Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[drjd]

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"

The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."

"What was the result?"

"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"

[alansplace]

[Andy_T]

Thanks, Alansplace, I have been needing some Gary Larson for a long time :-)

[big images converted to attachments]

[alansplace]

[HomeInMyShoes]

Agreed. This thread needs more Gary Larson.

[John K]

For everyone who has ever received or given an evaluation, just
remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from
Federal Government employee performance evaluations...

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached
rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and
cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only
to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy ."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then
consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of
an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he
starts, the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to
hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an
ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored,
he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover
glued on."

21 . "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done
using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the
train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other
is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be
watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the
ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other
sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he
only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

[alansplace]

[badgoodDeb]

Originally Posted by John K

For everyone who has ever received or given an evaluation, just
remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from
Federal Government employee performance evaluations...

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached
rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and
cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only
to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy ."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then
consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of
an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he
starts, the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to
hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an
ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored,
he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover
glued on."

21 . "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done
using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the
train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other
is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be
watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the
ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other
sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he
only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

This is an old Reader's Digest list, but I've always LOVED these great put downs. Thanks for re-running it!

[drjd]

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.

When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

[alansplace]

[Andy_T]

Originally Posted by badgoodDeb

This is an old Reader's Digest list, but I've always LOVED these great put downs. Thanks for re-running it!

Thank you.

Your comment would lead me to doubt the claim that it is from "Federal Government Personnel Evaluations".

I do not doubt that these are actual quotes from personnel references or HR memos.

However, among the many things I normally do not associate with the "Federal Government", one is humor. At least not when filling out official employee reviews.

[badgoodDeb]

Originally Posted by Andy_T

Thank you.

Your comment would lead me to doubt the claim that it is from "Federal Government Personnel Evaluations".

I do not doubt that these are actual quotes from personnel references or HR memos.

However, among the many things I normally do not associate with the "Federal Government", one is humor. At least not when filling out official employee reviews.

Dunno - but I'm pretty sure it originally said that (from Federal Govt) also!

[orlok]

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn't help but admire it.

"Nice car," I said as he got out.

"Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "If you work hard, put the hours in, do your best, then I'll have an even better one next year."

[John K]

Originally Posted by badgoodDeb

Dunno - but I'm pretty sure it originally said that (from Federal Govt) also!

I took that whole sentence as tongue in cheek humor.

On the other hand, I'm pretty sure those IRS clerks are at least snickering when they send out their little "notices".

[alansplace]