Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 59

yvanleterrible · 03-08-2010, 06:19 PM

You sure Marc is not behind this? Sounds just like him...

Katti's Cat · 03-08-2010, 07:53 PM

you forget the one where a US citizen asked for direction to the bridge that connects Australia & New Zealand.

LCF · 03-09-2010, 02:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

You sure Marc is not behind this? Sounds just like him...

Nope, I'm not

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katti's Cat

you forget the one where a US citizen asked for direction to the bridge that connects Australia & New Zealand.

WT Sharpe · 03-09-2010, 09:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katti's Cat

you forget the one where a US citizen asked for direction to the bridge that connects Australia & New Zealand.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LCF

I don't know what y'all are laughing so hard about. Just because we Americans don't know the location of that bridge is no reason to get all haughty. Remember: we don't live in Asia!

yvanleterrible · 03-09-2010, 09:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

I don't know what y'all are laughing so hard about. Just because we Americans don't know the location of that bridge is no reason to get all haughty. Remember: we don't live in Asia!

Seriously... The bridge is at the tip of Argentina and then there's an other that goes to New Zealand and you take the other one from there to Ozzieland... Easy as pie.
BTW Bring a jacket.

kennyc · 03-09-2010, 10:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

I don't know what y'all are laughing so hard about. Just because we Americans don't know the location of that bridge is no reason to get all haughty. Remember: we don't live in Asia!

Nor do we speak Asian...

WT Sharpe · 03-09-2010, 10:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

Nor do we speak Asian...

Languages can be such a barrier! That's why I've never visited any Latin-American countries. My Latin is terrible!

yvanleterrible · 03-09-2010, 10:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

Languages can be such a barrier! That's why I've never visited any Latin-American countries. My Latin is terrible!

LCF · 03-09-2010, 03:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

I don't know what y'all are laughing so hard about. Just because we Americans don't know the location of that bridge is no reason to get all haughty. Remember: we don't live in Asia!

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

Languages can be such a barrier! That's why I've never visited any Latin-American countries. My Latin is terrible!

Lycoming · 03-10-2010, 06:18 AM

Blonde And Her Job Interview

A Blonde/Brunette, delete as appropriate, airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup."Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks - "What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead,"I was just running through that song - 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'

There was a blonde that went to the hair salon with headphones. Before the barber started cutting her hair she told him "Make sure not to knock the headphones off my head". So the barber was sure not to. The next time, the blonde said the same thing "Do not knock the headphones off my head". The barber again, did what he was told. The third time she went, she told the barber again "Don't knock the headphones off my head", this time though, the barber accidentally knocked them off. As soon as the headphones fell off, the blonde dropped to the floor unconcious. The barber picked up the headphones and listened, and this is what it said "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...."
____________________________________

Greg Anos · 03-14-2010, 09:33 PM

HOW TO INSTALL A RURAL TEXAS SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine (for a real bucks-up look, you might try Shooting Times instead)

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and
messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Red

DixieGal · 03-15-2010, 11:46 AM

EXCELLENT ADVICE!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ralph Sir Edward

HOW TO INSTALL A RURAL TEXAS SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine (for a real bucks-up look, you might try Shooting Times instead)

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and
messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Red

yvanleterrible · 03-16-2010, 11:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DixieGal

EXCELLENT ADVICE!

Yup! And a DVD running in the background with dog fighting sounds will make it real...

Lycoming · 03-17-2010, 12:45 PM

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate
funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.... A huge
heart... Covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service
as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled
inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral.... I'm a gynecologist.'
The proctologist fainted.

Boudreaux was out in da field talkin' wit his friend Thibodeaux.
Thibodeaux said, "Boudreaux, you see dat ole barn out dere? Well man,
it's completely infestered wit rats. I tried everything I know an can't
get rid of em." Boudreaux say, "Thibodeaux, I know xactly how to get rid
of dem rats. You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors." Thibodeaux
say, "What's a bull constriptor?" Boudreaux explains, "Man, dats one of
dem big ole snakes and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all
at once."Well, da nex day Thibodeaux went down to Klibert's Reptile Farm and bought him da biggest bull constripter dat dey got. He brought dat snake to da barn an let him loose right in da middle and just sat dere
and watched. Well, Thibodeaux was watchin' for a long time, I mean long, an dere wasn't nuttin ' happening. Dat big ole snake jus curled up
hisself in da middle of dat barn and slept all day. He didn't even move
and dem rats jus run all around. So Thibodeaux got real frustrated and he called up Boudreaux on da phone, "Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout dat snake. Dem rats is still runnin' al around and dat snake jus lays dere sleepin' all day long." Boudreaux says, "Man, Thibodeaux, I
know just what to do. Give dat snake some Viagra." Thibodeaux say, "What? Viagra! What's dat gonna do?" Boudreaux say, "I was just listening to da radio and de man say dat Viagra is da best ting to use for a 'reptile dysfunction'!"

badgoodDeb · 03-17-2010, 04:37 PM

OH, my head hurts..... (groan!)

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03-08-2010, 06:19 PM	#871
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	You sure Marc is not behind this? Sounds just like him...

03-08-2010, 07:53 PM	#872
Katti's Cat Wizard Posts: 2,259 Karma: 175640 Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Brisbane Australia Device: Sony PRS-600	you forget the one where a US citizen asked for direction to the bridge that connects Australia & New Zealand.

03-10-2010, 06:18 AM	#880
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Blonde And Her Job Interview A Blonde/Brunette, delete as appropriate, airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!" The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!" This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup."Just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!" The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks - "What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?" "Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead,"I was just running through that song - 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...' There was a blonde that went to the hair salon with headphones. Before the barber started cutting her hair she told him "Make sure not to knock the headphones off my head". So the barber was sure not to. The next time, the blonde said the same thing "Do not knock the headphones off my head". The barber again, did what he was told. The third time she went, she told the barber again "Don't knock the headphones off my head", this time though, the barber accidentally knocked them off. As soon as the headphones fell off, the blonde dropped to the floor unconcious. The barber picked up the headphones and listened, and this is what it said "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...." ____________________________________

03-14-2010, 09:33 PM	#881
Greg Anos Grand Sorcerer Posts: 11,531 Karma: 37057604 Join Date: Jan 2008 Device: Pocketbook	HOW TO INSTALL A RURAL TEXAS SECURITY SYSTEM 1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine (for a real bucks-up look, you might try Shooting Times instead) 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines. 4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Bubba, Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back. Red

03-17-2010, 12:45 PM	#884
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.... A huge heart... Covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.... I'm a gynecologist.' The proctologist fainted. Boudreaux was out in da field talkin' wit his friend Thibodeaux. Thibodeaux said, "Boudreaux, you see dat ole barn out dere? Well man, it's completely infestered wit rats. I tried everything I know an can't get rid of em." Boudreaux say, "Thibodeaux, I know xactly how to get rid of dem rats. You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors." Thibodeaux say, "What's a bull constriptor?" Boudreaux explains, "Man, dats one of dem big ole snakes and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all at once."Well, da nex day Thibodeaux went down to Klibert's Reptile Farm and bought him da biggest bull constripter dat dey got. He brought dat snake to da barn an let him loose right in da middle and just sat dere and watched. Well, Thibodeaux was watchin' for a long time, I mean long, an dere wasn't nuttin ' happening. Dat big ole snake jus curled up hisself in da middle of dat barn and slept all day. He didn't even move and dem rats jus run all around. So Thibodeaux got real frustrated and he called up Boudreaux on da phone, "Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout dat snake. Dem rats is still runnin' al around and dat snake jus lays dere sleepin' all day long." Boudreaux says, "Man, Thibodeaux, I know just what to do. Give dat snake some Viagra." Thibodeaux say, "What? Viagra! What's dat gonna do?" Boudreaux say, "I was just listening to da radio and de man say dat Viagra is da best ting to use for a 'reptile dysfunction'!"

03-17-2010, 04:37 PM	#885
badgoodDeb Grand Sorcerer Posts: 8,551 Karma: 64462893 Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Harrisburg outskirts Device: Palms, K1-4s, iPads, iPhones, KV, KO1	OH, my head hurts..... (groan!)