Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 616

PoP · 06-15-2016, 02:22 PM

At 39, a man was still unable to keep a steady relationship. Each time he would present a new girl to his mother, she would be so rude and inconsiderate that the girl never took long to quit him.

He decided to consult a psychologist and ask for advice.

"Why don't you choose a girl which dresses, talks, cooks, or watch movies similar to what your mother like"? Suggested the psychologist.

Desperate, he followed the advice and almost magically, that last new girl he brought home got along with the mother and after a month wanted to marry him.

The man too was in love, but somewhat troubled he cautiously returned to see the psychologist.

"Your suggestion worked, but I don't think I can ever marry her"! Did he say.

"And why not"? Inquired the puzzled psychologist.

"Well, because my father hates her".

Fbone · 06-15-2016, 09:05 PM

You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

drjd · 06-16-2016, 07:15 AM

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

Fbone · 06-17-2016, 12:45 AM

Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

drjd · 06-17-2016, 02:43 PM

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

John K · 06-17-2016, 04:06 PM

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant.

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

Fbone · 06-18-2016, 05:59 PM

Drinking too much coffee can cause latte problems.

John K · 06-19-2016, 10:17 AM

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,

.... walk into a 5 star restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.

"You can't come in here without a Thai."

Fbone · 06-19-2016, 12:38 PM

I flirted with disaster last night. Now disaster won't stop texting me.

PoP · 06-19-2016, 03:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by John K

"You can't come in here without a Thai."

Dixit Stitchawl over 2 years ago. The joke hasn't lost its chic.

yvanleterrible · 06-20-2016, 08:13 AM

About a third of the jokes being posted in the last years are reposts and re-reposts

I know that it's A LOT of material but it's fun to re-read it once in a while... I do!

PoP · 06-20-2016, 08:36 AM

^

I tought it would be far easier to just use the post number instead of repeating the whole thing. So I tried it on my wife. I told her "He honney, #9239!" But she absolutely did not laugh at all. When I asked why? She answered "That I didn't tell it properly".

Andy_T · 06-21-2016, 12:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

I know that it's A LOT of material but it's fun to re-read it once in a while... I do!

In that case, the re-posters save you the work of going though the thread again

Fbone · 06-21-2016, 01:02 AM

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

John K · 06-21-2016, 10:26 AM

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs
and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took
the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer,
and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New
Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up...
so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some folks think.

06-20-2016, 08:36 AM	#9237
PoP curly᷂͓̫̙᷊̥̮̾ͯͤͭͬͦͨ ʎʌɹnɔ Posts: 3,021 Karma: 50506927 Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: ♁ ᴺ₄₅°₃₀' ᵂ₇₃°₃₇' ±₆₀" Device: K3₃.₄.₃ PW3&4₅.₁₃.₃	Proper delivery ^ I tought it would be far easier to just use the post number instead of repeating the whole thing. So I tried it on my wife. I told her "He honney, #9239!" But she absolutely did not laugh at all. When I asked why? She answered "That I didn't tell it properly".

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06-15-2016, 02:22 PM	#9226
PoP curly᷂͓̫̙᷊̥̮̾ͯͤͭͬͦͨ ʎʌɹnɔ Posts: 3,021 Karma: 50506927 Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: ♁ ᴺ₄₅°₃₀' ᵂ₇₃°₃₇' ±₆₀" Device: K3₃.₄.₃ PW3&4₅.₁₃.₃	At 39, a man was still unable to keep a steady relationship. Each time he would present a new girl to his mother, she would be so rude and inconsiderate that the girl never took long to quit him. He decided to consult a psychologist and ask for advice. "Why don't you choose a girl which dresses, talks, cooks, or watch movies similar to what your mother like"? Suggested the psychologist. Desperate, he followed the advice and almost magically, that last new girl he brought home got along with the mother and after a month wanted to marry him. The man too was in love, but somewhat troubled he cautiously returned to see the psychologist. "Your suggestion worked, but I don't think I can ever marry her"! Did he say. "And why not"? Inquired the puzzled psychologist. "Well, because my father hates her".

06-15-2016, 09:05 PM	#9227
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,320 Karma: 103930826 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

06-16-2016, 07:15 AM	#9228
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

06-17-2016, 12:45 AM	#9229
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,320 Karma: 103930826 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

06-17-2016, 02:43 PM	#9230
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

06-17-2016, 04:06 PM	#9231
John K Reader Posts: 266 Karma: 13465550 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: USA Device: Kindle DXG, Kobo Forma	An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

06-18-2016, 05:59 PM	#9232
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,320 Karma: 103930826 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Drinking too much coffee can cause latte problems.

06-19-2016, 10:17 AM	#9233
John K Reader Posts: 266 Karma: 13465550 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: USA Device: Kindle DXG, Kobo Forma	An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, .... walk into a 5 star restaurant. "I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. "You can't come in here without a Thai."

06-19-2016, 12:38 PM	#9234
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,320 Karma: 103930826 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I flirted with disaster last night. Now disaster won't stop texting me.

06-20-2016, 08:13 AM	#9236
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	About a third of the jokes being posted in the last years are reposts and re-reposts I know that it's A LOT of material but it's fun to re-read it once in a while... I do!

06-21-2016, 01:02 AM	#9239
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,320 Karma: 103930826 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

06-21-2016, 10:26 AM	#9240
John K Reader Posts: 266 Karma: 13465550 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: USA Device: Kindle DXG, Kobo Forma	A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate them. There are two lessons here: 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some folks think.