Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 62

kennyc · 03-23-2010, 02:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lady Blue

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus..

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'

happy_terd · 03-23-2010, 03:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lady Blue

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus..

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'

LOL

Bilbo1967 · 03-23-2010, 04:02 PM

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old
son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who
want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds
who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that
kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and
stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to
use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son
say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to
take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a
pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand
luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please
see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'

badgoodDeb · 03-23-2010, 04:15 PM

I foresee another 2 hour delay for those poor train passengers.....

Bilbo1967 · 03-23-2010, 04:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by badgoodDeb

I foresee another 2 hour delay for those poor train passengers.....

If not a total line closure....

happy_terd · 03-23-2010, 04:30 PM

Some funny one-liners I read and liked: (some are too funny)
(http://www.onelinerz.net/top-100-funny-one-liners/)

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

kennyc · 03-23-2010, 04:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by badgoodDeb

I foresee another 2 hour delay for those poor train passengers.....

Me too!!

pilotbob · 03-23-2010, 06:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by happy_terd

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

I went somewhere, a park or zoo, I don't recall. And they had a dolphin poll. Every hour or so they allowed the visitors to feed the fish. You would go to the shack and pay for a little cardboard fry box of sardines or whatever. Then you could feed the dolphins. And be very careful you don't let the guls get the fish.

I'm just thinking... what a racket... we pay to come in and look at their fish, and then we pay them to feed the things. What a racket... where do I buy stock?

BOb

kennyc · 03-23-2010, 06:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

I went somewhere, a park or zoo, I don't recall. And they had a dolphin poll. Every hour or so they allowed the visitors to feed the fish. You would go to the shack and pay for a little cardboard fry box of sardines or whatever. Then you could feed the dolphins. And be very careful you don't let the guls get the fish.

I'm just thinking... what a racket... we pay to come in and look at their fish, and then we pay them to feed the things. What a racket... where do I buy stock?

BOb

Yep, sounds a bit like the insurance business.

yvanleterrible · 03-23-2010, 08:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

I went somewhere, a park or zoo, I don't recall. And they had a dolphin poll. Every hour or so they allowed the visitors to feed the fish. You would go to the shack and pay for a little cardboard fry box of sardines or whatever. Then you could feed the dolphins. And be very careful you don't let the guls get the fish.

I'm just thinking... what a racket... we pay to come in and look at their fish, and then we pay them to feed the things. What a racket... where do I buy stock?

BOb

Fish stock?

kennyc · 03-23-2010, 08:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

Fish stock?

No, Woodstock.

yvanleterrible · 03-23-2010, 09:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

No Woodstock.

Well, I knew that penguins loved fish! I had to ask...

Javed · 03-24-2010, 03:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lady Blue

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus..

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'

That was a good joke, Lady Blue!

Lycoming · 03-25-2010, 08:22 AM

How to tell the sex of a fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.'

happy_terd · 03-25-2010, 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

How to tell the sex of a fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.'

LOL. Going to tell my wife this one.

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03-23-2010, 04:02 PM	#918
Bilbo1967 Not scared! Posts: 13,424 Karma: 81011643 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Midlands, UK Device: Kindle Paperwhite 10, Huawei M5 10	A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b***ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b***ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'. The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.' Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.' She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.' As the mother began to smile, the child added.......... 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'

03-23-2010, 04:15 PM	#919
badgoodDeb Grand Sorcerer Posts: 8,551 Karma: 64462893 Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Harrisburg outskirts Device: Palms, K1-4s, iPads, iPhones, KV, KO1	I foresee another 2 hour delay for those poor train passengers.....

03-23-2010, 04:30 PM	#921
happy_terd Banned Posts: 13,045 Karma: 10105011 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Finally made it to Walmart. Device: PRS 420	Some funny one-liners I read and liked: (some are too funny) (http://www.onelinerz.net/top-100-funny-one-liners/) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

03-25-2010, 08:22 AM	#929
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	How to tell the sex of a fly A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. 'What are you doing?' She asked. 'Hunting Flies' He responded. 'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked. 'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied. Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?' He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.'