Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[Fbone]

The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*

[alansplace]

[drjd]

An elderly man feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.

The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, but meanwhile, there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.

"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

"Honey, what's for dinner?" He calls.
No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.

On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?".
No response.

So he walks right up behind her and screams. "HONEY, WHAT'S FOR DINNER??!?!"

His wife turns to him a rage and screams.
"CHICKEN, CHICKEN! For the FIFTH TIME, WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN!!!"

[Fbone]

Whenever I have a headache I take two aspirins and keep away the children like the bottle says.

[alansplace]

[orlok]

In which state does the Mississippi river flow?

Spoiler:

Liquid

[drjd]

Originally Posted by orlok

In which state does the Mississippi river flow?

Spoiler:

Liquid

I fell for it; hook, line and sinker.

[drjd]

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are badly damaged, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says: "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies: "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says: "Here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of whisky from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink it and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks: "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies: "No. I think I'll just wait for the police - I'll let them decide whose fault it is."

[alansplace]

[Fbone]

A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.

[drjd]

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and all I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything and I'm using some of the insurance money for this trip."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.

[orlok]

If during the first five minutes of meeting a new person, he doesn't tell you he is a vegetarian...

He is not a vegetarian.

-------------------

I brought a bunch of flowers for my first date with a vegan.

"That's really sweet," she said.

"Well I didn't know what you vegans ate."

[Fbone]

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

[alansplace]

[orlok]

Originally Posted by Fbone

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

Jeez! Don't give my wife ideas.