Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 604

Fbone · 02-13-2016, 05:12 PM

What do sea monsters eat for lunch?

Fish and ships.

drjd · 02-14-2016, 06:38 AM

Benefits of having Alzheimer's disease:

5. You never have to watch reruns on television.

4. You are always meeting new people.

3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.

2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.

1. Mysteries are always interesting.

Fbone · 02-14-2016, 06:11 PM

Slept like a log last night... Woke up in the fireplace.

Fbone · 02-15-2016, 06:28 PM

You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

drjd · 02-16-2016, 06:23 AM

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the stewardess announces over the intercom that "we're just waiting for the pilots."

The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke.

The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it's takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke.

In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says "you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"

Fbone · 02-16-2016, 08:02 PM

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

drjd · 02-17-2016, 11:22 AM

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud...They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

Fbone · 02-18-2016, 08:17 PM

I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.

drjd · 02-19-2016, 04:51 AM

The construction foreman ordered one of his men to dig a hole 8 feet deep. But after the job was done, the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered the worker.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

"Honestly!" the foreman snorted. "The kind of help I get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

John K · 02-20-2016, 06:55 AM

HOW MANY DOGS
DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

drjd · 02-20-2016, 12:03 PM

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.

"Not Gutenberg?" Gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!"

"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!"

"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."

Fbone · 02-21-2016, 04:07 AM

Q: How do astronomers organize a party?

A: They planet.

drjd · 02-21-2016, 08:26 AM

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”

The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”

Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”

Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”

There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

victauria · 02-21-2016, 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by drjd

Through the pitch-black night......

drjd · 02-22-2016, 09:21 AM

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silver-black gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested: "Now maybe pucker your lips and wiggle, see what that does." She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

The husband then suggested she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now..... sort of fan your dress at him," he said.

This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

The husband smiled sweetly at his wife as he opened the cage door.

"Now Tell him you have a headache..."

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02-13-2016, 05:12 PM	#9046
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,298 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.

02-14-2016, 06:38 AM	#9047
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Benefits of having Alzheimer's disease: 5. You never have to watch reruns on television. 4. You are always meeting new people. 3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse. 2. You can hide your own Easter eggs. 1. Mysteries are always interesting.

02-14-2016, 06:11 PM	#9048
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,298 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Slept like a log last night... Woke up in the fireplace.

02-15-2016, 06:28 PM	#9049
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,298 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

02-16-2016, 06:23 AM	#9050
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the stewardess announces over the intercom that "we're just waiting for the pilots." The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke. The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it's takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke. In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says "you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"

02-16-2016, 08:02 PM	#9051
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,298 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

02-17-2016, 11:22 AM	#9052
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?" The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work." The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud...They're hookers!" A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?" The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

02-18-2016, 08:17 PM	#9053
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,298 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.

02-19-2016, 04:51 AM	#9054
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	The construction foreman ordered one of his men to dig a hole 8 feet deep. But after the job was done, the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered the worker. The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem. "Honestly!" the foreman snorted. "The kind of help I get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

02-20-2016, 06:55 AM	#9055
John K Reader Posts: 266 Karma: 13465550 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: USA Device: Kindle DXG, Kobo Forma	HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB? Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! Rottweiler: Make me. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please! German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb? Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ... Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

02-20-2016, 12:03 PM	#9056
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it. "Not Gutenberg?" Gasped the collector. "Yes, that was it!" "You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!" "Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."

02-21-2016, 04:07 AM	#9057
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,298 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Q: How do astronomers organize a party? A: They planet.

02-21-2016, 08:26 AM	#9058
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.” The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.” Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!” “I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.” Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!” There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

02-22-2016, 09:21 AM	#9060
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silver-black gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested: "Now maybe pucker your lips and wiggle, see what that does." She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. The husband then suggested she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now..... sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips. The husband smiled sweetly at his wife as he opened the cage door. "Now Tell him you have a headache..."