Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 623

orlok · 08-15-2016, 09:48 AM

Here are a few comments made by sports commentators during the Olympics that they would probably like to take back....

1. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5.Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?.

drjd · 08-16-2016, 03:15 AM

SCIENTIFIC STUDIES ABOUT MAN AND WOMAN BEHAVIOUR!

(1) Put your wife in a room & lock it.
Put your dog in another room & lock it!!!

Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours & see who is Happy to see you, and who will BITE you!

(Group members are advised not to try this at home as these stunts were performed by professionals; who are now divorced; and living happily with their dog!!)

Don't laugh loud ----

The extended version says...

(2) Put your husband in a room & lock it.
Put your dog in another room & lock it!

Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours & you will be happy to see your dog waiting for you.. but you'll be angry looking at your husband sleeping like he never slept before!

John K · 08-16-2016, 10:03 AM

She was just a moonshiners daughter but I love her still.

Bookpossum · 08-16-2016, 08:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by John K

She was just a moonshiners daughter but I love her still.

I had to stop and think about that one for a second!

Freeshadow · 08-16-2016, 10:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bookpossum

I had to stop and think about that one for a second!

At least it wasn't the one about the electricians daughter...

drjd · 08-17-2016, 04:30 AM

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.

The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"

crich70 · 08-17-2016, 04:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Freeshadow

At least it wasn't the one about the electricians daughter...

How shocking!

PieMan597 · 08-17-2016, 11:14 PM

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

He took out a business card, wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'

Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

Nate the great · 08-20-2016, 12:52 AM

City & town halls
Government facilities
Auditoriums

Don't you just love haikus?

drjd · 08-20-2016, 01:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nate the great

City & town halls
Government facilities
Auditoriums

Don't you just love haikus?

...

drjd · 08-20-2016, 07:15 AM

You know how to you make God laugh?
Tell him your plans.

Nate the great · 08-20-2016, 03:33 PM

Monday's child killed the cat.
Friday's child shall die by the sword.
Nobody's seen Thursday's child in months, and there's a stench coming from the basement.
Wednesday's child is wearing the skin of Tuesday's child.

WT Sharpe · 08-20-2016, 05:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nate the great

Monday's child killed the cat.
Friday's child shall die by the sword.
Nobody's seen Thursday's child in months, and there's a stench coming from the basement.
Wednesday's child is wearing the skin of Tuesday's child.

Well, that there's a real knee-slapper, Nate!

Nate the great · 08-20-2016, 06:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

Well, that there's a real knee-slapper, Nate!

The accounting system I use in place of a sense of humor was upgraded recently. It now features a bot which can write its own joke.

latepaul · 08-20-2016, 07:19 PM

Miss Jones (teacher): "OK class, if there are 3 crows sitting on a gate and the farmer shoots one of them, how many are left?"
Johnny: "None. Because the farmer shot 1 and the others flew away because of the noise of the gun."
Miss Jones: "Well the answer I was looking for was 2 but I like your thinking."
Johnny: "May I ask you a question?"
Miss Jones: "OK"
Johnny: "Two women are sitting on a bench, both eating a popsicle. One is sucking it, the other is biting into hers. Which one is married?"
Miss Jones (blushing): "The one sucking?"
Johnny: "No the one with the wedding ring but I like your thinking!"

(this joke was told to me by an RE teacher!)

08-20-2016, 03:33 PM	#9342
Nate the great Sir Penguin of Edinburgh Posts: 12,375 Karma: 23555235 Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: DC Metro area Device: Shake a stick plus 1	Monday's child killed the cat. Friday's child shall die by the sword. Nobody's seen Thursday's child in months, and there's a stench coming from the basement. Wednesday's child is wearing the skin of Tuesday's child. Last edited by Nate the great; 08-20-2016 at 03:42 PM.

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08-15-2016, 09:48 AM	#9331
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	Here are a few comments made by sports commentators during the Olympics that they would probably like to take back.... 1. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." 2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother." 3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." 4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious." 5.Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing." 6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces." 7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew." 8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." 9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?.

08-16-2016, 03:15 AM	#9332
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	SCIENTIFIC STUDIES ABOUT MAN AND WOMAN BEHAVIOUR! (1) Put your wife in a room & lock it. Put your dog in another room & lock it!!! Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours & see who is Happy to see you, and who will BITE you! (Group members are advised not to try this at home as these stunts were performed by professionals; who are now divorced; and living happily with their dog!!) Don't laugh loud ---- The extended version says... (2) Put your husband in a room & lock it. Put your dog in another room & lock it! Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours & you will be happy to see your dog waiting for you.. but you'll be angry looking at your husband sleeping like he never slept before!

08-16-2016, 10:03 AM	#9333
John K Reader Posts: 266 Karma: 13465550 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: USA Device: Kindle DXG, Kobo Forma	She was just a moonshiners daughter but I love her still.

08-17-2016, 04:30 AM	#9336
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: "Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'" One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"

08-17-2016, 11:14 PM	#9338
PieMan597 Still a pie Posts: 6,285 Karma: 37018654 Join Date: Jan 2014 Location: PieTown USA Device: Kindle Touch, OnePlus 7 Pro	A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. He took out a business card, wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..' Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

08-20-2016, 12:52 AM	#9339
Nate the great Sir Penguin of Edinburgh Posts: 12,375 Karma: 23555235 Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: DC Metro area Device: Shake a stick plus 1	City & town halls Government facilities Auditoriums Don't you just love haikus?

08-20-2016, 07:15 AM	#9341
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	You know how to you make God laugh? Tell him your plans.

08-20-2016, 07:19 PM	#9345
latepaul Wizard Posts: 1,270 Karma: 10468300 Join Date: Dec 2011 Device: a variety (mostly kindles and kobos)	Miss Jones (teacher): "OK class, if there are 3 crows sitting on a gate and the farmer shoots one of them, how many are left?" Johnny: "None. Because the farmer shot 1 and the others flew away because of the noise of the gun." Miss Jones: "Well the answer I was looking for was 2 but I like your thinking." Johnny: "May I ask you a question?" Miss Jones: "OK" Johnny: "Two women are sitting on a bench, both eating a popsicle. One is sucking it, the other is biting into hers. Which one is married?" Miss Jones (blushing): "The one sucking?" Johnny: "No the one with the wedding ring but I like your thinking!" (this joke was told to me by an RE teacher!)