Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 565

Fbone · 02-17-2015, 06:40 PM

Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: "Hold my purse."

Stitchawl · 02-18-2015, 05:19 AM

They walk among us. They vote. They procreate...
--------------------------------
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said, "May I have large bills, please"
She looked at me and said, "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
--------------------------

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it
was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'

His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton,MS
----------------------------------

We had to have the garage door repaired.

The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.
---------------------------

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
-------------------------------

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City
----------------------

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
--------------------------

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
---------------------

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
-----------------------------

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of
her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.
----------------------------------

How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"

Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
-------------------------------
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us......

orlok · 02-18-2015, 07:22 AM

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Brazen_NL · 02-18-2015, 07:34 AM

yvanleterrible · 02-18-2015, 08:23 AM

Western winds are up today, from the east at minus 15 mph.

Brazen_NL · 02-18-2015, 09:46 AM

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are female

No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists, (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are male

They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

Glorfindel · 02-18-2015, 09:50 AM

Haha! Good one!

wodin · 02-18-2015, 01:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
--------------------------

My health care provider keeps asking me if I've traveled to East Africa recently, and I always answer "no".

Then they ask if I've been in contact with anyone who's traveled to East Africa, guess what my answer is:

Spoiler:

I'm supposed to ask everyone I meet if they've been to Sierra Leone????

crich70 · 02-18-2015, 06:01 PM

Q. How do you devour an ebook?

Spoiler:

PoP · 02-19-2015, 06:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

nothing wrong with it, you just need an accompanying monitor.

yvanleterrible · 02-19-2015, 08:26 AM

Just lock the screen and turn the iPad...

orlok · 02-19-2015, 09:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PoP

nothing wrong with it, you just need an accompanying monitor.

crich70 · 02-19-2015, 12:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Government surplus?

Fbone · 02-19-2015, 08:56 PM

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” - Erma Bombeck

KenMagee · 02-20-2015, 06:27 AM

She texted me: "Your hot."
I replied: "No. YOU'RE hot."
Now she thinks I'm into her, but all I did was point out her typo.

02-18-2015, 09:46 AM	#8466
Brazen_NL Slobbering Dog Posts: 454 Karma: 2522512 Join Date: Feb 2015 Location: NL Device: Kindle PW2/iPad/iPhone	Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow: Five reasons to believe computers are female No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you." Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. However, another group of computer scientists, (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow: Five reasons to believe computers are male They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

02-18-2015, 06:01 PM	#8469
crich70 Grand Sorcerer Posts: 11,310 Karma: 43993832 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Monroe Wisconsin Device: K3, Kindle Paperwhite, Calibre, and Mobipocket for Pc (netbook)	Q. How do you devour an ebook? Spoiler: A. One byte at a time.

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02-17-2015, 06:40 PM	#8461
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,298 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: "Hold my purse."

02-18-2015, 05:19 AM	#8462
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	They walk among us. They vote. They procreate... -------------------------------- I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 I said, "May I have large bills, please" She looked at me and said, "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size." -------------------------- When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.' This was at the Ford dealership in Canton,MS ---------------------------------- We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since. --------------------------- My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's. ------------------------------- My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce. -- From Kansas City ---------------------- I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened in Birmingham , Ala. -------------------------- The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS --------------------- At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments. ----------------------------- I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less. ---------------------------------- How would you pronounce this child's name? "Le-a" Leah?? NO Lee - A?? NOPE Lay - a?? NO Lei?? Guess Again. This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha". When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent." SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash. ------------------------------- STAY ALERT! They walk among us......

02-18-2015, 07:22 AM	#8463
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

02-18-2015, 07:34 AM	#8464
Brazen_NL Slobbering Dog Posts: 454 Karma: 2522512 Join Date: Feb 2015 Location: NL Device: Kindle PW2/iPad/iPhone

02-18-2015, 08:23 AM	#8465
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	Western winds are up today, from the east at minus 15 mph.

02-18-2015, 09:50 AM	#8467
Glorfindel Force-Aware Elf Posts: 4,762 Karma: 11557898 Join Date: Feb 2014 Location: Valinor Device: Kindle 4 w/SO	Haha! Good one!

02-19-2015, 08:26 AM	#8471
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	Just lock the screen and turn the iPad...

02-19-2015, 08:56 PM	#8474
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,298 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” - Erma Bombeck

02-20-2015, 06:27 AM	#8475
KenMagee Connoisseur Posts: 69 Karma: 2231728 Join Date: Oct 2014 Location: Ireland Device: Kindle Fire	She texted me: "Your hot." I replied: "No. YOU'RE hot." Now she thinks I'm into her, but all I did was point out her typo.