off the forces of darkness while it is done.

Q: How many Drazi does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, if they ever stop fighting over whether the bulb should be green or purple.

Q: How many B5 stevedores does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Twenty five. You got a problem with that?

Q: How many Shadows does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Shadows use dark bulbs.

Q: How many Vorlons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The light bulb has always been changed.
______
Dennis

[sjfan]

Originally Posted by drjd

I before e... except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor.

Deigning to inveigle in that vein would be a seismic deceit; the veils and feints of such heinousness outweigh the perceived receipts.

Reign it in and reinvent yourself: rise at reveille, imbibe a stein of caffeine, and seize every conceivable chance of reinvesting your receivables to ensure a surfeit of leisure in your eighties.

[drjd]

Here is the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than do the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[orlok]

[drjd]

Tammy and Ann were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, Tammy said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him then ?" said Ann.
"Oh ! Not yet." Tammy replied, "I'd like to lose at least another ten to fifteen pounds first."

[drjd]

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-eighties, very well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of a very expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image. Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-seventies. The sharp old gent walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip. He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me..... do I come here often?”

[orlok]

[drjd]

In late 2017 the Wampanoag Indians asked their Chief if the winter was going to be cold and snowy. Not really knowing an answer, the chief takes a guess and tells the members of the village to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the library and checked the internet forecast from the National Weather Service. He was happy to see that their data agreed with the message he gave his village. So the now confident Chief went back with a more urgent message to his people to collect even more wood and to be prepared. A month later he again visited the library and checked the forecast. The new forecast predicted even colder temperatures and huge snowfall. So the chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood. Two weeks later he makes one final check with the National Weather Service. This time he calls and speaks with one of their senior forecasters, gets an even colder forecast with even more snow and asks the agent how they can be so certain. The man replies, 'The Indians in Boston are collecting wood like crazy!'

[HLS]

Originally Posted by kcladyz

Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four doors it will be a chicken sedan! lol




<------ Being a bird owner I had to tell it

Here is another.



Two peanuts walked into a bar and one was a salted

[drjd]

The caterer was consulting with a woman about throwing a birthday party for her 72-year-old husband.
"Is it a surprise?" the caterer asked.
"Oh, no," answered the woman. "My husband knows he's going to be 72."