Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 619

drjd · 07-03-2016, 03:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bookpossum

It's not only impossible, but it's for your own good!

Always!

I got a phone call from my friend Andy yesterday.. "Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?"

I said, "I'm all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override."

Andy.. "What is a GPS override?"

I explained, "My wife."

drjd · 07-05-2016, 09:09 AM

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.

Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: Justice prevailed.

The senior partner replied in haste, Appeal immediately.

John K · 07-05-2016, 09:54 AM

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Fredric decided he needed a fine woman to share and enjoy the money with. Walking into a singles' bar, he locked eyes with the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

He walked up next to her and whispered in her ear, "I'm just an ordinary man, but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with him and the next day she became his stepmother.

drjd · 07-06-2016, 06:43 AM

How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?

'Pleased to eat you.'!

PieMan597 · 07-06-2016, 12:23 PM

When Beethoven died, he was buried in a graveyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards too.

Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

orlok · 07-06-2016, 06:32 PM

John K · 07-07-2016, 08:34 PM

A man at a restaurant asks the waiter, "How do you prepare your chickens?"

The waiter replies, "It's easy. We just tell'em they're gonna die."

drjd · 07-08-2016, 06:38 AM

An old indian, Charlie Two Shirts, came rowing onto the dock on a lake. He tied his boat up and unloaded his fishing box that was full of fish.

The Game warden was standing there and said: "Charlie there aren't that many fish in this lake. How did you get those?"

Charlie said: "Oh it is an old Indian method. Come with me and I show you!"

The Game Warden got in the boat and Charlie rowed out to a spot. He opened his tackle box and got out a weighted stick of dynamite, lit the fuse and tossed it overboard.

Moments later there was a muffled explosion from below and several fish came floating up.

The Game Warden said: "Charlie it's illegal to use dynamite for fishing. I can arrest your for that!"

Charlie reached into his tackle box again and pulled out another stick of dynamite. He lit the fuse and handed it to the Game Warden and said: "Are you gonna fish...or talk?"

poohbear_nc · 07-12-2016, 07:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by John K

A man at a restaurant asks the waiter, "How do you prepare your chickens?"

The waiter replies, "It's easy. We just tell'em they're gonna die."

orlok · 07-13-2016, 02:36 PM

My friend asked me if I was ready to go to the nudist colony.

I was born ready.

John K · 07-14-2016, 09:51 AM

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

yvanleterrible · 07-15-2016, 07:55 AM

He's jealous of it. That's why he's so happy to poo all over it in his cage...

drjd · 07-17-2016, 12:53 PM

Little Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.

'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

drjd · 07-19-2016, 10:16 AM

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

yvanleterrible · 07-19-2016, 05:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by drjd

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

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07-05-2016, 09:09 AM	#9272
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: Justice prevailed. The senior partner replied in haste, Appeal immediately.

07-05-2016, 09:54 AM	#9273
John K Reader Posts: 266 Karma: 13465550 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: USA Device: Kindle DXG, Kobo Forma	Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Fredric decided he needed a fine woman to share and enjoy the money with. Walking into a singles' bar, he locked eyes with the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He walked up next to her and whispered in her ear, "I'm just an ordinary man, but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with him and the next day she became his stepmother.

07-06-2016, 06:43 AM	#9274
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? 'Pleased to eat you.'!

07-06-2016, 12:23 PM	#9275
PieMan597 Still a pie Posts: 6,285 Karma: 37018654 Join Date: Jan 2014 Location: PieTown USA Device: Kindle Touch, OnePlus 7 Pro	When Beethoven died, he was buried in a graveyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

07-06-2016, 06:32 PM	#9276
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"

07-07-2016, 08:34 PM	#9277
John K Reader Posts: 266 Karma: 13465550 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: USA Device: Kindle DXG, Kobo Forma	A man at a restaurant asks the waiter, "How do you prepare your chickens?" The waiter replies, "It's easy. We just tell'em they're gonna die."

07-08-2016, 06:38 AM	#9278
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	An old indian, Charlie Two Shirts, came rowing onto the dock on a lake. He tied his boat up and unloaded his fishing box that was full of fish. The Game warden was standing there and said: "Charlie there aren't that many fish in this lake. How did you get those?" Charlie said: "Oh it is an old Indian method. Come with me and I show you!" The Game Warden got in the boat and Charlie rowed out to a spot. He opened his tackle box and got out a weighted stick of dynamite, lit the fuse and tossed it overboard. Moments later there was a muffled explosion from below and several fish came floating up. The Game Warden said: "Charlie it's illegal to use dynamite for fishing. I can arrest your for that!" Charlie reached into his tackle box again and pulled out another stick of dynamite. He lit the fuse and handed it to the Game Warden and said: "Are you gonna fish...or talk?"

07-13-2016, 02:36 PM	#9280
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	My friend asked me if I was ready to go to the nudist colony. I was born ready.

07-14-2016, 09:51 AM	#9281
John K Reader Posts: 266 Karma: 13465550 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: USA Device: Kindle DXG, Kobo Forma	When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

07-15-2016, 07:55 AM	#9282
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	He's jealous of it. That's why he's so happy to poo all over it in his cage...

07-17-2016, 12:53 PM	#9283
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Little Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

07-19-2016, 10:16 AM	#9284
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."