Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 524

Fbone · 06-26-2014, 05:47 PM

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”

“Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked.

“Nothing,” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

steven522 · 06-27-2014, 10:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MJK2111

Deja Vu all over again...

"Just had that ... I don't know it's weird. Just had that little feeling, you ever get that funny little feeling Vuja De? No, not Deja Vu. This is Vuja De. This is the strange feeling that somehow, this has never happened before. And then it's gone..."

-George Carlin

MJK2111 · 06-27-2014, 01:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by steven522

"Just had that ... I don't know it's weird. Just had that little feeling, you ever get that funny little feeling Vuja De? No, not Deja Vu. This is Vuja De. This is the strange feeling that somehow, this has never happened before. And then it's gone..."

-George Carlin

Vuja De...is that the dyslexics version of Deja Vu?

PoP · 06-29-2014, 07:37 AM

There was once three vampires in a castle that were going out finding blood to suck.

The first one went out to find someone to suck blood from. When he came back to their castle with a drop of blood on his tooth the others asked, "Where have you been?"

You see that house over there? "That's where I've been".

The second one went out to find a victim to get blood from. When he came back to their castle with the mouth full of blood the others asked, "Where have you been?"

You see the village over there? "That's where I've been".

The third one went out to try get more blood than the other ones. When he came back to their castle with his face full of blood the others asked, "Where have you been?"

"You see the wall over there?"...

PoP · 06-30-2014, 06:51 AM

Fbone · 06-30-2014, 09:40 PM

I have a stepladder. It’s a very nice stepladder. But it’s sad that I never knew my real ladder.

PeterT · 07-01-2014, 10:44 AM

Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

Spoiler:

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

Spoiler:

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Spoiler:

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

Spoiler:

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Spoiler:

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

Spoiler:

yvanleterrible · 07-01-2014, 07:39 PM

number 5 really go me!

.................

I've heard a different ending to number 6

" It's not because someone pulls you out of deep s**t that they do it for your own good."

Fbone · 07-02-2014, 10:24 PM

"My friend forgot his laptop on the floor of my room. My grandma thought it was a scale.  Conclusion: My grandma weighs $950."

PeterT · 07-02-2014, 10:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

"My friend forgot his laptop on the floor of my room. My grandma thought it was a scale.  Conclusion: My grandma weighs $950."

Might be more amusing in imperial measurements...

My grandma weighs £950

piperclassique · 07-03-2014, 03:13 AM

Pop, I'm sorry but I don't see the joke. Just looks like a nice picture of a beach

orlok · 07-03-2014, 03:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by piperclassique

Pop, I'm sorry but I don't see the joke. Just looks like a nice picture of a beach

Look more closely at what all three are wearing.

Freeshadow · 07-03-2014, 03:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by piperclassique

Pop, I'm sorry but I don't see the joke. Just looks like a nice picture of a beach

Focus on the line pattern of the shirts:
Dad: -
Mom: |
Kid: +

yvanleterrible · 07-03-2014, 06:03 AM

Sign of the times to come. The kid's wearing hash tags...

PoP · 07-03-2014, 06:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by piperclassique

Pop, I'm sorry but I don't see the joke. Just looks like a nice picture of a beach

I was tempted to use a title like "Genetic Shirts", but then felt it was better to let the picture talk by itself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

Sign of the times to come. The kid's wearing hash tags...

Yep, #GeneticShirts would have been an even better title.

07-01-2014, 10:44 AM	#7852
PeterT Grand Sorcerer Posts: 13,563 Karma: 79436716 Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Toronto Device: Libra H2O, Libra Colour	Management Course Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' Moral of the story: Spoiler: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: Spoiler: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story: Spoiler: Always let your boss have the first say. Lesson 4 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: Spoiler: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Spoiler: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Moral of the story: Spoiler: When you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

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06-26-2014, 05:47 PM	#7846
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!” “Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked. “Nothing,” he said. “She’s just having contractions.”

06-29-2014, 07:37 AM	#7849
PoP curly᷂͓̫̙᷊̥̮̾ͯͤͭͬͦͨ ʎʌɹnɔ Posts: 3,018 Karma: 50506927 Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: ♁ ᴺ₄₅°₃₀' ᵂ₇₃°₃₇' ±₆₀" Device: K3₃.₄.₃ PW3&4₅.₁₃.₃	There was once three vampires in a castle that were going out finding blood to suck. The first one went out to find someone to suck blood from. When he came back to their castle with a drop of blood on his tooth the others asked, "Where have you been?" You see that house over there? "That's where I've been". The second one went out to find a victim to get blood from. When he came back to their castle with the mouth full of blood the others asked, "Where have you been?" You see the village over there? "That's where I've been". The third one went out to try get more blood than the other ones. When he came back to their castle with his face full of blood the others asked, "Where have you been?" "You see the wall over there?"...

06-30-2014, 06:51 AM	#7850
PoP curly᷂͓̫̙᷊̥̮̾ͯͤͭͬͦͨ ʎʌɹnɔ Posts: 3,018 Karma: 50506927 Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: ♁ ᴺ₄₅°₃₀' ᵂ₇₃°₃₇' ±₆₀" Device: K3₃.₄.₃ PW3&4₅.₁₃.₃

06-30-2014, 09:40 PM	#7851
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I have a stepladder. It’s a very nice stepladder. But it’s sad that I never knew my real ladder.

07-01-2014, 07:39 PM	#7853
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	number 5 really go me! ................. I've heard a different ending to number 6 " It's not because someone pulls you out of deep s**t that they do it for your own good."

07-02-2014, 10:24 PM	#7854
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	"My friend forgot his laptop on the floor of my room. My grandma thought it was a scale.  Conclusion: My grandma weighs $950."

07-03-2014, 03:13 AM	#7856
piperclassique A garbling groftpot Posts: 996 Karma: 9234667 Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: France Device: Oasis, Voyage, Kobo mini, Samsung tablet, phones, whatever.	Pop, I'm sorry but I don't see the joke. Just looks like a nice picture of a beach

07-03-2014, 06:03 AM	#7859
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	Sign of the times to come. The kid's wearing hash tags...