Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[mvisconte]

This blonde (good looking one, too! -- who'da thot) was down on her luck, and in need. She decided to stoop to extreme measures to raise some money quickly.

She studied the nicer part of town, and found an elegant mansion, owned by a well-to-do older gentleman.

She rang his door bell and decided to lay it all on the line.

"Hi. You're a man, and I'm a woman. I'm gorgeous and you've got money. You have something I need, and I have something that I am hoping your want. I'm willing to trade my services to affect a standard captialist transaction involving the exchange of money for selective, scarce, in demand, personal services."

He poured them drinks.
"What exactly did you have in mind, young lady?"

"Well, I am not un-comely. I am buxom and toothsome and most pulchritudinous. I am curvatious and statuesque. I am both soft and firm, and in the correct places according to several popular amateur references on female anatomy. I am young and athletic. I am enthusiastic and even eager to please. I can be a fast worker, or, if you prefer more artistic endeavors, I can pace myself in a way that would enhance any of the services that I can perform."


He refilled drinks.
"I see, that's very descriptive -- yet without saying a thing. But, what do you DO young lady?"

The blonde was in a fit of pique and drew herself up to her full height. She took a deep breath, and jutted out her breasts against her tunic to great advantage. She straightened her back, drew her chin up an full inch higher than normal, allowing her to "look down" her nose at him. She decided to get this over with quickly, and find a more hospitable and rewarding position under some younger, richer, less snotty, and hopefully Viagra-independent man.

"Old man, I will do anything you want.... Any ONE Thing You Want Me To Do for ... well, for $800 -- if you can state it in three words."

"Ah. You are a woman of the night! A woman of easy virtue. A hired-hand, -mouth, -genitals, feet, every-other-body-part. You're a meretrīx. A courtesan. A woman of temporary acquaintance. I know all about your type."

"Well, then you know the deal." She looked left and right, conspiratorially, and then back tho him. "I will do anything you want . . . . ANYTHINNNG you WANT for $800 -- provided it can be stated in three words."

"You're older, you've seen lots of things, experienced some things, heard about other things... well, now is your chance to bring something exhotic to fruition, old son!"

The man regarded her for a moment. His eyes dark brown, stone cold, calculation. He did not allow his eyes to follow the rise and fall of her cleavage. He did not mentally lick her lips with his eyes. He did not visually pop one button at a time from her top. He did not glue his eyes onto her buttocks.

He freshened the drinks. He focused back on her face now.
"$800?" "yes"
"one thing?" "Yes"
"jus' three words" "Uhnhuh".
"you're ... experienced?" "ohhh yeah..."

The man poured himself another drink and finished it quickly. He cast about the house, looking out windows, to the distance. He looked at the chairs and sofas and imagined ice cream. He thought about a shower.

The girl smiled languidly and waited.

"Alright!" he said, "I accept!"

She leaned in to him, bent down slightly to ensure an unencumbered view of her cup-constrained cleavage. She brought here nose within an inch of his and smiled. "So," she purred, "What would you like?"

The man looked deep into her blue eyes and smiled shyly and said
"Paint my porch. "



"What?" -- she smiled a slightly confused smile. Was this some code phrase? Some euphamism for some act so heinous that it was cheap at $800?

"Paint my porch. It's been yearsh since it's been painted. I've been planning to have it done, jush never got around to it. There's paint ina garage, should only take a day or two."






It didn't take as long as she had anticipated. She when thought about how it turned out, she got a warm feeling. You know, when a body sets its mind to something... strange color tho'. It went with the house alright, but why would you want that?

He met her at the door. He was a little more sober now, and wondering about his decision. She looked excited and happy. She looked cute, covered in paint. She'd only just started and yet she had that look like she was expecting something. Eight hundred dollars of something... Time to stall a bit. "Yes? Is there something you need?"

"I'm done! I went ahead and did two coats. It was easy! But mister, that's a BMW, not a Porsche."

[mores]

Originally Posted by pholy

Well, English is my cradle tongue, and I read it four or five times before I got it. You see, 'guns blazing' is slang for 'shooting everything in sight' - and that's how I read it. Then I realised there is also the literal meaning..... which could be connected to the choice of cleaning fluid....

Thanks ... I actually meant, could someone please explain to me the joke above my post. This one:

Originally Posted by mvisconte

Then hunting season rolled around, and the farmed didn't see her again until winter.

I put the quote of the signature in the post to show how funny I thought it was. Both the double meaning of "guns blazing" as well as the hilarious way the character makes a note to self

[pilotbob]

Originally Posted by mores

Thanks ... I actually meant, could someone please explain to me the joke above my post. This one:

I put the quote of the signature in the post to show how funny I thought it was. Both the double meaning of "guns blazing" as well as the hilarious way the character makes a note to self

I assume because once hunting season started many gun shots were heard and the wife was busy running to each hunter and "servicing" them.

BOb

[mvisconte]

I didn't say it was a GOOD joke...

OblJoke:
Man left town for a couple of days, asking his friend Bob to watch his house for him, visit his mum, feed the cat, etc.

On his way back, he see's Bob and asked him if everything went OK.

Bob says "No, actually, your cat died and --"

"MY CAT DIED? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!? You don't LEAD with 'your cat died...'! "

"Um... I..., "

"You don't just walk up to someone and TELL them their cat died! You have to build up to something like that!"

"But, you don't unde--"

"You should break it to someone gently. Start out a little conversational... tell them everything was fine, and then build up to it."

"Ok, well, I, uh..."

"No, start with something like, 'Your cat got out onto the roof...' and then you kind of work into it. Something like maybe 'I put some food out for it, but it wouldn't eat.' and then you can ease the person into their cat being dead. See? Now, please, you try it."

"Uh, ok. Well, you already know about the cat, so I'll just go on to... well, your mom got out of the house, onto the roof... Oh, and the roof burned down, too."

[rainsux]

My wife and I were high school sweethearts. Ours was the typical high school
romance. I was on the football team, she was on the ... faculty.

What separates flight attendants from the scum of the earth? The cockpit door.

What is the difference between a condom and a cockpit? There's only one prick in a condom.

How can a flight attendant get a horny pilot out of her hotel room? Throw the USA
Today into the hallway. (Those cheap bastards would never pay for a newspaper!)

How do flight attendants hold their likker? By the ears.

What's the difference between an Airbus and a chainsaw? About 300 trees/minute.

What do you call Marine Corp aviators with IQs of 200? A flight of four.

Pilots, mechanics & air traffic controllers share a strong, common bond. If the pilot
screws up, he dies. If the mechanic screws up, the pilot dies. If the air traffic
controller screws up, the pilot dies.

What's the different between God and a pilot? God doesn't think he's a pilot.

[Lycoming]

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[rainsux]

Know that "look" women get, just moments before demanding sex?

Me neither.

[mvisconte]

Originally Posted by Wetdogeared

Painting the Porch

A student, wanting to earn some extra money ...
...
'And by the way, ' the student added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

I am so sorry that I offered up warmed up leftovers. That's that I get for not reading all the pages. I shall pay my fine with another fine joke... if I can fin(d) one. Either that or I'm fin.




OblJoke:

I remember when I used to play golf. I was new and basically got the grunt work handed to me. the older fellows were all (much) older, and I have to admit, I looked up to them. Two guys were managers at a bank, and the last guy was the bank president. I got included in their group quite by accident, having caddied for them a year before.

All the hard work, I did. One time, Normam, one of the managers was feeling kind of poorly. They tried to talk him in to letting me sub for him, and meeting them at the bar, but he was in it for money. Around the fifth hole, he started having chest pains, and just after teeing up, he keeled over with a heart Attack! The rest of the game was horrible! Shoot a hole, drag Normal... shoot a hole, drag Norman... He still finished 2 under par, and we send most of the money to his widow (less the bar tab).

That was a hard year, but I learned a lot about golf by caddying -- the people who play it, golf mechanics, rules, etiquette. Yes, etiguette. IT's more than just yelling "FORE". Bob, the bank manager, was a very elegant man. He always dressed the best, spoke the best, had the best equipment, etc. When he was around, HE was the guy I wanted to emulate. He just knew how to BEHAVE that made people take notice.

I remember the last game I caddied for them just before my final year in college. Norman was there, in his wheel chair, Bob was there looking pristine in his golfing outfit, freshly pressed pants, crisp shirt, dashing hat, the whole nine-yards. They had just played the first 14 holes and their course was near a road. I saw Bob do one of the most thoughtful and respectful things I had ever seen. He was teeing up, measuring the ball, on his back swing, when out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a motorcade go by. I don't know why they would go past a public course, but still... all those cars, (popular person), driving slowly, with all their lights, police escort front and back... Well, he sees the motorcade, and scans it quick to locate the herse, stands to attention, and reverently removed his cap and placed it over his heart. I was in awe. "That wasa an awefully nice thing to so, Mr. Bob," I gushed. He stood at reverent attention until the procession was fully finished, and then teed up again. As he measured his shot, he said, "Well, I thought it would be nice... I was married to her for 16 years. FORE!"

[Sparrow]

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9.

[Verencat]

GROAN!!!!!!!!

[pshrynk]

And the Slite Award for worst joke of the month goes to Sparrow. (Cue laugh track.)

[LazyScot]

Originally Posted by pshrynk

And the Slite Award for worst joke of the month goes to Sparrow. (Cue laugh track.)

Apologies, but the producer informs us that the Trade Descriptions Act prevents this thread from using a laugh track....

[pshrynk]

Oh, very well. (Cue applause recording.)

[yvanleterrible]

Warning. Tape will autodestruct at the end ...

[pshrynk]

Uh oh...