Suspense blurb feedback?

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by gmw

As a sort of side note comparison of short vs long book blurbs, the book I'm reading now makes an curious example: The Camel Club by David Baldacci.

On this Amazon page here you will see a one (too large IMO) paragraph. If you use the "look inside" link it shows an old edition which happens to match the paperback I'm reading. Check out the back cover you'll see a 5 paragraph description! I'm halfway through and the third paragraph has just started happening, I haven't seen the fourth paragraph yet. This is seriously weird, those paragraphs are effectively spoilers built into the blurb (admittedly there is not much too surprising about the book, so they're not bad spoilers).

The lesson or moral that I take from this example is that it is not just Indies that sometimes get it wrong when writing blurbs.

Yeah, that new blurb had a lot of telling and a hyphen instead of a dash here (fruit-until). The paperback blurb is a novel. Eight characters. And the Secret Service agent is demoted to protecting the President??? What was he doing before that was more important?

[Cinisajoy]

Quick answer because like Hitch said there is no disbelief.

[gmw]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

Yeah, that new blurb had a lot of telling and a hyphen instead of a dash here (fruit-until). The paperback blurb is a novel. Eight characters. And the Secret Service agent is demoted to protecting the President??? What was he doing before that was more important?

Well, it doesn't actually say demoted, just punished. And I can relate to that part. I mean we're talking about moving from the right end to the wrong end of the gun.

But the example offers a few things of interest.

Firstly, that shorter blurb tells the potential reader pretty much everything they need to know about whether this is the sort of story they want to pick up.

The longer blurb is way too long - or would be for an online blurb, which is presumably why they don't use it.

The shorter blurb, as a big lump of text with unnecessary quoting, is difficult to read. Just looking at it makes me want to move on to something else.

The first sentence, indeed the first paragraph, of the longer blurb is interesting. As noted above, I don't think the paragraph seems all that relevant/useful (now I've read half the book), but it does offer a hook - a reason to keep reading the blurb. (It's a shame they printed it in hard to read blue on black.) ... Actually, I think the first sentence of the second paragraph (cut to start at "A group of...") would offer the same hook in a more succinct form.


This subforum has often spoken about the importance of first sentences in a story, but as much as we might love great first sentences, most readers will give you at least the first page of a novel to get them interested (or at least not put them off). But when it comes to blurbs the reader is almost certainly skimming. You have to grab them as they go past. eg:

Make the first sentence count. Keep the entire first paragraph short, this will encourage people to actually read it.

Preferably keep all blurb paragraphs short. The first is critical, but the others are important too. People tend to skip dense blocks of text.

Try to ensure that the blurb can be read quickly and easily. If necessary break it up to aid reading at skimming speed.

I make it sound so easy, so why is it I can't seem to do it for myself?

[gmw]

Okay, so let me practice my preachiness on yours

The baby is sick and fading fast. Annie wants to help, but she is only seventeen and this is her first job as a nanny. No one will listen to her.

When Houston Monroe, the baby's wealthy father, fires Annie, she is forced to take matters into her own hands. Drawn into a web of lies, deception and evil, Annie uncovers the terrible secrets that threaten the innocent child, and now her own life.

[optional] A story of corruption, intrigue and one young woman's fight to save an innocent baby.

I've re-arranged things to try and introduce the hook early. The third paragraph is a throw-away, the sort of thing I see on the end of trad' pub' blurbs. It doesn't matter if no one reads it. The example I've offered definitely needs work. The repetition of innocent is not ideal. Is there intrigue? Is it political? Are there other superlatives that could be thrown away in the throw-away paragraph?

The point of the example is mainly to try an get the hook in early, you can get a bit more adventurous after you've gotten the potential reader to come past the first paragraph.

[ApK]

Originally Posted by gmw

Okay, so let me practice my preachiness on yours

I like that blurb.

But I must say, and I'm sure this is just me, I see "young Annie" and "wealthy Houston Monroe" and I think Gothic romance, and can't really get any other sense of the style or genre.

I think some of Gregg's voice choices, like use of the word "stoked," were to convey the contemporary style.


Geesh, if a blurb takes this much time and effort, how does anyone write an entire novel!?!?

[Catlady]

Originally Posted by gmw

Okay, so let me practice my preachiness on yours

I've re-arranged things to try and introduce the hook early. The third paragraph is a throw-away, the sort of thing I see on the end of trad' pub' blurbs. It doesn't matter if no one reads it. The example I've offered definitely needs work. The repetition of innocent is not ideal. Is there intrigue? Is it political? Are there other superlatives that could be thrown away in the throw-away paragraph?

The point of the example is mainly to try an get the hook in early, you can get a bit more adventurous after you've gotten the potential reader to come past the first paragraph.

It doesn't quite work for me. It sounds too passive and remote. I see what you want to do in the opening, but I read it and think: What does Annie want to do? Why should anyone listen to her? The blurb is starting in the middle of the action, and I prefer a more leisurely opening where Annie thinks she's gotten a nice, probably easy job as a glorified babysitter, and then things aren't as they seem to be.

Also, I don't like knowing that Annie is fired--if that's something that happens a quarter of the way through, I wouldn't want it in the blurb.

The last paragraph sounds like it could be the tagline of a legal drama.

[ApK]

Originally Posted by Catlady

What does Annie want to do? Why should anyone listen to her?

How do the other versions address these questions any differently?

In all cases all we know is that she a young girl with her first job as a nanny, concerned about the baby's health and no one will listen to her.

What does she want to do? Save the baby (or at least get someone to save the baby)
Why should anyone listen to her? Cuz it's usually expected that when someone, especially a caretaker like a sitter or nanny, reports an endangered child to a responsible adult, they listen.

ApK

[gmw]

ApK and Catlady, I agree that my offering could do with more flavour (but not too much more body).

I'd also suggest that I've gone for the obvious hook in the first paragraph and there may be better choices. If you look at the Baldacci book I linked earlier you will see that the opening hook they use is based on the peculiarity of the characters, which only indirectly alludes to what the story will be. Perhaps the opening hook for Gregg's book could be based on Houston Monroe instead of Nanny Annie, or maybe there's something else about the story that would work.

[Cinisajoy]

Gregg,
I thought of a couple of things.
The first sentence comes across as a FSOG knock off.
(Potential buyer quits reading)
Also, the neglected baby is a big turn off. It makes the billionaire look like nothing but an a**.
(Potential reader says nope not reading because it is horrible. )

Not to mention you gave away the entire book in the blurb.

[Catlady]

Originally Posted by ApK

How do the other versions address these questions any differently?

In all cases all we know is that she a young girl with her first job as a nanny, concerned about the baby's health and no one will listen to her.

What does she want to do? Save the baby (or at least get someone to save the baby)
Why should anyone listen to her? Cuz it's usually expected that when someone, especially a caretaker like a sitter or nanny, reports an endangered child to a responsible adult, they listen.

ApK

Except that this latest version doesn't indicate that no one else is taking the baby's illness seriously. The initial versions gave me a clearer idea that the baby was fussing and crying and everyone was just telling Annie don't worry, he's fine. In this one, we're getting the fact that the baby IS sick, and Annie wants to do ... something, for some unknown reason. If you read this in isolation from all that's gone before, you don't know if the baby's at home, in a hospital, getting medical attention of some sort or not. Here Annie just wants to "help," which is nebulous--it could mean she wants to interfere with a legitimate medical treatment.

Earlier versions set it up more as Annie gradually becoming more and more concerned despite assurances from her employer--so first she has the hurdle of convincing herself, then she'll have the hurdle of convincing others. I would think the first hurdle would be a huge one. This latest blurb, she--and the potential reader--know immediately that the baby is sick so you lose the whole element of doubt.

[arjaybe]

gmw: "The baby is sick and fading fast. Annie wants to help, but she is only seventeen and this is her first job as a nanny. No one will listen to her."

This is exactly how it should be. Hinting, not telling. As you said, gmw, you don't know the book, so the details could change. Quibbling those is pointless. The important thing is, you got the style. Short. Sharp. Easy to read quickly. Gives the essence of the story, but doesn't tell the story.

Now, go do this to your own blurb.-)

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Cinisajoy

Quick answer because like Hitch said there is no disbelief.

Oh, quit agreeing with Hitch!

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by gmw

Make the first sentence count. Keep the entire first paragraph short, this will encourage people to actually read it.

Preferably keep all blurb paragraphs short. The first is critical, but the others are important too. People tend to skip dense blocks of text.

Try to ensure that the blurb can be read quickly and easily. If necessary break it up to aid reading at skimming speed.

Yeah, it's nice to have structure but I have seen great long blurbs and great super short blurbs. In fact, the best blurb I've ever seen is one sentence. Here it is:

Seventeen-year-old Camden Pike, a boy grieving for his girlfriend who was killed in a car accident, discovers a parallel world where she's still alive--but she isn't quite the same girl he remembers.

For Emily Hainsworth's Through to You

35 words and it's got it all. But getting it all that quickly is freakishly hard.

Here's a long one that works.

Once he was a well-liked, well-paid young partner in a thriving Mississippi law firm. Then Patrick Lanigan stole ninety million dollars from his own firm--and ran for his life. For four years he evaded men who were rich and powerful, and who would stop at nothing to find him. Then, inevitably, on the edge of the Brazilian jungle, they finally tracked him down.

Now Patrick is coming home. And in the Mississippi city where it all began, an extraordinary trial is about to begin. As prosecutors circle like sharks, as Patrick's lawyer prepares his defense, former partners wait for their revenge, another story is about to emerge. Because Patrick Lanigan, the most reviled white-collar criminal of his time, knows something that no one else in the world knows. He knows the truth.

For John Grisham's The Partner

I once had a very short blurb for my romantic suspense novel The Find. Here it is:

What can a mother do when she has no money and a dangerously sick kid?

She can make a mistake.

In a moment of desperation, cleaning lady Phoebe Jackson tries to pawn the diamond-bejeweled Rolex she found in a mobster’s locker. Turns out the watch is a fake, but the mobster isn’t--and he’s on to her.

But then a very popular book review blogger told me it was too short.

So I came up with this:

She found a watch. A monster found a plaything.

Looking for love is the last thing on single mother Phoebe Jackson's mind. She's desperate to find a way to make enough money to help her sick child and will do anything to save her. Finding an expensive bejeweled watch is just the lucky break she needs, and her need to save her child overwhelms her ethics and she decides to take it.

Unbeknownst to her, the watch belongs to the mobster Michael "Fingertips" Contini. Within days Contini discovers she took the watch and confronts her, and soon Phoebe's lured into his world of wealth and power, and finds much much more than she was looking for...

Former cop Brent Greer, Phoebe's ex-husband's best friend, knows Contini's history all too well and knows that Phoebe is blind to how much danger she's really in. Her problems may be none of his business, but he can't stand by and watch her fall in deeper. Extricating her from the vicious gangster is harder every day she spends with him—yet if Brent can't convince Phoebe to get out, a deadly end can't be far off.

I still don't know if it was a good idea to switch. The short one just has some magic. As does Catlady's version for Saving Baby.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by gmw

Okay, so let me practice my preachiness on yours



I've re-arranged things to try and introduce the hook early. The third paragraph is a throw-away, the sort of thing I see on the end of trad' pub' blurbs. It doesn't matter if no one reads it. The example I've offered definitely needs work. The repetition of innocent is not ideal. Is there intrigue? Is it political? Are there other superlatives that could be thrown away in the throw-away paragraph?

The point of the example is mainly to try an get the hook in early, you can get a bit more adventurous after you've gotten the potential reader to come past the first paragraph.

Your version is definitely tight. But I found I had to backtrack to figure out what was going on a bit. The baby is sick and fading fast. I was like, What baby? Annie wants to help I was like, Who is Annie?

You eventually tell us but I don't think I should be wondering right off that bat.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Cinisajoy

Gregg,
I thought of a couple of things.
The first sentence comes across as a FSOG knock off.
(Potential buyer quits reading)
Also, the neglected baby is a big turn off. It makes the billionaire look like nothing but an a**.
(Potential reader says nope not reading because it is horrible. )

Not to mention you gave away the entire book in the blurb.

Well the billionaire is an a**. He's the bad guy. And yeah when I dwell on it I can see the FSOG thing but it never crossed my mind till you mentioned it.