Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[Andy_T]

Hope this one has not been posted here too often ...

A guy is driving around Boston when he sees a sign in front of a house:

Talking Dog For Sale

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told my congressman about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down."

"I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the owner says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit!"

[Andy_T]

[Ripplinger]

[alansplace]

[wodin]

[alansplace]

[yvanleterrible]

Originally Posted by wodin

Attachment 143464

Yeah, you're right! Opportunistic bird brains, all of them!

[pdurrant]

A reminder that partisan political jokes aren't allowed here.

I'm allowing the previous two jokes to stay because they see to be more about the political process in general rather than specific politicians or policies.

[alansplace]

[Bilbo1967]

Originally Posted by pdurrant

A reminder that partisan political jokes aren't allowed here.

I'm allowing the previous two jokes to stay because they see to be more about the political process in general rather than specific politicians or policies.

Really? Despite the fact that a specific politician is named?

[alansplace]

[orlok]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, however, the Judge was interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'

"Now tell me: what would you say?"

[alansplace]

[PoP]

A busy doctor needed some rest, he asked his assistant if he could take care of the clinic while he would go fishing. The somewhat inexperienced assistant accepted willingly. The day after the doctor asked him "how did that go"?

"Well," said the assistant, "I had three cases":

First came a lady with a persistent headache. I gave her two Aspirins and in an instant she felt relieved.

Then came a man with terrible stomach pains. I prescribed some Maalox and he immediately felt better.

But my last case was the most severe. A lady rammed the door, removed all her clothes, lied down naked on the examination table, screaming "Doctor. I haven't seen a man in five years, please HELP ME"!

"Oh" said the doctor worried, "and what did you do"?

"Gave her eye drops".

[alansplace]