Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 597

drjd · 01-15-2016, 01:21 AM

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This damn gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the freaking chair."

Moral of the story: wives are evil. Don't mess with them.

HomeInMyShoes · 01-15-2016, 09:19 AM

Ouch. That is quite disturbing actually.

badgoodDeb · 01-15-2016, 01:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HomeInMyShoes

Ouch. That is quite disturbing actually.

Oh, I've heard the joke before, but where all applicants were male. Still an interesting joke, but it omits the "moral" line. That's not the point of the original joke.

alansplace · 01-15-2016, 01:39 PM

Fbone · 01-17-2016, 02:35 AM

I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

Fbone · 01-17-2016, 11:16 AM

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

drjd · 01-18-2016, 10:20 AM

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

HomeInMyShoes · 01-18-2016, 10:38 AM

^Haha.

Fbone · 01-18-2016, 01:17 PM

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

orlok · 01-19-2016, 11:05 AM

Some unsolicited one-liners...

I haven't owned a watch for I don't know how long.

My wife's cooking is incredible, with a silent 'cr'.

My father was an abusive clown, who always struck me as funny.

alansplace · 01-19-2016, 11:23 AM

Fbone · 01-19-2016, 12:35 PM

When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.

drjd · 01-20-2016, 06:15 AM

A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu “I’d like one under cooked egg so that it’s running, and one over cooked egg that it’s tough and hard to eat. I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.”

That’s a complicated order sir, said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult.”

The guest replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!”

alansplace · 01-20-2016, 09:39 AM

Fbone · 01-20-2016, 09:54 PM

If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

01-15-2016, 01:39 PM	#8944
alansplace Grand Sorcerer Posts: 5,895 Karma: 464403178 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: 33.9388° N, 117.2716° W Device: Kindles K-2, K-KB, PW 1 & 2, Voyage, Fire 2, 5 & HD 8, Surface 3, iPad	Humorous . . .

01-19-2016, 11:23 AM	#8951
alansplace Grand Sorcerer Posts: 5,895 Karma: 464403178 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: 33.9388° N, 117.2716° W Device: Kindles K-2, K-KB, PW 1 & 2, Voyage, Fire 2, 5 & HD 8, Surface 3, iPad	Humorous . . .

01-20-2016, 09:39 AM	#8954
alansplace Grand Sorcerer Posts: 5,895 Karma: 464403178 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: 33.9388° N, 117.2716° W Device: Kindles K-2, K-KB, PW 1 & 2, Voyage, Fire 2, 5 & HD 8, Surface 3, iPad	Humorous . . .

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01-15-2016, 01:21 AM	#8941
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This damn gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the freaking chair." Moral of the story: wives are evil. Don't mess with them.

01-15-2016, 09:19 AM	#8942
HomeInMyShoes Grand Sorcerer Posts: 19,226 Karma: 67780237 Join Date: Jul 2011 Device: none	Ouch. That is quite disturbing actually.

01-17-2016, 02:35 AM	#8945
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,298 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

01-17-2016, 11:16 AM	#8946
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,298 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

01-18-2016, 10:20 AM	#8947
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

01-18-2016, 10:38 AM	#8948
HomeInMyShoes Grand Sorcerer Posts: 19,226 Karma: 67780237 Join Date: Jul 2011 Device: none	^Haha.

01-18-2016, 01:17 PM	#8949
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,298 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

01-19-2016, 11:05 AM	#8950
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	Some unsolicited one-liners... I haven't owned a watch for I don't know how long. My wife's cooking is incredible, with a silent 'cr'. My father was an abusive clown, who always struck me as funny.

01-19-2016, 12:35 PM	#8952
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,298 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.

01-20-2016, 06:15 AM	#8953
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu “I’d like one under cooked egg so that it’s running, and one over cooked egg that it’s tough and hard to eat. I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.” That’s a complicated order sir, said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult.” The guest replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!”

01-20-2016, 09:54 PM	#8955
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,298 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?