Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 45

kennyc · 01-23-2010, 10:56 AM

Too funny NOT to share:

Terrorist Escalation

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats
and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A
Bit Cross." The British have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940
when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
"Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the
Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the
Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have
been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has
increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate
Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all
of their allies 'just in case'.

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA".
Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty
teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime
Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which
is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be al'right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!',
"I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is
cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final
escalation level.

DMcCunney · 01-23-2010, 06:10 PM

A Copy Writer, an Art Director, and an Account Executive are taking a break for coffee. It's the wee hours of the morning, and they're working on a tough campaign for a demanding client.

While they sip coffee, they gripe about their situation. As they do so, there's a flash of light, and a bejwelled, turbaned genie appears in the corner.

"Oh, masters.", the genie says, bowing. "I am the Genie of Advertising. I have heard your complaints. I am here to offer each of you his dearest wish. You have but to name it!"

The Art Director says "I've always wanted to have a studio on the Left Bank in Paris. I could quit this advertising crap and paint! I'd get rich and famous, and turn out work that will be taught in art schools along with Rembrandt and Picasso a hundred years from now!" The genie says "Your wish is granted!", and poof!, he disappears.

The Copy Writer says "I've always wanted a house by the beach on a south seas island. I could live surrounded by warm breezes and beautiful bare breasted native girls, and I could write the great novel I've got in me. I'd turn out masterpieces that would make me rich and famous, and my work would be taught in literature classes a hundred years from now!" The genie says "Your wish is granted!", and poof!, he disappears.

The Account Executive is silent. The genie says "You have a wish coming as well. Surely there is something you want?" "Well, yeah!" says the Account Executive. "I want those two a**holes back here, now!
______
Dennis

Katti's Cat · 01-23-2010, 06:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

Too funny NOT to share:

Terrorist Escalation

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats
and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A
Bit Cross." The British have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940
when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
"Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the
Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the
Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have
been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has
increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate
Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all
of their allies 'just in case'.

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA".
Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty
teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime
Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which
is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be al'right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!',
"I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is
cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final
escalation level.

- Thank you for this brief lesson in international military behavious. As a German living in Australia married to a Kiwi I can see that at least those parts are spot on

Jonas777 · 01-24-2010, 09:32 AM

I tried to make a collection of the jokes posted in this thread and upload in the book section of this site. However I got hit by the copyright law and thus has to make sure "that it is either in the public domain in Canada, or that I am uploading it with the permission of the copyright holder(s)". So I guess everyone who has posted a joke and approves of this project will have to give me that permission and anything else will be removed from the collection.

mores · 01-24-2010, 10:28 AM

This one is not for the faint of heart. Or those easily disturbed. You may call it an adult joke, you may think it's a feminists nightmare. It cracks me up, though. So, you were warned. Anyone not comfortable with jokes that are told when alcohol is abundant should NOT open the spoiler.
Seriously!

Spoiler:

yvanleterrible · 01-24-2010, 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jonas777

I tried to make a collection of the jokes posted in this thread and upload in the book section of this site. However I got hit by the copyright law and thus has to make sure "that it is either in the public domain in Canada, or that I am uploading it with the permission of the copyright holder(s)". So I guess everyone who has posted a joke and approves of this project will have to give me that permission and anything else will be removed from the collection.

Last I know, MR servers were in Canada.

pholy · 01-24-2010, 03:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jonas777

I tried to make a collection of the jokes posted in this thread and upload in the book section of this site. However I got hit by the copyright law and thus has to make sure "that it is either in the public domain in Canada, or that I am uploading it with the permission of the copyright holder(s)". So I guess everyone who has posted a joke and approves of this project will have to give me that permission and anything else will be removed from the collection.

Ahh, but did the posters have permission from the holder? Where do jokes come from? Reminds me of an Asimov story (I think) about two computer programmers who decided to ask the Multivac (Multiverse?) to investigate... they didn't like the answer...

Good luck - it's a fun project.

ShortNCuddlyAm · 01-24-2010, 03:47 PM

For some reason, this had us giggling like idiots at work recently:

Knock knock
Who's there?
The mayor of Knock
So why are you asking me to knock Knock then? You should be promoting it!

kennyc · 01-24-2010, 03:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShortNCuddlyAm

For some reason, this had us giggling like idiots at work recently:

Knock knock
Who's there?
The mayor of Knock
So why are you asking me to knock Knock then? You should be promoting it!

Took me a bit....

Format C: · 01-25-2010, 08:26 AM

It's rather old, but good enough, IMHO:

In a European Heaven-

* The French are the cooks,
* The English are the police,
* The Germans are the mechanics,
* The Italians are the lovers and
* The Swiss organize everything.

In a European Hell-

* The English are the cooks,
* The Germans are the police,
* The French are the mechanics,
* The Swiss are the lovers and
* The Italians organize everything

happy_terd · 01-25-2010, 01:28 PM

A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

pshrynk · 01-25-2010, 01:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Format C:

It's rather old, but good enough, IMHO:

In a European Heaven-

* The French are the cooks,
* The English are the police,
* The Germans are the mechanics,
* The Italians are the lovers and
* The Swiss organize everything.

In a European Hell-

* The English are the cooks,
* The Germans are the police,
* The French are the mechanics,
* The Swiss are the lovers and
* The Italians organize everything

Variant:

Canada is a country that has British and French heritage and is situated right next to the USA. This means they should have British traditions, French cooking, and American technology.

Unfortunately, the got British cooking, American traditions, and French technology.

Last time I told that joke in the llounge, I was inundated with all sorts of French innovations and engineering feats. So, yeah, I know, but it's still funny!

Jonas777 · 01-25-2010, 02:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pholy

Ahh, but did the posters have permission from the holder? Where do jokes come from? Reminds me of an Asimov story (I think) about two computer programmers who decided to ask the Multivac (Multiverse?) to investigate... they didn't like the answer...

Good luck - it's a fun project.

Yepp, you are right. I am dropping it.

yvanleterrible · 01-25-2010, 03:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pshrynk

Variant:

Canada is a country that has British and French heritage and is situated right next to the USA. This means they should have British traditions, French cooking, and American technology.

Unfortunately, the got British cooking, American traditions, and French technology.

Last time I told that joke in the llounge, I was inundated with all sorts of French innovations and engineering feats. So, yeah, I know, but it's still funny!

That applies to Canada all right. Québec is a different matter though...

nohmi2 · 01-25-2010, 04:49 PM

Today is Australia Day.

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you," said the American. He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a local call".

Cheers.

01-24-2010, 10:28 AM	#665
mores Guru Posts: 834 Karma: 102419 Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Vienna, Austria Device: iPhone	This one is not for the faint of heart. Or those easily disturbed. You may call it an adult joke, you may think it's a feminists nightmare. It cracks me up, though. So, you were warned. Anyone not comfortable with jokes that are told when alcohol is abundant should NOT open the spoiler. Seriously! Spoiler: Did you really expect to find adult content at MobileRead? MobileRead is a family-safe and work-safe place. [moderation team] Last edited by netseeker; 01-25-2010 at 01:43 PM.

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01-23-2010, 10:56 AM	#661
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,891 Karma: 119230421 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	Too funny NOT to share: Terrorist Escalation The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The British have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels . The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies 'just in case'. Canada doesn't have any alert levels. And in the southern hemisphere... New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us". Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be al'right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

01-23-2010, 06:10 PM	#662
DMcCunney New York Editor Posts: 6,384 Karma: 16540415 Join Date: Aug 2007 Device: PalmTX, Pocket eDGe, Alcatel Fierce 4, RCA Viking Pro 10, Nexus 7	A Copy Writer, an Art Director, and an Account Executive are taking a break for coffee. It's the wee hours of the morning, and they're working on a tough campaign for a demanding client. While they sip coffee, they gripe about their situation. As they do so, there's a flash of light, and a bejwelled, turbaned genie appears in the corner. "Oh, masters.", the genie says, bowing. "I am the Genie of Advertising. I have heard your complaints. I am here to offer each of you his dearest wish. You have but to name it!" The Art Director says "I've always wanted to have a studio on the Left Bank in Paris. I could quit this advertising crap and paint! I'd get rich and famous, and turn out work that will be taught in art schools along with Rembrandt and Picasso a hundred years from now!" The genie says "Your wish is granted!", and poof!, he disappears. The Copy Writer says "I've always wanted a house by the beach on a south seas island. I could live surrounded by warm breezes and beautiful bare breasted native girls, and I could write the great novel I've got in me. I'd turn out masterpieces that would make me rich and famous, and my work would be taught in literature classes a hundred years from now!" The genie says "Your wish is granted!", and poof!, he disappears. The Account Executive is silent. The genie says "You have a wish coming as well. Surely there is something you want?" "Well, yeah!" says the Account Executive. "I want those two a*holes back here, now!* ______ Dennis

01-24-2010, 09:32 AM	#664
Jonas777 Groupie Posts: 153 Karma: 364 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Sweden Device: Amazon Kindle 2 Intl	I tried to make a collection of the jokes posted in this thread and upload in the book section of this site. However I got hit by the copyright law and thus has to make sure "that it is either in the public domain in Canada, or that I am uploading it with the permission of the copyright holder(s)". So I guess everyone who has posted a joke and approves of this project will have to give me that permission and anything else will be removed from the collection.

01-24-2010, 03:47 PM	#668
ShortNCuddlyAm WWHALD Posts: 7,879 Karma: 337114 Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Mitcham, Surrey, UK Device: iPad. Selling my silver 505 here	For some reason, this had us giggling like idiots at work recently: Knock knock Who's there? The mayor of Knock So why are you asking me to knock Knock then? You should be promoting it!

01-25-2010, 08:26 AM	#670
Format C: Guru Posts: 753 Karma: 1496807 Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: The Third World Device: iLiad + PRS-505 + Kindle 3	It's rather old, but good enough, IMHO: In a European Heaven- * The French are the cooks, * The English are the police, * The Germans are the mechanics, * The Italians are the lovers and * The Swiss organize everything. In a European Hell- * The English are the cooks, * The Germans are the police, * The French are the mechanics, * The Swiss are the lovers and * The Italians organize everything

01-25-2010, 01:28 PM	#671
happy_terd Banned Posts: 13,045 Karma: 10105011 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Finally made it to Walmart. Device: PRS 420	A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

01-25-2010, 04:49 PM	#675
nohmi2 Pensively observing. Posts: 1,758 Karma: 12675456 Join Date: Jun 2008 Device: Varied.	Today is Australia Day. An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you," said the American. He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a local call". Cheers.