Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[drjd]

A cockroach's last words to a man who wanted to kill it :

"Go ahead and kill me, you coward.
You're just jealous because I can scare your wife and you cannot..!!!!"

[orlok]

I've posted this one before, a few years ago, but it's probably my favourite joke and bears retelling .

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An older man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that she had never climaxed during sex and by birthright, all women are entitled to at least one climax during sex. So they went to see the sex therapist.

The therapist tells them to get a young, strong, virile young man to wave a towel over them while they are having sex. This, says the therapist, will cause the woman to climax, so the couple try it. After several attempts, still no climax. They go back to the therapist. He says for the bride to change partners and have the virile young man have sex with her and have the husband wave the towel.

They try it that night and the young woman goes into wild, screaming ear-splitting climaxes, one after the other. When it is over, the husband smugly looks down at the young man and says, "You see, schmuck, THAT's how you wave a towel!"

[WT Sharpe]

Not really a joke, but a screenshot of a book I was reading on my phone this morning. I'm terrible at languages other than English, so I needed to use Kindle's built in translator. Sounds reasonable to me.

[drjd]

A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant: “What is your name?”

Flight Attendant: “Angela Benz, sir”

Businessman: “Lovely name ...any relation to Mercedes Benz?”

Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close”

Businessman: “How close?”

Flight Attendant: “Same price".

[timebug]

What ticks on a wall?




.....Ticky Paper! (Groan...NOW)

[crich70]

Originally Posted by John K

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."

[orlok]

A man goes to visit his grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

[drjd]

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

[John K]

.
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A banker fell overboard from a boat. His friends, Ted and Al, couldn't find a life preserver to throw. Ted yells to him, "Can you float alone?"

[drjd]

A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't yet bought her a gift.

So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

The overwhelmed man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?"

"That's obvious!" said the sales clerk. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

[PieMan597]

A man walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

The guy asks, "What's this about?"

The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drink for the next hour. You wanna do it?"

The guy replies, "Nah the steaks are too high".

[drjd]

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

[drjd]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor...."

[Nate the great]

Did you hear about the Filipino contortionist?

They called him the Manila folder.

[Nate the great]

What do you call instructions for making beer?

A Brew-print.