Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[John K]

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT:

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'W' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer ? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT !

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START' . . .

[alansplace]

[Fbone]

I eat my tacos over a tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

[drjd]

A company CEO tells his secretary:
"Next week we're going to a convention abroad and spend some quality time together, please make all the required arrangements."

The secretary calls her husband:

"Next week the boss is taking me abroad for a week on business, please take care of yourself during this time."

The husband calls his lover:

"My wife is going abroad for a week, lets spend it together..."

The lover, a private school teacher, tells the children:

"Becuase of a personal problem, I will not be at school next week, so you'll be studying at home."

One of the kids went to his grandfather and said:

"Grandpa, next week I don't have school, you promised me that if I had time off we'd go to the mountains together."

The grandfather, who was also the CEO, calls his secretary and tells her:

"My grandson asked me to spend the week with him, so we're not going abroad."

The secretary calls her husband:

"The boss cancelled, we'll be together, my love."

The husband calls his lover:

"We can't spend the week together, my wife is staying."

The lover tells the kids:

"My problem was solved, school is back on."

The kid goes to the grandfather:

"Sorry grandpa, school is back on, I won't be able to go."

The CEO calls his secretary:

"My grandson won't be able to spend next week with me, rebook the flight abroad."

The secretary calls her husband....

[alansplace]

[WT Sharpe]

Reminds me of what we were told by management in a plant wide safety meeting at the old Procter and Gamble Jif Peanut Butter Plant in Portsmouth, Virginia.

• Report ALL accidents, no matter how small.
• Unsafe workers will not be retained.

You can well imagine how that motivated people to report accidents — NOT.

[alansplace]

[cromag]

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

Reminds me of what we were told by management in a plant wide safety meeting at the old Procter and Gamble Jif Peanut Butter Plant in Portsmouth, Virginia.

Quote:

• Report ALL accidents, no matter how small.
• Unsafe workers will not be retained.


You can well imagine how that motivated people to report accidents — NOT.

Reminds me of a time when I was at my old employer after a major reorganization. There were rumors that morale was low at a small satellite office because they thought they were going to be shut down. Our boss drove out to reassure them. While he was out I noticed that the couch in our building's waiting room was gone and I asked the receptionist about it.

"Oh," she said. "They have a nicer couch at the satellite office -- the boss is going to bring it back when he returns."

[Fbone]

Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.

[orlok]

Sometimes, life throws you a curve ball and you just don't know enough about baseball to finish the metaphor...

[alansplace]

[drjd]

A man bought a Lie detector robot. Every time the robot detects a lie, it slaps the liar. He decided to test it at dinner on his son, who he suspected of often lying to him.

DAD: Son where were you today during school hours?
SON: At school (robot slaps son) ouch! Okay okay I went to the movies!
DAD: Which one?
SON: Harry Potter (robot slaps son again). Ow! Okay, jeez - I was watching an adult movie, okay?
DAD: What?? When I was your age I didn’t even know those existed! (robot slaps Dad)
MOM: Hahaha! He is your son after all!

Robot slaps the mother.

[alansplace]

[Fbone]

One day you're the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you're toast.

[drjd]

A fifteen year old boy and his father visited the city for the very first time. They wandered around, marveling at the different sights. Eventually they got to a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but they were especially amazed at two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Junior, go get your Mother."