Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[PieMan597]

Also, it can be mathematically proven that women are the root of all evil.

Postulate 1: Money is the root of evil (evil=√money).
Postulate 2: Time is money (time=money).
Postulate 3: Women are time consuming (women=time).

We start with evil=√money. We square both sides of that equation to get us evil^2=money.

women=time, so we can substitute time for money, giving us women=money.

Now, we can substitute money for women, giving us evil^2=women.

Square rooting both sides gives us evil=√women, forcing us to conclude that women are the root of all evil.

[drjd]

The last two mathematical theorems have left me laughing out loud!
Here is a real image from a student's notebook:

[WT Sharpe]

The difference between possums and opossums:

[PoP]

[drjd]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

[drjd]

Listening to your Wife…is like reading terms & conditions of a website.

You understand nothing but still click on "I AGREE"

[PoP]

^ +1
You also can't skip to "I AGREE" without listening until the end.

[drjd]

Originally Posted by PoP

You also can't skip to "I AGREE" without listening until the end.

[yvanleterrible]

It can also work both ways. I often notice her zoning out when I speak but so does most of my surroundings......................... Anyone there?

[PoP]

DOES IT MOVE?

NO:

Spoiler:

SHOULD IT?

NO:

Spoiler:

YES:

Spoiler:

STILL STUCK?

Spoiler:

GOOD ENOUGH:

Spoiler:

YES:

Spoiler:

SHOULD IT?

YES:

Spoiler:

NO:

Spoiler:

STILL MOVING?

Spoiler:

GOOD ENOUGH:

Spoiler:

[yvanleterrible]

In my tool box two tools are essential to keep.

WD40 to make things move smoothly and duct tape to make them stop moving.

[DMcCunney]

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

In my tool box two tools are essential to keep.

WD40 to make things move smoothly and duct tape to make them stop moving.

The canonical form is

It doesn't move and should: WD40
It does move and shouldn't: Duct Tape
Everything else: Use a bigger hammer

(Though in my circles, duct tape is what you use if you don't have Gaffer tape. )
______
Dennis

[drjd]

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

[drjd]

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''

''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.''

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

[John K]

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men
who mention it.