Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 520

WT Sharpe · 06-08-2014, 03:09 PM

Fbone · 06-08-2014, 06:30 PM

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

-Rita Rudner

Stitchawl · 06-09-2014, 07:09 AM

Yesterday I was at the Publix (our large food chain here) buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Publix won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.

Stitchawl

WT Sharpe · 06-09-2014, 08:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

...I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard....

I thought I was going to fall out of my seat I was laughing so hard. I'd have loved to seen that! You telling the story, that is, not you peeing on the hydrant.

steven522 · 06-09-2014, 09:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

I was starting the Purina Diet again.

Yeah, same thing with me, but I got hit chasing cars...

BelleZora · 06-09-2014, 01:41 PM

From Cop Humour - Australia's Facebook page.

PoP · 06-09-2014, 01:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.

Very good, I laughed so much, it was hurting.

And you didn't have ALL the time, +1 for such a quick mind to come up with that in the inspiration of the moment!

pilotbob · 06-09-2014, 02:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PoP

Very good, I laughed so much, it was hurting.

And you didn't have ALL the time, +1 for such a quick mind to come up with that in the inspiration of the moment!

-1 for believing this was actually a true story.

orlok · 06-09-2014, 02:58 PM

The following is an email exchange detailing one of the best homophobic redneck put-downs I have ever read. Keep an eye on the subject line towards the end as well. Not for the fainthearted, however...

Click image for larger version

Name: 853365.jpg
Views: 270
Size: 1.07 MB
ID: 123889

Click on the image, then click on it twice more to read.

WT Sharpe · 06-09-2014, 05:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

The following is an email exchange detailing one of the best homophobic redneck put-downs I have ever read....

That's unfair; a battle of wits against an unarmed opponent.

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

...Keep an eye on the subject line towards the end....

Beautiful: The dummy didn't even notice he was being set up, not once, but twice!

Bookpossum · 06-09-2014, 07:31 PM

I particularly enjoyed the introduction of Oscar Wilde!

Fbone · 06-09-2014, 08:50 PM

Anyone who thinks women talk too much has never sat through a six-hour Super Bowl pregame show.

—Nora Barry

BelleZora · 06-09-2014, 09:43 PM

Quote:

Anyone who thinks women talk too much has never sat through a six-hour Super Bowl pregame show.

—Nora Barry

PeterT · 06-10-2014, 12:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

The following is an email exchange detailing one of the best homophobic redneck put-downs I have ever read.

Don't you mean a Re: dneck put-down?

orlok · 06-10-2014, 07:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PeterT

Don't you mean a Re: dneck put-down?

Quite right. I should re: ally have said it that way

.

06-09-2014, 01:41 PM	#7791
BelleZora Wizard Posts: 1,442 Karma: 25151986 Join Date: May 2012 Location: Seattle, US Device: Kindle Paperwhite, Kobo Libra 2, Pocketbook Verse Pro Color	From Cop Humour - Australia's Facebook page. Attached Thumbnails

06-09-2014, 02:58 PM	#7794
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	The following is an email exchange detailing one of the best homophobic redneck put-downs I have ever read. Keep an eye on the subject line towards the end as well. Not for the fainthearted, however... Click on the image, then click on it twice more to read.

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Add from the Mobile Read Library?	danwdoo	Calibre	8	12-03-2014 06:03 PM
Good Day Eh!! :-)	Gedvondur	Introduce Yourself	12	07-22-2010 12:16 AM
Classic Is there a way to lighten the background?	rlsamson	Barnes & Noble NOOK	3	06-30-2010 04:56 PM
Read-in-Microsoft-Reader 1.1.3 add-in released	Alexander Turcic	Reading and Management	2	02-20-2006 03:47 AM

06-08-2014, 03:09 PM	#7786
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,072 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.

06-08-2014, 06:30 PM	#7787
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother. -Rita Rudner

06-09-2014, 07:09 AM	#7788
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	Yesterday I was at the Publix (our large food chain here) buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Publix won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say. Stitchawl

06-09-2014, 07:31 PM	#7796
Bookpossum Snoozing in the sun Posts: 10,146 Karma: 115423645 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Melbourne, Australia Device: iPad Mini, Kobo Touch	I particularly enjoyed the introduction of Oscar Wilde!

06-09-2014, 08:50 PM	#7797
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,297 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Anyone who thinks women talk too much has never sat through a six-hour Super Bowl pregame show. —Nora Barry