Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[drjd]

In June, the United Kingdom voted to split from the European Union. ‘Brexit’—as in ‘British exit’—is the catchy nickname for the break-up.

Here are the handles for other countries should they make a move, be they in Europe or not:

• Czechout
• AufWiederSpain
• Boltswana
• Fleeji
• Scootland
• Outdia
• Dubaibye
• Afghaniscram
• Farewales

[drjd]

We Do apologize (BaDly)...

A local newspaper printed the following notice:

“Congratulations George Brownridge, for pleasing 15 women for an entire day. We were all exhausted and very satisfied and look forward to next year. We all thank you!”

... and were forced to run this the next day:

“Our sincere apology to George Brownridge and staff. Our intentions were to thank him for a generous holiday shopping trip he arranged ... any inappropriate innuendos were unintentional and we take full responsibility.”

[orlok]

My girlfriend said we should experiment more in the bedroom.

This morning we synthesised a new protein chain.

[John K]

NEWS BULLETIN:

Police in Detroit last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 fully-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, two tons of heroin, and $5,000,000 in forged US banknotes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Ave.

Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said: "We're all shocked; we never knew we had a library."

[drjd]

An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.

One prospective juror, Dan, was called for his question session.

He was asked, "Property holder?"

Dan replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honor."

Then he was asked, "Married or single?"

Dan responded, "Married for twenty years, Your Honor."

Then the judge asked, "Formed or expressed an opinion?"

Dan stated with certainty, "Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

[drjd]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.

In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married."

The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!"

The woman says, "GOOD .... go get your own darn blanket!!!"

[John K]

Things never heard at a redneck bar.
-- Duct tape won't fix that.

-- Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

-- We don't keep firearms in the house.

-- You can't feed that to the dog.

-- The kids can't ride in the back of the pickup -- it's just not safe.

-- Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

-- We're vegetarians.

-- Do you think my gut is too big?

-- Honey, we don't need another dog.

-- Who's Richard Petty?

-- We could just share a small bag of pork rinds

.-- Too many deer heads detract from the decor

.-- I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today

.-- Is there anything in this restaurant that's NOT fried?

-- The tires on that truck are too big.

-- I've got it all on the C drive.

-- There's too much sugar in this tea.

-- Checkmate.

-- I believe you cooked those greens too long

[drjd]

Something went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.

[drjd]

Judge to prospective juror: "And why do you wish to be excused from serving on this jury?"

"Your honor, it's because I don't believe in capital punishment and I don't want my personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course."

"Madam, this is not a murder trial. It's a civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $25,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."

"Well, okay. I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."

[drjd]

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

[Doitsu]

@drjd: Two of these frequently mentioned examples of mistranslations are actually urban legends.

Bite the Wax Tadpole (Coca Cola)

Don't Go Here (Chevy Nova)

[drjd]

Originally Posted by Doitsu

@drjd: Two of these frequently mentioned examples of mistranslations are actually urban legends.

Bite the Wax Tadpole (Coca Cola)

Don't Go Here (Chevy Nova)

Very informative articles, Doitsu, thanks! I had actually taken those as consequential jokes only.

[issybird]

^One of my favorite examples of that goes in the other direction, where it would have been better if the foreign word had been translated into English.

The French perfume house Rochas released a perfume which was named "Doll" in French. Unfortunately, they retained that name in Anglophone markets: Poupée.

[Glorfindel]

Two jokes and a long joke:

Spoiler:

joke joke joooooke!

[drjd]

When young, I decided to go to Medical School. At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who said SPINE are doctors today.

The rest of us went to flight school..