Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 63

Lady Blue · 03-26-2010, 12:23 PM

Is this how the world works these days?

If a cook cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
he sues the restaurant.

If he smokes three packs a day for 40 years and dies of lung cancer,
his family sues the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk,
he sues the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,
you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit of a plane and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, but the passengers kill him instead,
the mother of the crazed deceased sues the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is these days, but I'm catching on . . .

So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to sue Bill Gates.

WT Sharpe · 03-26-2010, 12:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lady Blue

Is this how the world works these days?

If a cook cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
he sues the restaurant.

If he smokes three packs a day for 40 years and dies of lung cancer,
his family sues the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk,
he sues the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,
you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit of a plane and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, but the passengers kill him instead,
the mother of the crazed deceased sues the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is these days, but I'm catching on . . .

So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to sue Bill Gates.

Now that's funny! I laughed 'till it hurt. Now I'm suing you, Lady Blue!

kennyc · 03-26-2010, 12:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lady Blue

Is this how the world works these days?

If a cook cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
he sues the restaurant.

If he smokes three packs a day for 40 years and dies of lung cancer,
his family sues the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk,
he sues the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,
you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit of a plane and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, but the passengers kill him instead,
the mother of the crazed deceased sues the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is these days, but I'm catching on . . .

So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to sue Bill Gates.

This is so true. I'm sitting here thinking about things to write and this social behavior is definitely on the list.......it's the blame someone who has money rather than taking responsibility for yourself.

kennyc · 03-26-2010, 12:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

Now that's funny! I laughed 'till it hurt. Now I'm suing you, Lady Blue!

I don't think she saw that one coming!

Lady Blue · 03-26-2010, 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

Now that's funny! I laughed 'till it hurt. Now I'm suing you, Lady Blue!

Don't sue the messenger. My boss sent me that joke. It's HIS fault.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

I don't think she saw that one coming!

Nope, didn't see it coming (I can be quite naive, you know), but I see a countersuit taking shape.

ShortNCuddlyAm · 03-26-2010, 01:10 PM

Well, I'm suing the lot of you for attempted manslaughter, or maybe murder - you made me laugh when I had food in my mouth and I nearly choked!

WT Sharpe · 03-26-2010, 01:19 PM

Uh ... maybe we better all settle out of court!

Lady Blue · 03-26-2010, 01:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShortNCuddlyAm

Well, I'm suing the lot of you for attempted manslaughter, or maybe murder - you made me laugh when I had food in my mouth and I nearly choked!

That's it.

Don't you threaten me, young lady.

I've got a "Not My Fault" disclaimer in my sig line. You can't sue me!!!

Oh, wait.

I don't have a sig line.

yvanleterrible · 03-26-2010, 02:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lady Blue

Is this how the world works these days?

If a cook cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
he sues the restaurant.

If he smokes three packs a day for 40 years and dies of lung cancer,
his family sues the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk,
he sues the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,
you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit of a plane and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, but the passengers kill him instead,
the mother of the crazed deceased sues the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is these days, but I'm catching on . . .

So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to sue Bill Gates.

...and the manufacturers of Preparation H...

Lycoming · 03-26-2010, 04:07 PM

Look away now if you are easily offended. If you are difficult to offend just read the first line. If you are obstinately offensive just go ahead.

PS on a Mac there is no vibration. It must be that Gates bloke again.

Lycoming · 03-26-2010, 04:10 PM

The Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him
out of ten million quid. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the
reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that
Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in
court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing money,
he takes along his solicitor who knows sign language. The
Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the ten million quid is
that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you
are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to
Enzo's forehead and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard!"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies,

"He says you don't have the b@lls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just LOVE lawyers?!

Redneck Hooker

A redneck was walking home late at night and saw a woman in the
shadows.''Twenty dollars" she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's
only twenty bucks.

So they hide in the bushes. They're 'engaged' for a minute when all of a
sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

'I'm making love to my wife!,' Bubba answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'

'Well, neither did I, 'til ya shined that light in her face! "

Javed · 03-27-2010, 06:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lady Blue

.......I want all of you to sue Bill Gates.

you must have a funny boss to know these jokes, Lady Blue!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

'I'm making love to my wife!,' Bubba answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'

'Well, neither did I, 'til ya shined that light in her face! "

very funny also, Lycoming!

YGG- · 03-28-2010, 04:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lady Blue

[...]So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to sue Bill Gates.

You got a deal!

WT Sharpe · 03-28-2010, 08:11 PM

Johnny Carson in my favorite Carnac The Magnificent moment:

kennyc · 03-28-2010, 09:06 PM

Oops, embedding disabled Tom...

03-26-2010, 12:23 PM	#931
Lady Blue the snarky blue one Posts: 6,001 Karma: 3877825 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: deep in the heart Device: PRS500, 505 & 600, PRST1 & T2, Kindle PW, Moto Razr, Galaxy Tab 2-10"	My old wrinkled a** Is this how the world works these days? If a cook cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he sues the restaurant. If he smokes three packs a day for 40 years and dies of lung cancer, his family sues the tobacco company. If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he sues the bartender. If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer. And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit of a plane and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, but the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased sues the airline. I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is these days, but I'm catching on . . . So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to sue Bill Gates.

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03-26-2010, 01:10 PM	#936
ShortNCuddlyAm WWHALD Posts: 7,879 Karma: 337114 Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Mitcham, Surrey, UK Device: iPad. Selling my silver 505 here	Well, I'm suing the lot of you for attempted manslaughter, or maybe murder - you made me laugh when I had food in my mouth and I nearly choked!

03-26-2010, 01:19 PM	#937
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,072 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.	Uh ... maybe we better all settle out of court!

03-26-2010, 04:07 PM	#940
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Look away now if you are easily offended. If you are difficult to offend just read the first line. If you are obstinately offensive just go ahead. PS on a Mac there is no vibration. It must be that Gates bloke again.

03-26-2010, 04:10 PM	#941
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	The Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of ten million quid. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing money, he takes along his solicitor who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the ten million quid is that he embezzled from me." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's forehead and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard!" The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the b@lls to pull the trigger." Don't you just LOVE lawyers?! Redneck Hooker A redneck was walking home late at night and saw a woman in the shadows.''Twenty dollars" she whispers. Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're 'engaged' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer. 'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer. 'I'm making love to my wife!,' Bubba answers sounding annoyed. 'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know' 'Well, neither did I, 'til ya shined that light in her face! "

03-28-2010, 08:11 PM	#944
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,072 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.	Johnny Carson in my favorite Carnac The Magnificent moment:

03-28-2010, 09:06 PM	#945
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,907 Karma: 119230421 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	Oops, embedding disabled Tom...