Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 48

kennyc · 01-28-2010, 09:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShortNCuddlyAm

Husband and wife on their wedding night.
Wife says to husband: "I'm afraid I've kept something from you. I used to be a hooker"
The husband is a bit taken aback but says "OK, well - the past is past. And, well" and he looks a bit embarrassed, "I actually find the thought quite, um, arousing. Tell me more"
The wife takes a deep breath and says "OK. I used to be called Nigel and I played for Wigan"

kennyc · 01-28-2010, 09:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShortNCuddlyAm

I forgot that rugby wouldn't really be known across the sea - sorry

Thanks Paul!

Oh I got it, but only because my daughter played rugby.

Katti's Cat · 01-29-2010, 01:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShortNCuddlyAm

I forgot that rugby wouldn't really be known across the sea - sorry

Thanks Paul!

Yeah, don't you feel sorry for them

Katti's Cat · 01-29-2010, 01:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wodin

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

and still have tears running

mores · 01-29-2010, 08:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vivaldirules

Redneck using European in a sentence: "Get out of here, dog. I don't know if you know it or not but European on my best flower bed!"

that really made me laugh out loud!!

UPDATE:

Quote:

Originally Posted by wodin

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

And this literally had me holding my stomach while cracking up like a maniac!
Awesome!

yvanleterrible · 01-29-2010, 09:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wodin

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

...
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Call it weird but I felt exactly where this story was going, didn't suprise me a bit. The description was well crafted and entertaining but I fail to see the funny side...
It is sad that guys like that are allowed to use guns...

yvanleterrible · 01-29-2010, 09:56 AM

Goes to show how fine the line is between comedy and tragedy.

LazyScot · 01-29-2010, 04:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

Goes to show how fine the line is between comedy and tragedy.

You mean like a national boundary. Say between the Good Ole U.S.A and Canada?

<runs and hides, pausing only to check he hasn't said which is which...>

yvanleterrible · 01-29-2010, 05:25 PM

You got the order wrong, Many American comedians are from Canada.

pshrynk · 01-29-2010, 05:26 PM

The funny ones, at least...

LazyScot · 01-29-2010, 05:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pshrynk

The funny ones, at least...

Which reminds me of an old Bob Monkhouse joke (probably ruined by my memory)

"When I was young, people laughed when I told them I would be a comic when I grew up. Well, they're not laughing now!"

badgoodDeb · 01-29-2010, 05:45 PM

LOL!! I think you remembered it right. It works for me!

yvanleterrible · 01-29-2010, 07:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pshrynk

The funny ones, at least...

You absolutely need a good sense of humor to live in Canada; and the northern States too. It's just over -20C right now. With the wind it's -35C.

wodin · 02-04-2010, 07:11 PM

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause

roger the rabbit · 02-06-2010, 04:03 AM

Teaching Maths

1. Teaching maths in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 80% of the price. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80. How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and
Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.

When he is released he returns t o find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving barbeque of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester, on release, is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated waste contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new truck because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot, apart from some government money left to pay a few million pounds in bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses. The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry but, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. When questioned they claim to speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the taxpayers’ expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name
is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay the bankers, as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D 8ج من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟ (see item 2)

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01-29-2010, 09:56 AM	#712
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	Goes to show how fine the line is between comedy and tragedy.

01-29-2010, 05:25 PM	#714
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	You got the order wrong, Many American comedians are from Canada.

01-29-2010, 05:26 PM	#715
pshrynk Beepbeep n beebeep, yeah! Posts: 11,726 Karma: 8255450 Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: La Crosse, Wisconsin, aka America's IceBox Device: iThingie, KmkII, I miss Zelda!	The funny ones, at least...

01-29-2010, 05:45 PM	#717
badgoodDeb Grand Sorcerer Posts: 8,550 Karma: 64462893 Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Harrisburg outskirts Device: Palms, K1-4s, iPads, iPhones, KV, KO1	LOL!! I think you remembered it right. It works for me!

02-04-2010, 07:11 PM	#719
wodin Illiterate Posts: 10,279 Karma: 37848716 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: The Sandwich Isles Device: Samsung Galaxy S10+, Microsoft Surface Pro	An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.' The room erupted in applause

02-06-2010, 04:03 AM	#720
roger the rabbit Addict Posts: 316 Karma: 10215 Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Wherever I lay my hat! Device: Sony PRS-T3, 650 Black, 505, Kobo Glo HD Aura ONE	Teaching Maths 1. Teaching maths in 1970 A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? 2. Teaching Maths In 1980 A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 80% of the price. What is his profit? 3. Teaching Maths In 1990 A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80. How much was his profit? 4. Teaching Maths In 2000 A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: underline the number 20. 5. Teaching Maths In 2005 A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20. 6. Teaching Maths In 2009 A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns t o find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving barbeque of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester, on release, is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated waste contractor. Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life? 7. Teaching Maths In 2010 A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new truck because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot, apart from some government money left to pay a few million pounds in bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses. The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry but, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it. Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. When questioned they claim to speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the taxpayers’ expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master. The Government borrows more money to pay the bankers, as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances. You do the maths. 8. Teaching Maths 2017 أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D 8ج من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟ (see item 2)