Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 42

Slite · 12-14-2009, 08:42 AM

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery factory is now fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Lycoming · 12-14-2009, 09:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jaime_Astorga

During the war on terror:

When the British shoot, the Taliban duck.

When the Taliban shoot, the British duck.

When the Americans shoot, EVERYBODY ducks.

Bob, it may not be the most amusing thing ever written, (and the original was written years ago), there is a degree of accuracy about the third line which causes wry amusement amongst those who have been there and done that; honest.

However, we, British, would not be without our friends. Despite the acerbic comments emanating from various political and military headquarters, it's the people on the ground who do get on extremely well. Long may it continue.

pshrynk · 12-15-2009, 03:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

I really don't think this is funny.

BOb

I did, but then again, I was in the Air Force, so I know what they're talking about.

Nate the great · 12-15-2009, 04:42 PM

I just saw this. It was someone's status on Google Chat.

chown -r us ./base

ShortNCuddlyAm · 12-15-2009, 04:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nate the great

I just saw this. It was someone's status on Google Chat.

chown -r us ./base

MickeyC · 12-15-2009, 04:46 PM

Question: What's the difference between a Cadillac Escalade and a golf ball?

Answer: Tiger Woods can drive a gold ball longer than 100 yards

kennyc · 12-15-2009, 07:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShortNCuddlyAm

double

Love it!

montsnmags · 12-15-2009, 07:25 PM

An 80yo bloke marries a 20yo girl, and they decide that they want to have children.

The old guy wants to make sure he can still do so, so he goes to his doctor.

The doctor says, "Well, it should be possible, but to know for sure I'll need a semen sample. Here, take this jar and go down the hall into the room on your left and give it a go".

An hour later, after serving other patients, the doctor remembers the old guy and wonders what's taking him so long. He goes down the hall, knocks on the door of the room, and goes in.

Inside, the old guy is as red as a beet and sweating profusely.

The old guy says, "Doc, I spent half an hour using my right hand, then twenty-five minutes with my left hand, but, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get the lid off this jar".

Cheers,
Marc (from the Ministry for Bad Jokes)

Lycoming · 12-16-2009, 03:40 PM

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

" Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

badgoodDeb · 12-16-2009, 07:38 PM

Good one!

mvisconte · 12-17-2009, 10:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by montsnmags

An 80yo bloke marries a 20yo girl, and they decide that they want to have children....

(sadly, I know a ton of "old guy, young wife" jokes... most not recommended for polite company... this one should be at least passable)

The old guy was actually a farmer. To up their chances of conceiving, the farmer would keep a shotgun on his tractor, and should the urge strike, the farmer'd fire a shot in the air, the wife would hear it, drop her knickers, grab a blanket, and come a'runnin' in the direction of the shot.

This worked well for the summer, and the first half of the fall.

Then hunting season rolled around, and the farmed didn't see her again until winter.

mores · 12-18-2009, 02:24 AM

Could someone please explain?

Quote:

He burst from the room, guns blazing!
"Make a note," he thought, "don't clean your guns with gasoline by closet candle-light..."

benham · 12-18-2009, 10:55 AM

pholy · 12-18-2009, 04:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mores

Could someone please explain?

He burst from the room, guns blazing!
"Make a note," he thought, "don't clean your guns with gasoline by closet candle-light..."

Well, English is my cradle tongue, and I read it four or five times before I got it. You see, 'guns blazing' is slang for 'shooting everything in sight' - and that's how I read it. Then I realised there is also the literal meaning..... which could be connected to the choice of cleaning fluid....

WT Sharpe · 12-20-2009, 11:25 AM

Here’s one I just read in Heidegger and a Hippo Walk Through Those Pearly Gates Using Philosophy (And Jokes!) to Explore Life, Death, the Afterlife, and Everything in Between by Thomas Cathcart:

A man walks out of his office during a thundershower and, lo and behold, there’s an empty taxi right there! He hops in and remarks to the driver how lucky he is to get a taxi in such weather. The cabbie turns to him and says, “You obviously have perfect timing … just like Sheldon.”

“Who?”

“Sheldon Schwartz. Now that was a guy who did everything right. He was the luckiest guy in the world. Probably the closest thing to human perfection this planet has ever seen. For example, Sheldon always managed to get a parking spot in front of the door, no matter where he went.”

“Ahhh, come on! You’re exaggerating. Noboby’s that lucky.” says the passenger.

“Sheldon was,” says the cabbie. “Not only was he lucky, but he was an amazing athlete. He could easily have been a golf or tennis pro. He had a voice that would shame Placido Domingo into giving up opera! He was handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. Boy, you should have seen him in a tuxedo! He was a prime physical specimen—big and strong. He was also a terrific businessman. Everything he touched turned to gold. And boy! what a wonderful card player!”

“Oh, come on!” said the passenger. “You’re making this up!”

“No, I’m not. Sheldon had other gifts, too. Like, he always knew how to please a woman. He was brilliant also. There was nothing he didn’t know, nothing he couldn’t fix. Not like me, I change a fuse and I short out the entire neighborhood. And boy, did he know how to tell a story! He was the life of every party!”

“Wow, he sounds incredible. How did you know this Sheldon?” the passenger asks.

“Well, I never actually met him,” admits the cabbie.

“Then how do you know so much about him?” the passenger asks.

“After he died, I married his wife.”

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12-14-2009, 08:42 AM	#616
Slite Icanhasdonuts? Posts: 2,837 Karma: 532407 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Mölnbo, Sweden Device: Kobo Aura 2nd edition, Kobo Clara HD	A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery factory is now fully recovered. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

12-15-2009, 04:42 PM	#619
Nate the great Sir Penguin of Edinburgh Posts: 12,375 Karma: 23555235 Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: DC Metro area Device: Shake a stick plus 1	I just saw this. It was someone's status on Google Chat. chown -r us ./base

12-15-2009, 04:46 PM	#621
MickeyC Grand Sorcerer Posts: 16,731 Karma: 12185114 Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Florida Device: iPhone 6 plus, Sony T1, iPad 3	Question: What's the difference between a Cadillac Escalade and a golf ball? Answer: Tiger Woods can drive a gold ball longer than 100 yards

12-15-2009, 07:25 PM	#623
montsnmags Grand Sorcerer Posts: 10,155 Karma: 4632658 Join Date: Nov 2007 Device: none	An 80yo bloke marries a 20yo girl, and they decide that they want to have children. The old guy wants to make sure he can still do so, so he goes to his doctor. The doctor says, "Well, it should be possible, but to know for sure I'll need a semen sample. Here, take this jar and go down the hall into the room on your left and give it a go". An hour later, after serving other patients, the doctor remembers the old guy and wonders what's taking him so long. He goes down the hall, knocks on the door of the room, and goes in. Inside, the old guy is as red as a beet and sweating profusely. The old guy says, "Doc, I spent half an hour using my right hand, then twenty-five minutes with my left hand, but, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get the lid off this jar". Cheers, Marc (from the Ministry for Bad Jokes)

12-16-2009, 03:40 PM	#624
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: " Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

12-16-2009, 07:38 PM	#625
badgoodDeb Grand Sorcerer Posts: 8,545 Karma: 64462893 Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Harrisburg outskirts Device: Palms, K1-4s, iPads, iPhones, KV, KO1	Good one!

12-18-2009, 10:55 AM	#628
benham Guru Posts: 882 Karma: 5565888 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Townsend, WI Device: Palm TX, PRS-505 (BLUE)

12-20-2009, 11:25 AM	#630
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,072 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.	Here’s one I just read in *Heidegger and a Hippo Walk Through Those Pearly Gates Using Philosophy (And Jokes!) to Explore Life, Death, the Afterlife, and Everything in Between* by Thomas Cathcart: A man walks out of his office during a thundershower and, lo and behold, there’s an empty taxi right there! He hops in and remarks to the driver how lucky he is to get a taxi in such weather. The cabbie turns to him and says, “You obviously have perfect timing … just like Sheldon.” “Who?” “Sheldon Schwartz. Now that was a guy who did everything right. He was the luckiest guy in the world. Probably the closest thing to human perfection this planet has ever seen. For example, Sheldon always managed to get a parking spot in front of the door, no matter where he went.” “Ahhh, come on! You’re exaggerating. Noboby’s that lucky.” says the passenger. “Sheldon was,” says the cabbie. “Not only was he lucky, but he was an amazing athlete. He could easily have been a golf or tennis pro. He had a voice that would shame Placido Domingo into giving up opera! He was handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. Boy, you should have seen him in a tuxedo! He was a prime physical specimen—big and strong. He was also a terrific businessman. Everything he touched turned to gold. And boy! what a wonderful card player!” “Oh, come on!” said the passenger. “You’re making this up!” “No, I’m not. Sheldon had other gifts, too. Like, he always knew how to please a woman. He was brilliant also. There was nothing he didn’t know, nothing he couldn’t fix. Not like me, I change a fuse and I short out the entire neighborhood. And boy, did he know how to tell a story! He was the life of every party!” “Wow, he sounds incredible. How did you know this Sheldon?” the passenger asks. “Well, I never actually met him,” admits the cabbie. “Then how do you know so much about him?” the passenger asks. “After he died, I married his wife.”